Found it! [ girlxgirl ]

||FORTY-ONE||

We've been sitting on the couch, in silence, for the past few minutes.

When I stopped crying, I moved away from Avery and she got up to refill both our mugs with warmed tea.

I'm sitting with legs crossed and resting my back on the left armrest, with both hands grabbing the mug and staring at the tea but not really seeing it.

I feel Avery gazing me. She's sitting facing me, with her arm stretched over the back of the couch. Her hand is close to me and she sometimes moves it slightly as if wanting to touch me, but afraid to do so.

My phone starts buzzing and I get up to find it. I hear Avery groaning in frustration.

-"Hi Sarah." I answer the call. "I'm good. Yes, we did. I'll call you later, okay? I'm fine. Thanks for calling. Bye."

I return to the couch, and glance briefly at Avery finding her in the same position, biting her lips.

-"Do you want me to leave, Emma?" She says barely above a whisper with a trembling voice.

I meet her eyes and the painful look she has makes my chest heavier than it was. I can see that she's trying hard to speak without falling apart but her glossy eyes betray her.

I shake my head, not able to muster a word, but that is enough to make her release the breath she was holding.

-"What do you want me to do?" She asks and I shrug. "What can I say to make you feel better?"

I shrug again, almost unnoticeably. I'm out of energy to speak, to argue, to answer simple 'yes or no' questions.

I know she's tired too. It's late. She looks like she's been having as much sleep as I have, if not less.

-"Are you hungry? There's probably something in the fridge." I tell her and she shakes her head. "Tired?"

-"I'm fine. I don't want to leave, Ems." She looks at me with pleading eyes.

-"Okay." I nod. "Well, I'm going to lay down. I'm exhausted, my head is throbbing, I need to close my eyes."

She nods.

I go to the bathroom first, to clean up my face and brush my teeth. Then, I move to my bedroom and after dressing my pajama, I lay under the sheets. Soon after, I feel the tears forming in my eyes again, and it almost makes me groan in frustration.

After a while, I hear movements so I look over to see if she's leaving. I'm relieved to find her going to the kitchen with both our mugs and then going to the bathroom.

I hear the water running for a while and then stop. Then I see her going back to the couch and laying there.

I'm glad she didn't leave but my heart still hurts knowing that my girlfriend is a few meters away from me, sleeping on the couch. Yet, I can't find the strength or the will to call her.

I'm hurt. She's hurt. I need space and at the same time I don't. I want her here with me, hugging my pain away, but I also don't want to feel her touch when the thoughts of her with Sophia still run through my mind.

What if she's not certain of how she'll feel when she meets her, and that's why she didn't tell me about it? What if she's not certain that she loves me, and only me?

I fall in and out of a light sleep with these thoughts in my head. All through the night, I often propped myself on my elbows to glance over to the couch, making sure Avery was still there.

I couldn't see if she was sleeping, but I hoped she was.

When the sun was rising, I found it harder to get back to sleep but I didn't get up. It took me more than an hour to leave the bed.