Found it! [ girlxgirl ]

|| NINETEEN ||

Three days till my return to the USA.

I've already started to say goodbye to everyone and to pack my stuff. My mom keeps entering my room whenever she remembers something I might forget. Sometimes, during the day, she brings clothes and some other stuff and puts them over my bed so I don't forget to pack them. By the time I want to lay down to sleep I have to take everything out and put it aside. It drives her mad but I don't care, because she's driving me mad with the amount of times I hear her say "Emma Sofia, you're going to forget that and then you'll call me complaining and I won't care!"

Tomorrow I'm having a huge goodbye dinner at my house, with friends and family. Pretty much everyone knows about my sexuality at this point. I saw some disgusted faces and heard some unpleasant comments, but in the end, the people that mattered the most were happy for me.

I didn't tell my other grandma, though, and I asked others not to do it either. Her health is worse and my father respectfully asked me not to. I understand that she might not take it well and I don't want to be the reason why she gets even worse. I just told her that I'm happy living in the USA and that a found great friends there that keep me company and keep me safe. That's what worries her, my happiness and my safety.

Yesterday I ended up talking with Mateo till 2 a.m. in my backyard. He wanted to know if he should move on or wait for me. I told him, more like asked him, to move on because it's the best for the both of us. Although he said it will not be easy, and most likely he'll still be here ready to deliver his heart and soul to me, he agreed to try and to think of me as his great friend that will always be in his life (as long as he wants to).

As for Avery, I still didn't get any response. Just like the first text, she has seen it and chose to ignore it. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt as much today as it did yesterday, but I can't. It does hurt. Much more, I would say, because I know that in three days I'll arrive there and I won't see her, or talk to her.

I have this feelings that time is moving too fast for my brain to think twice about everything that could happen. I've been busy with my departure and I haven't had the time to think of ways to react if I accidently see her, because that is likely to happen. We don't have classes near each other (I'm not even going to spend much time outside the library or home) but we go to the same bars, restaurants, and other public spaces.

On one hand, I want to see her as soon as a I land, but on the other hand I want to avoid it altogether. Seeing her and not being able to talk to her, to hug her, will be too painful. But not as painful as not seeing her smile, or worse, seeing her smile to everyone but me.

I have to keep my mind occupied. Luckily, tomorrow I'll have the dinner and my house will start to fill right after lunch.

_______

-"My beautiful daughter is leaving me again!" My mother says while hugging me tight.

-" Le piante vogliono essera annaffiate, ma non affogate (Plants want to be taken care of, not suffocated). Guess what you do best, Maria?" My grandma retorts, taking my mother off of me.

-"Thanks, grandma, but couldn't you say flower instead of plant?" I mock, while I walk away from them before my mom holds me hostage once more.

My house is filled with family members and friends. Some of them brought me gifts that I won't be able to take with me, but I promised that I wouldn't forget about the people who gave them to me.

I'm having a great time with everyone. We're taking thousands of pictures and my best friends are making promises to visit me sometime in the next year. No one will fulfill that promise except for Alessa. I will not rest until she visits me, and she knows how much a promise means to me so she wouldn't make it unless she intended to keep it.

The dinner is over and as I take a look at my cellphone to check the time, I see that I have an unread text from Avery.

I have to stop myself from screaming, which was easy because my heart was in my throat blocking any sound. A cocktail of emotions just flooded my system. I'm happy that she replied to my text, but worried that she might have done it accidently. The anxiety is making me shiver although I feel myself burning inside out. Luckily, I've been drinking some wine and my cheeks have been red for a while, otherwise people would notice the sudden rise in temperature of my body.

I excuse myself, saying I need to go to the bathroom. Alessa narrows her eyes in my direction and I give her a nervous smile while shaking my phone in my hand. She must've understood because she gave me a thumb up and a wide smile as motivation. Of course, she understood, she's my best friend for a reason.

As soon as I reach the bathroom inside my room, I lock the door behind me. I'm standing in from of the mirror and my eyes shift between my reflection and my cellphone.

C'mon Emma, you've been waiting for this for too long. Don't waste any more time!

I sit on the edge of the bathtub, and with trembling fingers I unlock the cellphone and open the WhatsApp message.

I'm sorry too.

That's all it says. She didn't reply to my first message, only to my short apology. Maybe I should've sent her that 'essay'.

I have to put my phone down, and rub my hands through my jeans to dry the sweaty palms.

Three words that felt like three pointy knifes going through my chest.

I'm not entirely sure how to interpret those words.

The hopeful and positive voice in my head refuses to be silenced and wants me to believe that she meant it as something temporary, short-term. She meant that, like me, she's sorry about the way we are today and, like me, she wants to talk about it and work things out.

The hopeless and pessimist voice, always louder in times like this, screams in my head that she meant it as something definite, conclusive. She's sorry that it didn't work out and there's nothing we can do about it...there's nothing she'll do about it.

After a couple minutes staring at nothing, I whisper a 'thank you' to the god of wine for the liquor courage that his beverage is giving me and I type another message to her.

Avery, please, can we talk? If not now, whenever you can/want to...

I wait for an answer, half expecting it not to come...ever.

When I see that's she's typing something, the weaker voice in my head screams a cheerful 'yes'. But after a couple seconds, Avery stops typing and doesn't start again.

'You should've seen it coming', I say to myself, accepting my hopeless side.

I don't even wait any longer. I'm sad and I'm angry. I just want to go back to my friends and family so their warmth can fill my heart with joy, as much as possible.

I'm going to make sure I enjoy the rest of my time here, with them.

I make a promise to myself that I won't let this affect the next three days I have left in Italy, I put a smile on my face and I walk out my house to re-join my party.