Decisions, Decisions (Beau Brooks)

Chapter 26-Breathe Me

I dig my hands into my pockets and pull out my headphone and phone. I hit play on the song 'Breathe me' by Sia, to drown out the noise of Beau shouting at me to open the door. I press repeat so the song will never end. The tears stream down my face. All I want to do is die.

I never thought I would go back to feeling like this again. I have been here before, the feeling of earning for death and the escape it brings from the hurt that life hands to you. Thoughts run through my head. What about Belle? A life without her mother? But she has Beau. And look at Beau, he's rich and famous. I'm sure he would be fine without me, maybe a bit hurt for a little while but he'll get over me, and he'll easily find another mother for Belle.

I get up off the ground and walk over to the cabinet, leaning against the bathroom sink. I look at myself in the mirror. I'm disgusting, I deserve to die and I definitely do not deserve Beau or Belle or any of the good things in my life. I open the cabinet door and pull out some left over prescription pills from when I was very ill last year.

The song gets to a quiet part and I hear the sound of Belle wailing outside and Beau shouting in a shaky voice. "PLEASE CARA! OPEN THE DOOR! IM SCARED! THE PARAMEDICS ARE ON THE WAY!"

From experience, I know that each morning I will wake up and for a few seconds everything will be ok, but then I will remember. I will remember all the pain and the sorrow and all the hurt will come flooding back to me. Every morning without Mark.

I open the box of pills and pour a few into my mouth, and placing my head under the running tap, drinking some water, repeating this until the box is empty. The song starts again.

I stand, looking into the mirror wondering why I was still here. "I WANT TO DIE!" I shout in pain. All of a sudden, a get a sharp pain in my stomach. It gets worse and worse by the second. I fall onto the floor in pain, clutching my stomach, my headphones fall out. "She's in there!" I hear Beau say outside the door. My eyes become heavy and tired. The last thing I see is feet bursting into the bathroom until all I see is darkness, and I am unable to move.