Growing Pains

Entry #1

Yes and No

"Come on Jake! Get your ass out of that room! male-late na kayo ng mga kapatid mo sa school"

It's Monday. Again. How many more Mondays should I experience?

"Jake! ano ba?! Finals namin ngayon!!!" and there goes my nagging brother.

"Eto na! Eto na! Lalabas na jan!!"  

"Ano ka ba naman anak? alam kong dalaga ka na, pero please naman bilisan mo na ang kilos mo......"

"Okay ma. Sorry. Tara na kuya!" sabay hila ko kay kuya.

"Jeanne Adrienne ha. College ka na. Ang bagal mo pa din kumilos. Tingnan mo yang kakambal mo na si Johann Isaac, ang laki ng pinag iba kumpara noong high school palang kayo. Dapat ganyan ka na din. PLEASE GROW UP JAKE!! ." Naramdaman ko na lang ang pag tap ng kakambal ko sa akin. And he mouthed, "okay lang yan". 

Napatingin nalang ako sa twin brother ko, siya ang stress ball ko. Kaso, medyo hectic na schedule niya ngayon. Di na kami masyadong nagkakausap. Nauna namin siyang binaba. And now I'm left with my ever-loving older brother.

"Pasensiya ka na, kung nasigawan ka ni kuya ha? Sorry. Hirap e. Finals na kasi namin. Oh, dito ka na bumaba. Magrereview ako sa library until 6:30 PM. Text me if sasabay ka. Mag-ingat ka ha."

"Opo.Sige na kuya. Thanks! Good luck. Dr. Eusenberg!!" and I faked a smile before he left to park his car.

Don't get me wrong. I love my brothers so much. My whole family, yes, I adore them. But I have this kind of feeling that I don't belong with them. Kasi, they can conquer anything. Kuya is on hise second year taking up Medicine. My twin brother is on his second year as an Archi student. And me, a Physical Therapy student. Okay naman ako academically speaking, but emotionally and physically and other aspects involved, it's shitty.

"Oh look. here's miss introvert. Grabe. Late ka na girl." Nakakainis talaga yung matinis na boses ni Jamie. I choose to ignore them as they buzzed their mouths with nonsense.

So as my Physics professor continues with his discussion, being the "introvert' that I am, I just focused on the view outside and started a daydreaming session. Bago pa makaabot sa gitnang parte ang pag dedaydream ko. May isang medyo may kalaliman na boses ang nag-approach sa akin.

"Is this seat taken?" God knows how I wanted to answer 'yes' pero nakatingin na ang buong klase sa amin at may kasama pang awkward silence. So  I ended up saying "No".

Then I looked outside. Thinking of the past events in my life, it's a blessing that I'm still alive. I've been through a unending tunnel of sadness, pain, hatred and problems. But thanks to an effective shrink, I survived.  

"MISS EUSENBERG!!! Do you mind sharing with us the thoughts that you have in mind about our lesson?!!!!"

What the hell? Slowly rising yung panic attack ko. Okay. I need to calm down. "Uhm, I think that this lesson is too mainstream. Why not focus on manipulating formulas and solving problems instead of just defining scalars and vectors?"Shit Jake! Yan na ba yung pinaka naisip mong matinong isasagot??? Oh good heavens, sana wag ako madetention.

"O-oh. Y-yes. That c-can b-be a g-good plan for our n-next meeting" O-kay? Why was he stuttering?

"Seems like you know something that our professor does not." komento naman nung katabi ko, na ngayon ko lang nakita. Sino kaya to?

"I'm Vaughn Jake by the way" and he offered a hand. Di pa din ako nagsasalita. I was just eyeing him. Is he seriously talking to me? Most of my classmates avoid talking to me. Kesyo weird daw ako. Leche. Di lang tayo parehas ng way ng pag-iisip. Yung iba shallow level. 

And he smiled. But I just ignored him, and faced the blackboard.

"Okay class. Laboratory on Tuesday. Materials please. Dismissed."

"Ano Jake?! Partner pa din ba tayo sa lab?" I looked at Erika. Lab partner ko. "Yes. Just text me about the details."

"Okay. Bye."

"So it's Jake. What are you? Some kind of lesbian?"

"Yes and No" tapos nilagpasan ko na siya.

"Jeanne Adrienne K. Eusenberg!!' stunned. I am fucking stunned. Bakit sumisigaw tong lalaking to ng ganto sa hallway. Damn it! "So that's your name huh?" hinihingal pa siya.

"Yes."

"Ano ba yan? wala ka na atang alam na word kungdi yes and no lang? di ka ba interesado magka friends?"

"No."

"Okay. Here's your filler. Nahulog dun kanina e."

Kinuha ko na lang yung filler then I walked out on him without uttering a word. 

It's just 11:30 in the morning. Tatambay muna ako sa paborito kong lugar dito sa campus.

Bakit kaya ganun? Kung titingnan ko yung ibang tao, ang dali lang lahat sa kanila. They gain friends. They enjoy life. They communicate. Parang wala lang. Ako lang ba ang may ganitong anxiety? Badtrip. Weird daw ako. Di lang nila ako magets. Wala bang willing na umintindi sa akin? Di naman ako ganito dati e. Ah. Ewan.