Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

Step Five

We have made a list of the situations in which we are most likely to abuse.

So that was it? All he had to do was write a list and another stupid step could be crossed off? That was too easy.

Ryan grabbed his notebook and pen from the nightstand. Usually he kept his private writings in a secret place. But he'd stayed up all night writing more songs while Brendon was curled against his side snoring peacefully. He didn't have the energy to put it away. Not after filling page after page with nothing but thoughts of the man who'd refused to leave his bed since dinner.

He scribbled a number one on the page to start off his list. When was he most likely to use? That was simple. All the time. So he ticked off the most obvious times.

1. When I'm sad
2. When I'm angry at my father
3. When I'm angry at anything
4. Some times to reward myself when I do something positive (rare)
5. When I'm bored and have nothing else to do
6. When I'm around my friends who use
7. When I'm at a party
8. Any time I drink
9. When I'm watching something good on tv
10. When I'm hungry
11. When I'm tried
12. When I first wake up
13. When I'm reading
14. When I'm writing personal lyrics
15. When I'm making list.....

As he wrote the words he could feel the urge slipping under his skin.

"Hey." Brendon poked his head into the room.

"'Sup." He sat the pen in the book to save the page before closing it.

"Were you writing?" His head nodded towards the notebook Ryan placed down.

"Yeah."

"Another song?" His hands slipped into his jean pockets.

"Maybe."

"For him?"

"Who?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "It's none of my business, remember?"

"Yeah." He laughed. "And it's still none of your business."

"It's still none of your business." Brendon mimicked.

Ryan stood up just to ruffle the shorter man's hair. Brendon half heartedly slapped his hand away.

"What are you doing in here anyway? Shouldn't you be enjoying your precious outside time?"

"Oh I was. But I want you to come with me."

"You know I'd rather not."

"I know. But I really want you to."

"Why?"

"I don't want you to be by yourself all the time."

"I'm not. You make sure of that."

"But you're alone now."

"People do need some alone time, Brendon."

"Not me." He shook his head. "I hate being alone."

To say Ryan's heart broke at Brendon's admission would be an exaggeration. Instead he would describe it as cracking. Maybe on the verge of breaking for the boy. He wasn't sure. But what he was sure of was that he didn't like it.

He and Brendon were total opposites. While Brendon relished in being surrounded by people, Ryan hated it. Because if you spent too much time with someone you'd irrevocably began caring about them. And caring about people was dangerous. When someone knows you care they use it to their advantage. They use you to their advantage. And inevitably end up hurting you. Even if it's not done on purpose, it'll happen.

Ryan had no idea why Brendon would be so carefree about shit like that. But he couldn't do it. And he wouldn't do it. He promised Brendon he'd stick around so he was going to. That didn't mean he had to spend every waking moment with the man. Especially since it seemed like they were going to be spending moments when they weren't awake together too.

He looked down in Brendon's eyes. Nearly tripping over in his spot at the amount of emotion in the dark irises. It was already too much. He couldn't do this. If this was Brendon's cup of tea then Ryan preferred coffee.

They needed to keep their distance. He needed to find a way to not spend time with Brendon. Without Brendon realizing he was trying to find a way to not spend time with him. And then when his boyfriend did come back, there wouldn't be a connection of any sort. And they'd go back to the way they were before.

"Well you weren't alone outside." What felt like hours of thinking in Ryan's head had really only been a second.

"I know but-"

"But you were surrounded by your friends. And you decided to waste time by coming in here"

"I guess you're right." He focused on his feet. Embarrassed.

Ryan felt guilty immediately. He used his thumb to lift Brendon's chin. Their gazes met and locked.

"But you get to annoy me as soon as you come back in."

"I annoy you?" Brendon smiled.

"Oh so much." Ryan dramatically rolled his eyes and nodded.

Brendon's smile widened as he laughed. "Good because you annoy me too."

"I do, do I?"

"So much." He copied Ryan's eye roll and nod.

It was Ryan's then to chuckle. "Tough shit."

"I'm going to head back out. I'll see you when-"

"Your boyfriend is on the phone." Jesse rudely walked into their room. Not bothering to knock since the door was open. "In the office."

Ryan bit back the need to tell Jesse that Brendon said they weren't together anymore. Dallon's call was perfect timing. He always called at the perfect times. Times when Ryan felt like he was allowing Brendon to attach himself to him. Times when Ryan needed to be reminded that what he was doing was a no go.

"Tell him I was just heading out-"

"You should talk to him." Ryan suggested before Brendon could finish his sentence. "You wasted time talking to me. You can spare a moment for your boyfriend."

Brendon narrowed his eyes but didn't argue. He followed Jesse out of the room.

Ryan slouched back onto his bed. He didn't realize how tense he felt during that situation until his muscles relaxed. It made him feel drained. He could add that to the list of times he was most likely to use. Because that's what he wanted to do right now.

A thought occurred to him then. He lifted up his notebook. Opening it up to the page he'd sat the pen in. He started scribbling over the words he'd already written. When everything was crossed through, he started a new list.

1. When ever Brendon isn't around.