Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

Step 9

Brendon forgot how fast Ryan was. He also forgot how out of shape he was. He was gasping for breath when he finally caught up to his boyfriend in their room.

The frantic man was taking his suitcase from the place under his bed. He flipped it open and proceeded to throw as many things into it, in as short a time as possible.

"Ryan?" He didn't flinch at the sound of his name. So Brendon stalked over to him. Snatching away the t-shirt he was stuffing in the crowded case. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I need to leave." He tried to tug the shirt from his grasp.

"They're not going to just let you leave. You're here under a court order."

"Then I'll go to jail." Ryan gave up the tug-of-war with the shirt and moved to pack other things.

"How can you say that?" He gasped. "You can't just go to jail. We're in this together. We're a team and we're getting better. Together. You can't just leave."

"Brendon, you can get better just as well without me and you know it."

"No I can't. I-I can't do anything without you."

Ryan resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "You just met me a couple of months ago. Do you know how insane that sounds? You can do anything without me. You can do everything without me. And you should."

"But I won't!" Brendon's voice was panicked. "I won't do it without you."

Ryan's eyes were stained pink from holding in his tears. Which only made them look more dangerous when they flashed with some dark emotion Brendon didn't have time to fathom before Ryan was crowding him.

"Don't say that. Don't you fucking say that, Bren."

A smarter man would have cowered. A smarter man would have seen the danger of the situation and backed away. A smarter man would have understood that contact was the last thing an emotially irrational, former drug addict in remmision wanted. Brendon was never a particularly smart man. He leaned forward, pushing his chest against Ryan's heaving one. Interwtining his fingers behind the taller man's back to lock in the hold.

Ryan tensed in the hug just as Brendon expected him to. He moved to pull away. Stepping back only to have the man holding him step back with him. His arms tightening. Brendon was stronger than he looked.

"Don't leave me."

"Brendon, please." Ryan turned his head to the side. Straining his neck to avoid looking at his boyfriend.

"You just keep leaving me."

"It's because you're too good for me!" He was still weakly trying to pull away. "I can't let you fall for me. I can't let you end up like me. And I can't let you get screwed up like Patrick."

"I'm not some perfect human being, Ryan. I'm just a person!"

He shook his head. "Our next step is to decide if we're good or bad and to accept it. Well, I've decided."

"So have I!" Brendon growled. "I'm a terrible person. A fucking awful person. I'm no better than you or anyone else in this fucking place. We're all the same."

"We're not-"

"We are!" He dropped his hands. "I'm so tired of you treating me like I'm some angel. News flash, Ryan! I'm a drug addict. I snort cocaine like sport. More times than I could dream of counting. I'm a bad person. I destroyed my family. I've stolen. I just hurt the only person who's ever loved me! I'm a monster!"

His hands were balled into first when Brendon finished his self depreciating rant. "I-I can't deal with this right now." Ryan turned back to his suitcase. Stuffing things in it just as quickly as before. But lacking the aggression.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I can't deal with this shit right now, okay!" He snapped. "There's a lot going on. I'm in a fucking rehab. I really need a hit right now. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, Bren! I've got too much shit on my plate already. A relationship will just crack the glass."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

He threw the entire suitcase on the floor. "Does it look like I'm kidding?"

"I gave up everything for you!" He shrieked louder than he could remember doing in his life. Which probably wasn't the best choice but he couldn't help it. He was pissed. Livid. How could Ryan stand there in front of him and give up on him? Give up on them? As if it didn't mean shit to him? Brendon was so fucking sick of playing this on and off game with him. "I could have been getting out of here soon. Going back to a perfect house with a perfect man and celebrating a perfect engagement. But I let that go! For you! Because I wanted you. Because you said you wanted me." He knew his screaming was going to bring one of the counselors soon so he needed to get everything out before that happened. "And now it's too much? Now you don't want this?"

Ryan's face was unreadable. His demeanor became deadly calm. He was looking at Brendon like he was the dirt at the bottom of his shoe. Like he was nothing. He bent down to retrieve his case. Grabbing the few items that fell out on impact.

"If you still think about that life so much, think about him so much," He didn't even look up at him when he spoke. "Maybe you should go back to him."

The words hurt like a bullet to the chest. Brendon stumbled back against the shot. Holding his hand over his chest without realizing he was doing so. Ryan finally looked up. His hard expression faltered but flashed back to anger just as quickly. Brendon regained his balance (both physical and emotional) and glared down at him. Fighting against the instinctive urge to drop to his knees and apologize. To fix things between them.

"Maybe I will."