Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

We we shall do all we can to make amends.

He finally did it. He went down to the main office and canceled Dallon's auto-payments on his treatment here. Because despite his anger at their last meeting, he knew Dallon cared too much to consider not paying for his stay here. He couldn't allow it to continue. It was a bitter sweet situation. On the one hand, he was free from any attachment with his ex. He no longer felt dependent on him. On the other hand, he couldn't afford to stay in a place like this on his own. It was only a matter of time until he would have to leave. But at least he'd be leaving for a good reason. For making things right. At least he would have at least completed step 8.

We we shall do all we can to make amends. In any way that will not cause further harm to people.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Ryan asked from his side of the room.

"I'm going to need more than a penny." His muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said I wasn't thinking of anything." He lied.

"Brendon, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Another lie. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, because you've been staring at the door for ten minutes now without saying anything."

"Oh."

"And why are you all the way over there anyway? You're usually stuck to me like glue. But every since you left Jesse's office, you've been avoiding me. Isn't that usually my thing?" He joked.

Brendon couldn't bring himself to laugh at it. "I'm getting kicked out."

"What?" Ryan was at his side in a second. "Why would you think that?"

"Because I can't afford to stay here." He didn't meet his eyes. He was too embarrassed to. "Dallon was paying for my stay here. It was his idea after all. But I-I can't let him do that anymore. It's just not right. You understand how that isn't right, don't you? So I went to Jesse's office and had him cancel Dallon's pending payments. And now-"

"Now you can't afford to stay."

He nodded. "And that's what I deserve after what I did to him."

"You didn't do anything to him." Ryan held his face in his hands. Forcing their eyes to connect. "You did what you felt in your heart. He should have understood. He shouldn't have upset you the way he did."

"Then why do I still feel like shit? Even with my apology and not allowing him to pay for me, I don't think it's enough. What would be enough?"

"Getting better. Isn't that what he wanted to see?" Brendon's nodded in his hands. "He's mad now. And I could understand why. I'd be pissed if I lost you. But I know he still cares. So visit him when you get out of here. Show him you're better. Show him how he helped you. That would be beyond making amends."

"I hate when you're right." He sniffed. Placing his hand over his boyfriends to hold it to his face. "Why are you so smart?"

"It seems unfair right? To be this hot and this smart."

"Shut up." He laughed but it didn't reach his eyes.

Ryan noticed. "Don't worry about it."

"How can I not worry about it?"

"I'll take care of it."

"What does that mean?" Brendon pulled away from his hold.

"That you're not getting kicked out."

"I'm not letting you pay for me, Ryan. That's a ridiculous amount of money."

"You let Dallon pay."

"Because he was my fiancé. He forced me to come."

"Then think of it as me forcing  you to stay."

"No."

"Yes." Ryan kissed him. Soft. Quick.

"I don't feel comfortable-"

"I have something for you." Brendon wasn't an idiot. Ryan was trying to change the subject. But he was intrigued enough to let him. At least for now.

"What do you have?"

He grinned. "Don't move." So he didn't. He stayed on his bed and watched  Ryan rush to the corner where he kept his guitar. "Do you remember a few weeks ago when Dallon got that promotion?" He asked over his shoulder.

"Of course."

"Well, you were really down in the dumps. So I decided to play a song for you. Do you remember that?"

"Of course."

"Well, I finished it." He was standing in front of him now. Guitar in one hand. Trusty notebook in the other. "Do you want to hear it?"

"Of course I do." He slid to give him more room to sit down.

"Okay." Ryan nodded. "Okay." He didn't need to flip through the pages to find his song. It was already folded open. Instead of sitting on the bed, he lowered himself to the floor. Positioning the guitar on his crossed legs. "You've heard the first part. His fingers floated above the strings. Touching them ever so gently. Testing their sounds. "Just tell me what you think." And then he started to actually play a consistent sound. "I had a rosy dream. You gave up on you. And I gave up on me. Well, love came along and said leave them be. We were wrecked on every rock you tasted. Light a cork, my pretty little angel. I'm singing to empty bottles everywhere. Every where." His fingers strummed a little faster. "Stall me, stall me. I'm all in. Stall me, call me up, or break me in. A dark room in the wildflower garden of the party. He's got four on the floor. He's waiting to kick start me." His fingers stilled. Brendon thought he was finished until he turned the page in the book. Smiling sheepishly as he did so. "He counts on stars. Astrology. My moons are mercurial. But I'm no Mercury. Don't hold your breath. Baptized in the river of you. Hold on death, the moon. The stars are a silver of you." When he went back to ghosting over the strings, Brendon was sure he was done.

He sat the instrument down beside him. Meeting the other man's eyes with questions burning behind his. He looked open. Vulnerable.

"That was.... amazing. You're amazing."

"Really?"

"So who is he?"

"Who?"

"Him."

"What?" Ryan lifted himself up. "Who?"

"I remember you writing that the song was for him."

"It's for you. It's your song."

"Me?" His eyebrows furrowed as he thought over what that meant. "I'm him?"

"You always have been. Since the moment I saw you in the cafeteria."

"I'm him." Brendon repeated. Chuckling to himself. "I'm him." His arms circled Ryan. Yanking him to his chest as tightly as he could manage.

Ryan hugged him back. Not as tight. No less meaningful. And just because he knew Brendon would want to hear it. "You'll always be my him."

"Don't let me go." He mumbled into Ryan's shoulder. "Alright?"

"Alright."