Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

To Care Is To Hurt

Nothing can hurt you if you don't care about anything.

And so Ryan decided not to care about anything. Or anyone.

He wasn't going to care about the way his heart stopped when he saw Bren- his roommate sitting on the bathroom floor. He wasn't going to care about the way the blood seemed to leaking from him like air from a balloon. He wasn't going to care about the hysterical way the bloody man laughed when Ryan was holding him. Or the jealousy that sparked to life when he called him by the wrong name. He woudn't care about the way his body vibrated as he screamed for help at the top of his lungs. He wouldn't care about the rock he found in the mist of the blood. How quickly he dumped it into the toilet before anyone came in. Or the helplessness he felt looking at the EMTs take the frail man away from the room. Away from him. He wasn't going to care about the way he declined Jesse's offer to ride with B- his roommate to the hospital. Because he just couldn't continue to see him like that knowing it was his fault. He wasn't going to care about the way he laid in bed and didn't move for the rest of that day or the one that came after it. He wasn't going to care about the way he felt when one of the janitor's finally came in and cleaned his roommate's blood from the floor.

He wasn't going to care about a damn thing. Certainly not the thoughts he had during late nights and early morning about hurting himself just to be in the same hospital as Brendon. Just to check on him to see if he was doing okay. Getting better.

Because he wasn't going to hurt anymore. He was so worried about his roommate becoming the same shell of a man Patrick was after Pete's incident. In the end, he became Patrick. He went out of his way to make sure Brendon never went through that. Brendon didn't even wait an hour to grant Ryan the same curtosy. He didn't give a fuck that Ryan would be the one to find him all butchered up like that. He didn't give a fuck about how Ryan would feel. So Ryan wasn't going to give a fuck about him.

Because nothing could hurt him if he didn't care about anything.

So why did his chest cave in at the first sight of Brendon?

After a week of the man being kept in the hospital for observations he was home. Well, back in the Malibu twelve step program. He walked in their room door with a carry-on bag in hand and his head tilted towards the floor. Ryan ignored the warmth that exploded inside of him because Ryan didn't care. He allowed himself a three second look at the man before he ducked back behind the book he was reading in bed.

Without looking away from the now blurring words, he could feel the younger man looking at him. Standing in the middle of the room. Waiting for something that Ryan could not give him. Would not give him. The week without Brendon had taught him one thing. That he'd felt too much for the man he barely knew. Not only had he felt too much, he'd began feeling those feelings too fast. It wasn't healthy. So how the hell had they actually expected themselves to become so? It didn't make sense.

As long as they were seperate, they would become better. They were so close to becoming better. Nine steps down. Three more to go. He just needed to avoide him for a little longer. Maybe avoiding his roommate while being in the same room with him would hurt his feeling. Maybe it would make them both miserable. It was a good thing Ryan didn't care.

"Hi."

Ryan had not expected his roommate to speak to him. Not so soon. He looked up from his book slowly. Able to take the man in for longer this time. He looked good. Better than he did before he left. He was even smiling. The grin didn't quite reach his eyes but it was still there. Ryan wanted to jump up from the bed and hug him but he didn't know how Brendon would react to that. He'd almost killed himself. It was Ryan's fault. He needed to apologize for the bullshit he said. But first he felt like he needed to touch him. Just to make sure everything was as it should be.

Ryan forgot he wasn't supposed to care.

"Hey."

"We don't have that much longer to go," So they should avoid each other until they were better? "But I think Jesse is planning on switching our rooms."

Ouch. "Oh?" That was exactly what he said he wanted? Why did it hurt? Why did he care?

"Yeah." He was watching Ryan carefully. With that look in his eyes he got when he wanted Ryan to make something better. Make him feel better.

"It's for the best I supposed."

The look died. Ryan died.

"Yeah. I guess so."

Ryan couldn't sit there anymore and be watched with those eyes. He closed the book and placed it in the middle of his bed. "I have to go do soemthing." He explained as he stood up. Crossing his arms over his chest to stop himself from touching Brendon as he passed him. "Welcome back."

"Thank you."