Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

No Good At Goodbye

For the first time since he arrived, Brendon was dreading visitor's day. As he sat in the chair to put on his sneakers, he could just picture Dallon walking in the cafeteria. A huge smile on his face as he sat down to wait for his fiancé. A fiancé who wouldn't be smiling at the end of the visit. A fiancé who wouldn't be a fiancé at the end of the visit.

He couldn't do this. Not that he didn't want to exactly. He just literally wouldn't be able to. As soon as he opened his mouth to speak he would vomit. Or cry. Or both. Probably both.

He hoped his roommate wouldn't witness the embarrassment. Ryan left the room five minutes ago. Brendon wasn't sure if he was going to the cafeteria. He could be on his way to a stress relieving class or to see a counselor. There was no way for him to know. The two never spoke anymore. Which was part of the reason he had to do this today. He couldn't handle sharing a room with Ryan without being with Ryan. He'd gotten used to the brief closeness they shared. He craved it almost.

Which was yet another reason he needed to do this. He shouldn't feel the things he felt for Ryan while he was engaged to marry Dallon. It wasn't fair to either of them. Especially considering that he'd cheated on a man who'd been nothing but good to him. Brendon knew if Ryan suddenly forgave him and the opportunity arose, he'd do it again. It wasn't right. He knew that. And he was going to tell Dallon today. Right now.

He felt numb as he walked the halls. His body making the routine journey without the use of his mind. Because God must hate him, he spotted Ryan first. Sitting at his usual table across from the man Brendon now knew was his father. Ryan's back was facing him but the older man's wasn't. He glared over Ryan's head at him. Oh good, so they probably talked about him.

He was so focused on the Ross men, he didn't notice Dallon approaching him. He nearly jumped from his skin when he felt the taller man's lips press against the corner of his mouth. His shock was covered with an easy smile.

"Hi."

"Hey there." Dallon held his chair out for him. Brendon sat. "How are you?"

"I'm good."

He knew he should give Dallon his full attention. Even more so today. But he couldn't stop his gaze from sliding to the two men. Ryan was standing now. What appeared to be a plastic grocery bag was in his hands. He leaned over the table to touch his father's shoulder. Saying something too low for Brendon to understand. His father nodded. Waiting until Ryan disappears behind the doors to make his own leave. But not before casting another dirty look Brendon's way of course.

He dragged his gaze back to the waiting man in front of him. Either Dallon was completely oblivious or openly chose to ignore Brendon's distraction. The other man remained smiling. A fondness to it that made Brendon feel like an even bigger sack of shit.

"You look good." He said suddenly. "I mean, you always do. But something is different today. You're glowing."

"Glowing?" It was probably sweat.

"Yes glowing." Dallon smirked. "It could just be because I missed you so much. I swear I can't go a day without-"

"Dallon." Brendon couldn't listen to another second of what he knew would be the sweetest thing he ever heard. He didn't deserve it. And Dallon didn't deserve to waste his love on someone who didn't deserve it. "We need to talk."

"Okay." With apparent difficulty, he held his smile in place.

"I don't want us to get married when I get out of here." Make it fast and make the pain quick. Like ripping off a bandaid.

"We don't have to do it right after. I know you'll need time to get used to life again."

"I don't want to marry you at all." Oh shit. He couldn't breathe. The words took the air out of him and refused to give it back.

"What?" Any semblance of a smile was washed away.

"I don't feel the same way you feel. The way I used to feel. I'm don't have the same obsession for you. I don't dream about you every night. I don't think about you like I should. I'm not missing you every second of the day-"

"I don't understand." His lip quivering made Brendon consider dying instead of finishing this conversation.

"I love you so I won't sugar coat it." He looked around them to make sure no one else was listening in. And then, too quiet for his own ears, "I wasn't sleeping alone every night. I slept with my roommate."

Dallon choked. Coughing weakly into his palm.

"We haven't had sex!" Brendon added immediately. Waiting until Dallon's posture relaxed to continue. "But I do find comfort in him. More so than I do with you right now. I'm happy with him. It's not fair to string you along like this." He sat frozen in his chair. Not moving. Not speaking. Just staring blankly. Brendon hated the silence. "I-I'll pay back everything you put into this." More since. "I needed to choose and I chose him."

Then finally, "Okay."

Okay? "Okay?"

"If he makes you..." The word caught in his throat. "Happier. Okay. I just want you to be the happiest you can be. With or," tears sparked his eyes and Brendon had to look away. "Without me."

"I should." Instead of finishing the sentence, he pulled away from the table. Pointing his thump over his shoulder.

"Can I maybe have a goodbye hug?"

"Oh of course!" His body slammed into Dallon's before the man could stand properly. Hesitant arms hovered around his frame before cautiously engulfing him. One last time.

Contradicting emotions fought for dominance inside of him while he exited the cafeteria. He didn't expect for that goodbye to hurt him. Yes, that was a terribly selfish thing to say but it was true. It did though. There was an emptiness in him that stung. Like his heart was swimming with jelly fish.

He was still trying to make sense of it all when he walked into the room. Again, Ryan's back was turned to him. Brendon stalked up to him. Ignoring the nerves and fear of reaction. It was easy to spin the other man to face him. Before he lost all confidence, Brendon smashed their lips together. Kissing him with all the force he could muster through the ache in his chest.

His mouth tasted surprisingly like candy. Jolly Ranchers Brendon realized when the blue bag dropped from the other's hands. Ryan's lips moved in sync with his. Matching his force and urgency. He was just as desperate for this as the shorter man. It was Brendon who pulled away first.

"You promised to be there." His breathes were coming hard. "To stick around. And then you started to disappear."

"You have Dallon back."

"But I don't want him-"

"Then tell him that." He snapped.

"I did."

His eyes widened. "What?"

"I broke up with him."

Those same eyes narrowed. "I just saw you kiss him."

"He kissed me. I-It was our goodbye kiss. I realized I couldn't keep both of you around."

"Do you chose me?"

"Of course."

The corners of his mouth quirked up. The closest thing to a smile from him Brendon had seen in days. "That was so stupid." But the kiss that followed took the burn from the words.

A/N: That took forever and I suck. Hopefully it didn't take too long and people still give a shit about this story. Also, if you think that's the end of the drama, you must be new to my writing.