Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

We Have Made A List

"You know when the best time to use is?" Brendon asked.

"When?"

He was leaning against the sink in the bathroom while Ryan showered. His eyes were trained on the shower curtain. But it was almost impossible to even see Ryan's silhouette through it. Almost because he could sort of see he shadow of the man moving around. He wished he had X-ray vision.

"After sex."

Ryan was silent for a few seconds. Brendon panicked. Maybe he'd gone too far and made him feel uncomfortable. Sex had just been on his mind so much lately. He wasn't used to going this long without it. Usually he could just walk into a room and give Dallon a look. And the man would instantly know what he wanted.

But now he was in a place where that was impossible. No sex. No blowjobs. No handjobs. Not even a kiss. He was like a teenage boy again. Jerking off whenever he was in the room alone. But it wasn't the same. And now his brain was circling around it. He didn't know why he thought talking about it with Ryan would make it better. But now his lack of response was making him regret it.

"I agree." He finally spoke. "I can't believe I didn't think of that before."

"What did you think of?"

"A bunch of stupid shit. You know we're supposed to make a list."

"I know." Brendon tapped his fingers against the sink. "You've already done it?"

"Yeah." He sounded like he was running his face under the water.

"You're a step ahead of me then."

"We'll be getting out of here faster than you thought if we keep this up." He laughed.

"Yeah." Brendon forced his own laugh out.

They were going through the steps pretty quickly. Maybe not as quickly as he'd wanted to when he first got here. But more quickly than he wanted to now. What happened when all the steps were done? What happened when they were better?

That was a stupid question. He knew what would happen. They would leave this place and go back to their normal lives. He'd go home and be with Dallon. Probably get married like they'd planned to. But where would Ryan go? Did he have a boyfriend to go home to? Well, there was that older man who visited him. His for him. Brendon started referring to him as Ryan's sugar daddy. He'd probably go home to him and be happy.

But would Brendon be happy? He wasn't sure anymore and the thought scared him. How long had he been in here? A little over a month maybe? Maybe longer? He couldn't remember. He did know it wasn't long enough for him to feel sad about leaving his roommate behind.

The thought of not seeing Ryan everyday was making him nauseous. He'd become his best friend in such a short amount of time. He knew Ryan didn't feel the same way about him. Because Brendon was always the one initiating their conversations. Always the one laying in Ryan's bed. Always the one approaching Ryan at lunch. Or following him into the bathroom to talk.

Ryan wasn't as glued to Brendon as Brendon was to him. Sure, he knew the taller man enjoyed his company. Ryan as the type to tell you if he didn't. But did he feel the same way Brendon did? Would he miss him when he was gone? Did he think about him every hour of the day? Was his dreams about him?

No.

It was one sided. But Brendon didn't care. He was happy to be around him. Happy to learn that Ryan wasn't the asshole he pretended to be to keep people away.

"After sex is a good one but it's only one. One thing isn't a list."

"I have other things."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"After a big meal. When I'm sad. When I'm bored. When I party. When I'm mad at Dallon. When I do something good and want to reward myself. When I think about my childhood. When I feel alone."

Ryan pushed the curtain back slightly. Brendon was shocked by the sound. He'd been staring off into space while he thought his sad thoughts. But the curtain moving reminded him that he was in a bathroom where Ryan was showering. Naked. His eyes darted towards the sound. He hid his disappointment at only seeing Ryan's head sticking out. His face was wet of course. His hair still full of shampoo. He looked cute. Comical.

"It's uncanny how similar that is to my list."

"Really?"

"Except replace your boyfriend with my dad."

"Your boyfriend doesn't make you feel like you need to use sometimes?" Must be a perfect relationship.

"Maybe if I had one he would."

"You're single?"

"Of course. You never wondered why my dad is the only person to visit me?"

The old man was his dad! That made so much more sense. And made Brendon secretly calling him Ryan's singer daddy impossibly gross.

"I never noticed."

"Yeah." He stuck his head back into the shower. But left the curtain slightly open. Brendon resisted the urge to walk over and peek in. What the hell? "But I like being single. Less work."

"It has to be kind of lonely."

"I like being alone."

He'd said that before. Maybe Brendon should take the hint.

"Maybe I should go make my list."

"Sounds good." Ryan agreed. So he wanted him gone. "You can just rip a sheet from the back of my notebook if you need to."

"Yeah, thanks."

He stuck his hand out of the curtain. Giving his roommate the thumbs up.

Brendon walked out of the bathroom. Shutting the door and giving Ryan all the alone time he wanted. He'd been writing before he decided to shower so the notebook was on the bed. He flipped it to the back and snatched the page out.

He knew what he was about to do was wrong, but he didn't put the book down right away. He wanted to see the song Ryan wrote again. The for him song. It was so good but he never got to finish it. And he knew he'd never get another chance alone with this precious book.

But as he was flipping, his eyes caught something that looked like his own name written on the bottom of a page. Brendon slowed down and began backtracking on the pages. He hoped his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.

They weren't.

It was a list. Ryan's list for when he felt most likely to abuse drugs. Brendon tried to read it but most of the list was scribbled out. All of the list actually. Well, all except one.

When ever Brendon isn't around.

The feeling was mutual.