Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

We Have Made A List Of The People We Have Harmed

Ryan usually enjoyed his time away from Brendon. Not to say he didn't enjoy spending time with his roommate. His... boyfriend? Had they gotten to that level yet? They'd never discussed the official word for what they were. It didn't matter anyway. At least right now. They were happy and that little complication had nothing to do with what he'd been going on about before.

Loneliness.

Finding comfort in the moments his Brendon was out doing anything else. Ryan used those rare moments of silence to read books Brendon wouldn't like. To write things he'd be too embarrassed for Brendon to see. And to think thoughts Brendon usually made him forget. Not on purpose. See, when one was around a force of nature as strong as Brendon Urie, one had no choice other than letting themselves be consumed in only Brendon Urie. Ryan liked it, but the breaks were nice. Well, they usually were.

His free time task today seemed to be sucking the joy out of him that Brendon instilled this morning.

So he was more than happy to see him walking into the room fifteen minutes earlier than he normally did. He didn't need Brendon to know he was happy about it. Ryan forced himself to focus on the task at hand. But found himself digging his pen into the notebook with more force than necessary. No doubt leaving that annoying dent on the pages that followed.

"What are you doing?" Brendon sat on the bed beside him. Leaving no distance between them.

Ryan couldn't help but notice his scent. He smelt like outside, if that made sense. More distinctly, like grass. Not the nostril burning smell of newly cut grass. He really never understood how people could like that smell. Brendon's scent reminded him of when he was a boy. He and his friends would spend hours rolling around in dirt and grass. Playing games where the rules changed depending on who wanted to win the most.

Damn, what a tangent that was! His attention span was usually sharper than that. This damn list was bothering him. The man beside him was still watching him. Waiting for him to answer, Ryan realized.

"I'm making a list." His eyebrow flew questioningly higher on his forehead. So Ryan went on. "A list of people I've harmed because of my drug addiction."

Step seven.

We have made a list of the people we have harmed and to whom we hope to make amends.

He watched Brendon's eyes scan the page. Not considering the information might have been something Ryan didn't want to share with him. "That's a long list."

He resisted the urge to cover the names with his hands childish. Instead, he shrugged off the bothering fact. "It's been a long journey."

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder. One he assumed was supposed to be reassuring. And it kind of was. "A journey that's stopping."

Ryan looked away from his notebook. His head tilted upward to meet his eyes. "Yeah." And that's all he was going to say on that subject. Because he didn't want to make any empty promises. "Why did you come back in early?"

"I got bored." Brendon's gaze switched from concerned to playful without much thought. "And then I remembered I had something wonderful waiting for me in here."

He felt his cheeks darkening despite himself. "Aww." It was muttered condescendingly in a stupid attempt to hide how much he liked being complimented by him. He closed the book. Deciding to finish it when Brendon was out tomorrow. As an unspoken thank you for making him feel just a little better, he pressed their lips together briefly. "That's the grossest most mushy bullshit I've ever heard." Then, just because of how surprised and adorable Brendon looked, he kissed him again.

"That's vain." The laugh against his mouth sent a vibration through his body. "And cute."

"What?" He pulled back. Offended and unsure why exactly.

"You thinking I was talking about you."

"Wha-" This time Ryan was offended. He frowned over Brendon's head as he leaned towards his lap. The face lasted a second before he was laughing at his bo-Brendon. Watching him lift the bag of candy he'd gotten from his father.

"Wonderful." He hugged it close.

"Candy over me? I'm-I'm wounded." That got him the laugh he wanted. "Mortally so." He held his chest. Smiling when the other laughed harder. "And as revenge for my suffering." Ryan snatched the bag too quickly for Brendon to stop him. "No candy for you."

"Hey! Give that back!" His grabby hands were half hearted.

"Ah ah ah. This is your punishment."

"Punishment?" He faked outrage.

"Uh huh." Ryan pushed down on his shoulders. He let his back fall onto the bed easily.

"I am a grown man!"

"Yup." He muttered. Without removing his hands from him, he lifted his left leg to stretch it over Brendon's body. Effectively straddling him.

"This is an outrage." His attempt to appear unbothered faltered when his breathing hitched.

"Sure."

"I w-won't stand for it." But the way his fingers pressed into the skin of Ryan's marginally exposed hipbone said otherwise.

"You're so beautiful." He heard himself saying. The revelation shocked him just as much as it seemed to shock Brendon. He couldn't take it back now, not that he wanted to. It was the truth.

"Shut up." And damn that blush was pretty.

The vein became more visible in the side of his neck when he attempted to hide his face in the blanket.

"Like an angel." Ryan continued. And it was true. He'd never encountered someone quite so heavenly. Sure, he'd encountered him in rehab, but everyone had their flaws.

"Shut up." He said again. Lower this time.

"An angel." Ryan's voice dripped with sincerity. The change got Brendon's attention. He stopped pushing his head into the bed to stare at the man on top of him. "Mixed up in this disgusting, dark world."

"Ry-"

"The world." He interrupted before Brendon could finish. Because this is something he'd been thinking for a while. Something he needed to say. "The world is a really fucking ugly place. I hate it. I really hate living in this world sometimes."

"Oh, Ryan." There was a squeezing pressure on his hips.

"But then I look at you." He smiled at the blush that always seemed to be waiting just behind Brendon's skin. "And you're beautiful. Really really fucking beautiful. And I think, if someone so beautiful can live in such an ugly world, then so can I."

"Even angels fall, Ryan." He isn't quite sure what it means, but he means it.

"Like Satan?"

"Well, yes."

"So you're saying you're he devil?"

Brendon let out a relived laugh/sigh at the switch in atmosphere again. There were playing again. Good. He was good at that. "Precisely."

"That's hot."