Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

Nightmares

Brendon stumbled out of the driver's seat of his car. Not bothering to take the keys from the ignition or even close the door after himself.

He felt hot. Like he was tap dancing, shoe-less on coals burning in the fires of hell. It was the middle of January. There was no reason he should be sweating the way he was. His entire face felt like it was dripping. He glanced down and could see the before mentioned coals smoking beneath him. Scorching the skin of his feet. He ran faster.

His heartbeat could be felt in his ears. And it was beating too fast. Way too fast. His heart, not his ears. His ears couldn't beat. But they felt like they were. Brendon reached up to touch them and felt them moving. In and out. In and out. In and out.

His breaths were coming twice as fast as his heart was beating. It felt like he was beginning to hyperventilate. His brain couldn't keep up with the speed of his breathing. It was making him light headed. He could feel his head being filled with air. Oh shit.

The spinning in his head had to be what was causing the churning in his stomach. Either that, or the fact that he hadn't eaten anything in two days. Or was it three? He couldn't remember. It could have been a fucking year with the way his ribs were sticking out of his skin.

A shuffling from behind him snapped his mind away from his sick stomach. His eyes snapped in every direction at once. It was too dark out to see anything other than the red, beady eyes of a creature just a few feet from him.

He ran, well tried to run, down the cement path to his front door. The ground began opening up behind him. His legs wobbled and his head kept twisting and turning. But he did eventually make it to the door. It swung open on it's own. Inviting him into a different kind of darkness. He stepped in and the door disappeared behind him before whoever was chasing him could come in.

A light flicked on, illuminating the entire room. It burned his dilated pupils. Even through the dark sunglasses he was wearing. He spun around to face the rest of the house. His eyes searched the bright room before they finally landed on Ryan.

Ryan was slumped in a chair on the other side of the room. He was naked except for the ratty towel around his hips. There were rows of needles sticking up from him arms. Brendon rushed to his side to help. To removed the needles before it was too late. Before Ryan overdosed. He snatched them out one by one. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Done. He reached up to touch Ryan's neck. Check his pulse. As soon as his fingers made contact, the man's head rolled off. Brendon screamed so hard that no sound came out-

His eyes snapped open. He was in darkness again. This time he was lying in bed. His chest moving up and down to match the frantic pounding of his heart. His face was buried in a pillow that was too soft. He turned his head to the side to gasp for air. He was back. He was in his room. Everything was okay. Was everything okay?

Ryan. He needed to make sure Ryan was still in bed and not slumped out in a dirty chair. Headless.

No. Ryan's well being was none of his business anymore. And even if he was, he was dreaming. Of course he was dreaming. None of that shit made sense now that he was able to sit down and think about it rationally. He was fine. Ryan was fine. He didn't need to get up and check on him.

He did  however need to get up and use the bathroom. He tossed the covers away from himself. Ignoring the icky feeling of being coated with his own sweat. He kept his eyes straight ahead as he passed Ryan's bed. He didn't want to watch the man sleep and end up doing something stupid. Like crawling into bed with him and cuddling up to his side until he was able to sleep without night terrors.

There was no way in hell Brendon was going to embarrass himself like that over a man who made it clear how much he didn't want him. How much he didn't care. They hadn't even spoken since the first day he came back. It wasn't like Ryan was always out of the room to avoid him like he used to do when they had problems. No, Ryan was in the same room with him all the time. Their bedroom. The cafeteria. Sometimes they were in the same activity classes. Ryan was even taking advantage of outdoors time now.

It was just the same as him not being there at all. He pretended Brendon didn't exist. He wouldn't even look at him anymore. Brendon would kill to have things go back to normal. He'd even kill to not see Ryan again at all. Anything was better than him being there but pretending Brendon wasn't.

Brendon shook the thoughts from his head and opened the bathroom door. Nearly tripping over something large when he tried to enter. He caught his balance, barely, and stared down at the culprit. Waiting the few seconds it took for his eyes to adjust to the darkness.

Ryan. It was Ryan. What the hell was he doing on the bathroom floor? Brendon remembered the last time they were on the bathroom floor together. His heart dropped almost as quickly as he did. The disadvantage of the darkness was that he couldn't see what Ryan was doing exactly. If Ryan was bleeding. He used his hands instead. His skin rejoiced at the opportunity to touch the man he missed so much. Brendon felt around his arms. His hands. Empty. Clear. Good. He touched the man's face without thinking. Flinched away at the feeling of wetness.

"Ryan what-" His words caught in his throat when he heard it.

The sob.

Only then did he notice the way Ryan was shaking under his fingertips. Brendon felt his own face beginning to heat up. Crying. Ryan was crying. Holy shit. His arms wrapped around the thin man. Not bothering to wait on consent from his own brain. He expected Ryan to push him away. Braced himself for the hurt. It didn't come. Ryan allowed himself to be held through his tears. It felt like a win. It felt like hope.

"You fucking moron." Despite the fact that he was crying, Ryan's voice rang clear and hard in his ear. "You utter idiot."

"Ryan?" He stilled around him.

"You could have died." Those words weren't as strong as the others. "What the fuck did you do?"

Brendon's arms tightened. He didn't fight the salty moisture from slipping past his eyes. "I-I got as high as your expectations."

That just made Ryan cry harder. Quieter. Brendon rubbed the line of his spine. "T-Tell me a pretty lie." He stammered.

"It's all going to be okay."

"Tell me a new lie." It was almost pleading.

He thougt for a second. "I don't love you."

That must have been what Ryan needed to hear because he didnt ask for another. They were out of words as they sat, crying on the bathroom floor. Where thier love started. Where it felt like it was ending.

A/N: I fucking love this chapter so much. I wrote it so long ago and i'm so glad I finally get to post it. I hope you all love it as much as I do!