Tripping Down 12 Steps Into Malibu

Step Six

They weren't speaking.

More like Ryan wasn't speaking to Brendon. Because it wasn't like Brendon didn't want to talk to his roommate, he did! And he'd tried on multiple occasions. Only to be shut down by Ryan's chipped tone and one word answers.

Just days ago the man confessed how much he liked him. And today he didn't even want to look in his direction. Much too wishy washy to keep up with. How would things ever work between the two if one day he was all over over him and the next day he was just over him period?

Simple answer, it wouldn't.

He needed Ryan to stop acting like this so that they could go back to how they were before last visiting day.

"Have you seen my green socks?" The stupid question soothed some of Brendon's worries. Just because it came from Ryan's mouth.

"No." Brendon closed the book in his lap. It wasn't like he was really reading it anyway. He'd much rather read their book. "But I can help you look for them."

"No thanks." Blatant dismissal.

He pulled a random white pair from his dresser. Sitting on the edge of the bed to roll them on his feet. Brendon didn't try to hide the fact that he was watching him.

"Where are you going?"

Ryan spared him an annoyed glance. "Out."

"Outside? I was just about to go too. We can play cards with the-"

"No."

"I-"

"Brendon, would you just leave me the hell alone? God, you're annoying."

All he could do was blink. "O-Okay."

Ryan mumbled something unintelligible before storming to the door. As soon as he was out of sight of his roommate, he stopped. Pressing his back against the closest wall.

It shouldn't bother him that much to be mean to the shorter man. It was the same way he treated him when they first met. Distant. Dismissive. That's what they needed to go back to.

Ryan would never let himself get as worked up again as he was on visitor's day. He couldn't remember the last time he felt that. . . That low. Watching Brendon interact with his fiancé. Having to sit by and watch him touch him and smile at him.

It was easy for him to think about when he didn't have to see it. Simple to pretend none of it bothered him. But actually witnessing their love was sickening. It took every bit of self restraint Ryan had not to stalk over and snatch him from his seat. Demand that he never set eyes on the taller man again.

But he couldn't do that. Because Brendon wasn't his. Of course his head knew that. But his heart didn't want to listen to that. So he rebelled against it the only way he knew how. Anger. If he was rude enough, Brendon would eventually start to hate him. Which in turn would make it easier to stop thinking about him so much. And then he could focus on the real reason he was there.

Ryan composed himself before continuing on to his destination. When he got to the room at the end of the hall, he knocked.

There was a polite. "Come in."

So he walked into Jesse's office. The man clearly wasn't expecting a visitor. He was sitting at his desk. His laptop shut in front of him. And he was eating what appeared to be some sort of salad. He was surprised to see a patient walk in. Even more surprised that the patient was Ryan.

"I just really need to talk." He answered the unspoken question.

"Do you want me to go get a counselor?"

"I need to talk to you." He clarified.

"Of course." Jesse wiped his mouth with a napkin. Pushing the unfinished meal away from himself. "Come all the way in. Close the door. What can I do for you?"

He pushed the door closed but didn't step any closer. "I need help."

"With what?" He got up to walk closer since Ryan didn't move.

"My drug addiction."

Jesse just stared. So Ryan continued.

"Step six is being ready to accept the help you give us, right?"

His eyebrows furrowed. "So this is about completing another step?"

"This is about finally accepting why I'm here. I'm an addict and I don't want to be anymore."

"You're ready for that?"

"I want to be. I thought I was getting better without all your bullshit activities. But these last couple of days have been hell. I went outside yesterday looking for wild mushrooms just to make me feel something positive. I need to stop and I have no one to talk to about it."

"I would be beyond happy to listen to you, Ryan."

Jesse wrapped his arm around his shoulder. Guiding him away from the door and towards the chair across from the one he'd just been sitting in. Still, Ryan refused to take the seat. So Jesse let go of him. Leaning against the edge of his desk to listen.

"I'm done being mad. I'm done blaming everyone else for my problems. I want to participate in everything. I want to get better and leave. I have to get out of this place and away from everyone in it. I have to get my sanity back. Please!"

With each word, his voice rose until it finally cracked on the last one. Jesse could see the walls breaking down around the man. Could feel the hurt radiating off of him. His bottom lip quivered. Tears shined in his dark eyes. And he broke. Right in front of him.

Jesse moved with lightening speed to cover him with a hug. His arms were probably squeezing him too tightly but neither complained. Ryan's warm face hid in Jesse's shoulder. Muffled cried being smothered in his sweater.

Jesse held back his own tears. Ryan Ross was opening up to him. The most difficult person he'd ever worked with was crying in his arms. He wanted to be better. And Jesse was going to make sure it happened. Even if it was the last thing he did.