Used To Be • Harry Styles

Twenty Eight

"Sir, sir," the doctor stopped my yelling. "We're gonna need you to calm down. I need to know how far along she was in the pregnancy."

"She's fucking shaking! She's passed out, please! Go help her!" I cry.

"Sir, how far along was she?" The doctor grabs my arms this time around while the EMT's leave the room and the nurses begin to have a look at Annie.

"Ten, ten, she was ten weeks pregnant," I stay crying.

"Ten weeks," the doctor turns around and repeats to the nurses before giving orders on what to give a passed out Annie.

"What's wrong with her?" I yell. "Is the baby okay? Is she gonna be okay?"

"Okay, sir, we're gonna need you to wait out there for a bit while we take an ultrasound," a nurse came out to me as Annie stopped shaking and began opening her eyes after something was injected into her arm.

"No!" I yell. "I'm staying! I need to be right here-"

"Sir, please, we'll call you back in a minute," a male nurse came around this time and was stronger than I was when I began to push.

○○○

A million thoughts were racing through my head, but all I could do was cry as I was sat in the waiting room.

It felt like I was sat there for days without hearing a word from the doctors.

When they finally came around and asked for me, I couldn't stand up and I had the worst headache from crying so much.

"Sir," the doctor who was asking me how far along Annie was began speaking to me in the hall. "I'm afraid your wife had an ectopic pregnancy. In the case of a normal pregnancy, the fertilized egg implants into the uterus, in her case it was implanted in her left fallopian tube. The baby was growing in there and the tube burst earlier this morning. Your wife had internal hemorrhaging, her left tube was removed, and I'm sorry to say the baby was never going to make it. All the bleeding has subsided, all her other organs are still in tact, but like I mentioned she has only one tube left. She woke up and I finished explaining to her what happened, we have however induced her sleep to help her healing overnight. You will be able to talk to her in the morning, but for now we'll put you up with her in the double room that she's in. A nurse will be on her way to escort you to your wife. We did everything we could. I'm so sorry for your loss."

I couldn't say a word.

The doctor gave me a sympathetic look before I bent over and grabbed at my knees for some support that I couldn't find.

○○○

Annie crying woke me up.

I blinked a couple of times before realizing where I was. Where we were.

Our hospital beds were next to each other, linked like a queen sized bed.

I soon remembered what had happened earlier that morning and I started crying with her.

She looked over at me before letting out a deep cry and turning away.

"It's not fair!" She yelled and I just hugged her as tight as I could without hurting her while we both cried.

○○○

We were let out the hospital the next day after some more tests.

Two days later at Annie's place, and we still hadn't spoken a word to one another. We were just sat in silence for the duration of the day, crying every other hour.

"I'm so sorry," I broke the silence. "I'm so fucking sorry you had to go through that."

"Stop," she barely spoke. "It's done now."

"Annie, we gotta talk about this."

"There isn't much to say," she shrugged.

"Annie, you almost died-"

"But I didn't," she snapped. "I wish I did," she whispers.

"How can you say that?" I shake my head. "Leave me here with nothing left?"

"It's not all about you," she hisses.

"I didn't say that. Look, I'm not trying to be selfish here, but what you just said was pretty selfish-"

"You can leave now."

"Leave where?" I ask already knowing what she was going to say.

"You can go back home. You can go buy your apartment, you can do whatever, but you can leave me now."

"Why the fuck am I going to leave you?" I almost exclaim.

"That's what everyone does! They all leave eventually-"

"Annie, we lost our child!" I yell. "We did-"

"I was the one carrying it! You didn't know I was pregnant until you dropped in on me-"

"Because you weren't going to tell me!"

"Why would God do this to us?" She burst out crying. "If there is a God, why cause us so much pain? This isn't fair, we aren't bad people, we don't deserve to have this gift, this precious gift, be torn from our hands like nothing."

We cried together from a distance.

"I can't answer that," I wipe my face. "I really can't."

"What really hurts, is that I can't even stand to look at you," she whispered. "I don't want to feel this way, I really don't but I can't help but feel even more broken when I see you," she kept crying. "Was it my fault?"

"No," I rush over to her. "How can you say that?"

"Don't touch me," she cries and I bring my hand to my side.

We stand in front of each other completely silent for what feels like an eternity.

"I guess when I said that you can leave, it's because I'm asking you to leave," Annie doesn't look up.

"What?" I shake my head. "Annie, how am I going to leave you at a time like this-"

"I want to be left alone!"

"Now?" I yell back. "Now you want people to delibrately leave you? All you do is make a big deal about how people walk away from you and now you want the one person that cares for you like no other on this entire planet to leave you? After what just happened to us?"

"There's nothing more for you to stick around for."

"I didn't stick around because you were having my child! I stuck around because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Did you think I asked you to marry me just because you were pregnant?"

"Stop it," she put her head down.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Annie."

"I can't deal with death," she admitted. "I need to be alone for the longest fucking time because it hurts to have anyone near me. We all grieve differently and I just want to be left alone."

"Do you doubt how I feel about you? Just answer that before I leave," I cry.

"I don't know, Harry. I don't know."

"Unbelievable," I shake my head.

"We were together for so little... just give me some time, please," she begged.

"Oh, I'll give you all the time in the world," I shake my head before grabbing my stuff and walking out the door.