Secretly In Pain

Broken

We went in to the the sushi store. I heard a familiar voice, i turned over to look only to see Maira talking to one of her friends. I know its wrong to eavesdrop but I had to. They were talking about Ranveer. So I did what I had to do, I took Asha and sat at a table next to Maira and listened. "We are trying to wrk it out, but it's soo painful. He doesn't understand my pain when I see other girls following him around. He won't make it clear that he's not single. On top of all this he won't share his feelings with me. He is so secretive and he says he needs his space but honestly that's not the problem. He is always flirting with other girls and our last argument got so heated and he.....he.....he ....slapped ....me. My own parents have never hit me. I left and he didn't even bother to come for me. He doesn't care, it's like I am his source of entertainment and I want to let go but I can't seem to. No matter what I just keep going back to him and I don't know why." I couldn't believe what Maira said, I didn't want to accept it and I definitely did not want to hear what her friend said next. She said " well that's because you love him" That was it. I didn't want to accept that. I thought she didn't love him. She was supposed to be a bitch. I felt suffocated, guilty. I needed to leave and I needed to leave now before I broke down. I abruptly got up and ran out. Asha came behind me. We were walking in silence. "He slapped her " Asha whispered. I didn't say anything and kept walking . Asha stopped walking and said in mere whisper but I still heard her "You love him, don't you?" I stopped the world around me stopped. No I didn't. He has a girlfriend. This was wrong. All of it was wrong. I was one of the reasons Maira was crying. I turned around and looked Asha dead in the eye and said"no I don't, it's just a crush. I will forget about it." I felt my heart break as I said this. I didn't know who I was trying to convince Asha or me.The rest of the walk to school went by in silence. I had only one thought in mind. Do I love him? No, love doesn't exist. I have to forget about him and fast. Before this ends up breaking me. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. No I was going to cry. I hadn't cried for 2 years after gr.8, and I wasn't going to cry now. I won't give him or anyone that power over me. Crying was for those who were weak. I wasn't weak. I AM NOT WEAK! I will stop thinking about him. I know I won't be able to completely stop but I will just have to see him without anyones knowledge. Just a glance at him from a distance that's all I needed. Plus I'm Maya. Maya Razadia. I don't need anyone and I definitely don't need love. I went back chanting this in my head over and over again. I just wish I knew then that pushing him and denying my feelings for him would only cause more pain in the end and would result in giving him the power to break me and make me the most weakest pathetic bitch on earth.