Secretly In Pain

Graduation

I looked over at Asha with pleading eyes "I really don't want to go in there. Plz just turn around and let's go home. We can watch Bollywood movies all night long!" Asha looked over at me with determination and said " I dragged you out once, don't make me do it all over again in front of everyone" I looked over at her and said "I seriously hate you" and then got out of the car. Since I am such a lucky person just as I got out, I heard a voice boom through the cafeteria " the last graduating student for this evening is Ranveer Singh! Plz come up on stage" I looked over at Asha to see her giving me a cheeky smile. Maybe if  I walked slow, by the time I got to the entrance Ranveer would have walked of the stage. As if Asha read my mind, she grabbed my hand and ran to the entrance. We both went inside. The place was gorgeously decorated, but I couldn't even admire the beauty of it. My eyes had already caught sight of what I would be seeing for the last time in my life. Atleast that's what I thought then. Ranveer. He looked so handsome. He got up on stage with a huge smile and did his speech, received his diploma,then got of stage. Everyone was applauding. His girlfriend Maira ran up to him, as he made it to the centre. He picked her up and twirled her around, just like I dreamed he would do to me. Maira truly loved him and hurt unbearably to know that. They were lost in each other's gaze yet I felt nothing. Like I was dead inside. That's when I realized I had made the biggest mistake. I was so lost in looking at him that I didn't realize I had walked up to him, until I was about 3 ft away from him. Maybe if I ran fast enough he wouldn't see me, but of course since I am the unluckiest bitch ever we made eye contact. Everything would have been fine if he just looked at me and looked away, I would've said sorry and left. Instead the second his gaze landed on me, I saw what I always saw in others eyes for me. Disgust. I didn't understand why thou. I hadn't done anything to him, everyone was looking me up and down. I didn't understand what was wrong. I looked down and felt myself blush in embarrassment. In a graduation filled with people dressed up all fancy in dressed and suit, I was standing in the fucking centre in fucking sweat pants, a big tshirt and my hair all over the place. I looked up to see Ranveer laughing and with in seconds the entire place was filled with laughter. As the laughter died down Ranveer said in his confident yet cold tone " you know I have seen you around the highschool before and honestly speaking what is it with you? Either you look like a slut or shit that came out of a trash bin!" The laughter that died down a few seconds ago roared 2 times louder. I wish the ground would swallow me whole. The pain was to much to handle. I looked at Ranveer, I don't know why I fell for this. Guys will only break you in the end. Never trust them. I thought that by the time gr.8 finished I would have this drilled in my head but it seems that my thoughts were wrong. I wish I had left, just turned around and walked away,but instead I looked up at Ranveer and made direct eye contact. The worst decision I made. He looked at me and gasped. Then turned to his friend and said out loud so everyone could hear " oh my god! Dude remember that crazy bitch I told you about in sophomore year. I told you that there was this freshman bitch that was practically everywhere I went and then it became her daily routine for the psychotic bitch to stand at a distance and stare at me. This is that fucking bitch!"
I wanted to run but I couldn't. I just felt the pain like someone took a knife stabbed me in the heart and was now twisting it. He noticed me all these years as either a slut or a piece of shit. He felt that I was a crazy psychotic bitch. I felt like I was being suffocated. Everyone's laughter was ringing in my years and his words, the devil in my head kept on repeating them. I couldn't take it anymore, I pushed and shoved everyone out of my way and ran outside. Asha was screaming my name, I didn't stop till I was in the empty parking lot. There was just silence. I was alone, like I always was. I didn't understand what sin had I done. Why was the only emotion I always feel pain. What does it feel like to be happy. It's been so long I forgot. I looked over at Asha, she looked away. She sounded broken. " I am so sorry. I didn't think this would happen. I just wanted to help you. I wanted you to let me in and let me show you that not everyone will break you. I wanted to show that you didn't have to put on a facade. I thought you would be happy , but I didn't think Ranveer would be so cruel. I am such a horrible friend. I shouldn't have forced you." I felt horrible. This was wrong. All wrong. Asha was just trying to help, the last thing I wanted was for her to feel guilty and for me to lose my best friend and only friend I had. I went and stood in front of her. "It's okay. I understand you were just trying to help. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have walked up to him. It's my fault for forgetting where I belong. Me and Ranveer will never happen. He is perfect and I...... well, I just like he said am a piece of shit. I am a slut. It's not ur fault, it's mine for wanting what's impossible and forgetting that the only thing I deserve to experience is pain. That's all I will ever feel and I shouldn't have forgotten that.....,,let's just go back to my house and sleep, I feel exhausted." I walked away from there fast and got in shotgun. I wanted to leave. Forget about all of this. I kept chanting not to cry. Crying is for those who are weak minded. Thou is it wrong to cry? Maybe I would feel better if I let Asha hold me while I just cried. That's when the devil inside whispered " yeah go ahead and cry. Let her know you are weak. Let her break you as well. Isn't it enough you already told her what your so called grandpa did to you. She probably agrees with Ranveer, thinks your a slut. Now let her know your weak minded as well.You are just pathetic." No I won't cry. I won't be weak! This is all going to be all right. Ranveer is going to leave off to college or university. I won't ever see him again. Everything is going to be all right, I thought as Asha got in to the car. Little did I know how extremely wrong I was!