The free will ( eng)

15. Finding Mr. Right

The morning after I put on my fancy pants and went to the cabin after Calle and I shared my waffle on the porch. Mine came with strong coffee and my own orange- chilli –chocolate-cream, his didn't. Olof was bout to come later. When he did he was sober but a bit grumpy. Why? We had a nice time yesterday? Did he read something on Facebook? I had liked a post from a friend thanking "the most beautiful woman In the world" and linked the Bachata we danced to. I wasn't sure what he meant, but liked it anyway. Just to be safe. Or did he read something from my computer? When I logged in this morning with writing " F" I ended up on my last Facebook page. It wasn't mine. It was a very beautiful girl I did not know, except that she was dancing like me. Was I really that uninteresting that he could not restrict himself from admiring other women while seeing me? It reminded of Richard. He cleaned his web history hysterically and the "auto- complete" service was off. That showed everything he had been visiting. He got caught anyway. He forgot to " forget me" on his hotmail. His mistress address showed up. It was confirmed when he had bought her a domain for a website, they sent the renewal along with all the others for our business. He destroyed our holiday when he left me waiting on the street.

- I forgot my wallet, he said and ran up. I waited and waited. He didn't come. After ages he came back.

- What were you doing?

- I had to go to the toilet, he said. But I didn't buy that and felt he was lying. When we got back I checked his wallet. I found the receipt for buying WIFI at the exact same time I was waiting on the street. The time on the receipt gave him away just as when he took a cab home with my pretty neighbour and slept with her in our bed.

We went out to the cabin ant started to work. It was cloudy, cold and windy. I could almost smell the rain in the air. We only had a few hours before the first drops. Shit! I ran down the ladder to Olof.

- Wow! Good Job! I said encouraging before asking him to help me quickly with the cover. I dragged the huge cover up the ladder and unfolded it. It was a strong wind and blew up in my face all the time. It needed weights or be tied quickly. I threw down strings to Olof but he was so slow that it blew up all the time. My adrenalin was pumping. The house and I was getting wet. Finally I managed to do it on my own.

- I'm going home now said Olof, probably a little offended and feeling my irritation although I had tried to conceal it. I could be read like an open book, my friends said.

- Okay, thanks' for coming, I answered and went disappointed back inside to work at the computer. I couldn't concentrate. Somewhere inside me I had hoped I would develop romantic feelings for Olof. He made me happy. Most men had made me miserable. When he came drunk, checking for other chics and got offended perhaps I should keep searching? I thought about where I could find HIM and what I was looking for? I wrote in my diary:

· Trust: without trust there was nothing to build the relationship on.

· Communication: to be able to talk and share thoughts so you didn't have to read them, without starting WW3 or the cold war or, and actually listen and take in what is said.

· Respect: When you hear what other people say and respect that.

· Honesty: to share your feelings, thoughts without small or big lies.

· Consideration and generosity: to give from your heart and not expect anything in return

· Loyalty: Not talking behind your back, turning your back and stand up for each other, for better or worse

I sighed. It was obvious none of my ex's had those qualities. David got pretty close, but fell on communication. Olof was very closo too. But not an ex. Richard I still wondered about. He had some traits that reminded of those of a psychopath;

· Chatty, shallow and charming, with fabulous stories not seldom a lie.

· Immense confidence, champions in everything but with low self-esteem and self contempt

· Extreme need for control and power and demonstrating it by bullying and reducing with different techniques

· Manipulative: always gets what they want by charm, lies or slender

· Ice cold: No emotions except anger if lost of control or threatened. Pretends to have emotions, but doesn't. Eyes are empty and cold.

· Grandios ego and self image as "center of the universe" that needs to be confirmed, followed and not damaged.

· Responsibility: They would have to look it up. When someone are of no use anymore, they loose interest.

· Morals, conscience, remorse and guilt: See above.

· Truth? See above. Lies about everything without hesitation and tells.

· Friends? As long as they are of use

· Often thrill seeking and sexually promiscuous

The list could be longer. Richard had had some of them in various extent. I realized that when I was in teachers college. I discussed it with my psychology teacher who cried from recognition of her own relationship.

I decided to do my exercise routine and some dancing. I felt sad and mellow. It used to bring me into a better mood. My hips didn't lie. Shakira and I shook our hips together and it made wonders as usual. Afterwards I took my salad and ate in front of the computer. I did some easy accounting along with watching Frasier. I laughed as usual. Ross didn't like that her hair was FLAT before a date. " On a good date it's flat AFTERWARDS!!" I laughed further on my own thoughts... she must obviously have had pretty bad dates.. or otherwise never heard of the expression XXXX ? There wasn't much action in that area in my life and I wondered what I was going to do about it? To find a new boyfriend seemed to take time. My broken heart and nerves demanded that I chose right this time. Within the salsa community most men believed Olof and I were a couple and had stopped flirting. At the same time I didn't want to loose Olof. We were like a couple. Just not that way. Before the summer I had had a date with my lady friend's ex that I met at her party. He was charming, intelligent, had humuor and was very good looking. We had danced and could feel we clicked. We became friends on Facebook and our chat escalated into a date. My conscience told me to stay away from my friend's ex. That was a very sensitive area. What was allowed in love? When I was younger I had put my friendship first. A man she was interested in wanted me to leave Richard and move in with him. After just knowing him one evening and not even staying the night. We really hit it off and I was very interested to meet him again but couldn't do it. What if I had?

This time I decided that love is the most important thing in life. I had been without so long. I had invited him for dinner in my shop before us going together to a dance class. He tried to talk me out of the dancing part, but I didn't listen. I so wanted to have a dancing boyfriend. It didn't work well. He did not 'get the opportunity to shine and feel like a man in control. I had provided dinner at my place and been superior in dancing, teaching him, making him feel inferior. If you wanted to succeed you should do the other way around. It worked in most situations. Even at a job interview I had. Although I hardly said anything I got the job. The man talked most about him self and the company and I listened with interest and asked a few questions. That technique is also excellent when you want to sell something. Most people think they should do the talking. The trick is to get the customer start talking about themselves and their needs. Simpel psychology. Of course, in an honest relation, you should be interested and listen more than you talk, wether it's your customer, friend or partner. 

There was no more date. I expected him to call, but he didn't . I don't blame him. He was perfect, besides from not dancing and being my friend's ex. Dancing took all my spare time. It was my passion. And the dream was to find someone that shared it so I didn't have to sacrifice it. That was probably to be asking too much. What should I do?