The free will ( eng)

34. Bite the bullet

During the following days I cant do anything except wondering what happened?  Did the soup burn a hole in my stomach? Was it an ulcer? The black tongue sort of didn't fit the symptoms? I googled it and only cyanide did. I even called healthcare- information and friends I knew if they ever had seen one with a black tongue when they had a stroke or heart attack or something like that. They didn't.  My mind went to Agatha Christie's novel; Arsenic and laces... It's always the one you least suspected that did it. Or they all did. In a conspiracy. The world is complicated. Life is a mess. Would it end when You're dead?

Once again I found my self in the same situation as last summer. I couldn't move, eat, drink,  sleep, go to the toilet without difficulty. Pretty basic body functions you expect to .. function. Until they don't. Only then you get aware how much they mean to you, how precious health and doing ordinary things in life is, and aware what other people with bad health struggle with. How brave they are. How they fight. People rarely give up without a good fight, only when they instinctively know all hope is lost. Some say " You can live long without a lot of things, but hope is the one you cant live without. It's the last thing to leave You. "

When I tried to eat or have coffee my body started to shiver and my blood-pressure dropped. I couldn't breathe and often had to get to bed with one knee up, arms out to avoid chock.  Quite often I lost senses of the right side of my body, mostly when I had my strong morning coffee, and it was time to do number two. I had to zip my coffee very slowly and stop eating so nothing would pass through my intestines. Something was very wrong.  Sleeping was hard.  After a few nights I understood that when I turned around in bed something burst in my stomach and my heart would race from the adrenaline. Your body does that if there is a wound bleeding and it stops you from bleeding out and get into chock. I just had to sit tight as still as I could and not not move or eat. For how long?

After another week I thought I would  loose my mind again. This was insane. I must just imagine all this? Why can't I be like normal  people? I have to see people. Talk with them. I don't have to dance. Just watch people dancing. If I took a cab I wouldn't have to move that much?  Okay. I am going. I did my make up and found my warm dress. I packed the dancing shoes. Just in case. What if I walked to the bus here  and took a cab from town to the restaurant? Then it wouldn't cost a fortune I didn't have. 

After only two minutes of walking I can feel pain in my stomach. I get dizzy and my vision turns black. A gentle voice in my head said " go back home! You will pay a big prize for this if you continue."  Should I turn back? After more than an hour of make up and dressing up?  "You are such a cry baby! Who said life was easy? "  I could hear my mothers voice in my head, She had the gold medal of suffering. Or at least pretended too. I never understood why she painted it soo hard. No one but her could be in pain, so I learned early on to keep my mouth shut. 

At the bus station I still have to walk up all the stairs to the street. I manage to find a cab and gently sit down like a princess without spreading my legs. Itś not more than a ten minute drive. In front of the restaurant the street is packed with snow. " Could You please drive around the corner and stop there?"  I ask politely as he stops in  the middle of the street. Other cars behind us begin to honk their horns. " No ! " He seems very angry and I don't find the courage to order him. I feel very stressed so I pay and almost jump out of the car over the pile of snow.  

There is no one there except me and the owner.  " Is the tango cancelled?" I ask worriedly. " No, You are just early.  People will be here shortly." Alright,  I am not sure I am going to dance today, but  I will have a glass of white wine and the menue, please."  " Are You sick?" " Sort of. Some kind of kidney failure and maybe a bleeding ulcer. I don't know.  What wine do you have? " Shouldn't You go to the doctors? " He asks while  showing two bottles.  " It didn't go very well last time. Can I taste them?" "Sure". He pours and I zip. "I will go with the chardonnay. It was good!"

As we chat about wine  and  dancing more people show up and join our conversation. I get invited by a charming older man to sit at his table and join his company, another man and a beautiful woman my age.  I sit down and introduce my self briefly. " I work at H&M starting new shops abroad. Tomorrow I am going to Peru for six months." No!  Can I go in your bag? I wan't to go too! Have some adventure! " You can join me in Helsinki next week for a tango carnival" says Anders who invited me to the table.  I look at him suspicously. " We wouldn't share a bed. I often have women company me as friends"  I relax a little. He wasn't hitting on me. " That would be lovely,  but I don't hink I can. I  shouldn't even be here. I was paralyzed last summer for several months and now itś something with my kidneys and an ulcer or something, I should be really still, but I can't sit still every day. I am literally climbing the walls in my head. I HAVE to dance.  I am addicted. "We are too! Itś a way of life. You can come with me to Warzawa in the spring if You want.  Really good dancing, excellent accomodation and food! I go there all the time" I look at him and is just about to answer when Anders asks me to dance. " We can take it really nice and slow?"  "Allright. I can try." I get up slowly.  He leads me to the dance floor and begins carefully. He is really good.  As he can feel others looking he picks up speed and make me do more moves. I enjoy every second. We sit down again an continue talking. The other man soon asks me to dance. He is even better. I ask him to speed it up a little.  The fire in my soul is lit and won't listen to my brain.  After a while I cant breathe. My heart is beating like a birds, and  the world is spinning. " I am sorry I have to sit down."   "What is the matter?" He asks worriedly.  "My stomach hearts really bad."  " You shouldn't be here. You should see a doctor!"  I look at him, but don't answer.   He leads me back our table and they look worriedly at me. "How are You? "   The other woman asks. " I am okay. I just have a severe pain in my stomach and trouble breathing. I need to be still", I say more to calm my self than her, and try to control my breathing. I put my head between my legs when my vision gets black and I start to cold sweat.

"You should really go home, honey! We can dance when You are better! " Anders says and gives me his business card.

" I think so too. Hope to be back soon!" I get my stuff and head for the subway.  It's a ten minute walk. If  I walk quickly I might be able to catch the freeway-bus that is much faster. The problem is- I can't walk fast. I am torn between getting home quickly and getting very ill as a consequence and walk slowly to save my self.  The result is somewhere in between, and of course I miss the subway and the bus. It's very cold but my adrenaline is pumping in my veins keeping me focused to get home without crying and breaking apart. After a while the slow bus arrives and I get on it. I lean my head against the window and close my eyes as I listen to my favorite love songs. I force my self not to think. I don't want to worry about what is ahead. After a 45 minute ride I get off. I walk slowly. My adrenaline seem to have run out. My heart is beating like a bird again and I can't breathe. My vision gets black and I am very dizzy. I walk like a drunk.

Finally I get home. I pour a glass of my own red Malbec and sit in the dark at my desk, staring in front of me with eyes that don't see. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? ARE YOU INSANE??? WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO WHAT I TELL YOU???" The guardian angel in my head seems upset.  " I just wanted to live like normal people" the little girl inside me answers in defense.

How am I going to be able to sleep? should I take two pills just in case? What is worse? Sleeping with pills that kills my kidneys or no sleep that will kill my stomach and eventually me? I took one and went to bed after the usual thirty minutes wait. 

The morning after it feels like I've been shot  and have a bleeding wound. It's not possible to stand up straight. Carefully I put on my robe and crawl down from bed on my knees and out to the kitchen to try and make some coffee. My tenant come out as always when he hears me. "What the hell are You doing?" He says and looks suspiciously at me.

" I have been asking my self that very same question. My stomach hurts. I should probably have stayed at home yesterday."