The free will ( eng)

Painful memories

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I woke up refreshed after after a good night's sleep, During the holiday I had a few bad nights so It was needed. I let Calle outside to swiftly run across the street and then I sat down with my coffee to answer mails and messages. After that we took a walk around the neighborhood as usual. I couldn't help myself laughing to myself overhearing some " veterans"

"My sponsor told me, your mind is a dangerous place, don't go there alone!"

Mý mind definitely was a dangerous place to visit. I had been practising a lifetime to suppress my inner feelings, thoughts and dreams. When I left Richard, I went out of the ashes and into the fire. To live without love was one thing, to have a life on your conscience was another. On my fridge there was a magnet with the text: "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute." It was no longer a joke. My brain had more than once stopped working because of PTS. To be on the edge of what your heart, mind and soul could handle required hard work with denial and discipline. To mess it up with love was the worst I could do.

I prepared the shop for opening and went down to the subway with my signs. I put flowers, clothes, hats and bags outside the open door. I took pralines from the fridge, wiped the counter, shelves and floors My eyes looked routinely for something that wasn't perfect.

It was a lovely sunny day and slow business. As usual on Saturdays, the best day of the week. If you had a shop that was no good. I sent a message to Olof and we decided to take the ferry together for the evening salsa. We talk and laugh as usual when we see each other and dance lots of dances, glad to be together again. All of a sudden I see Miguel and my heart stops and I freeze. He looks at me and approaches. When he's in front of me he hesitates. He's just as handsome as ever. I take a deep breath.

Hi! I say and give him a hug.

How are you? He asks and scrutinize me. I can sense some pain in his eyes.

I'm fine thank you. And you?

I'm fine. I study and work full time at the same time, so I'm busy.

And you?

The usual. Accounting and my shop. I try to sell wine and chocolate if there is any time left, I answered. We looked intensively at each other. I had no idea if he knew about me and Olof or had seen any of the pictures of us together.

Do you want to dance?

Okay. I answered with hesitation. I wasn't sure I could handle it. It's not easy for me to be close to you. I have fought hard to forget you.

It hasn't been easy for me either. I thought you and David were just a phase and that you would come back to me. I had to leave Sweden to get away from everything, he answered. A wave of guilt and pain swayed through my body and hit my heart.

I heard you left? Did you you walk El camino de Santiago in Spain again? I asked and looked sadly at him.

No. I had some things with my projects I've been working with in Spain. I see you wear your black dress?

Mmm. I answered and took a deep breath. I remembered when we bought it. It was on a flee market among the citizens around the shop. It was a lovely spring day. We had a great time rummaging through all the things people sold. He bought me a beautiful necklace and I had found this elegant yet sexy dress that was tight on my waist but had a short wide skirt excellent for dancing. I also found black "hooker " leather boots. Miguel had been mesmerized. He had taken photographs of me with my boots with and without the dress. I was forbidden to wear it without him. And I never had.