The free will ( eng)

Better and better day by day

Slowly I get better day by day. One day I try to do a part of my routine as gentle as I can just to see how my body copes. No heavy exercises or positions where the blood flows to the brain.  When I used to do this while living with Richard it always ended up with a backlash, me feverish and feeling like I had the flue again.. for a month.. going on autopilot like a zombie.. from work to the kitchen and a an hour or two in front of the TV before I tried to sleep. That went worse and worse too by the years.. It was a nightmare. I knew I wouldn't survive long like that. Every cell in my body screamed NO  and my soul too. It faded like a rose in the autumn.  I wanted to be a beautiful flower filled with life and joy of living. I always knew I had a lot of spirit in me that waited to be let out.

I had missed my exercise so much that I cry for real when I meditated afterwards. My head didn't explode although I could feel it pulsating a lot. I still use an extra pillow at night or I wont fall asleep at all  because my heart will race when the brain swells.

I try to save some energy for dancing and go to some tango and Cafe Opera club with Olof before I try salsa again. Tango and "Kizomba-fox " is much slower and I can lean on them without carrying my own weight and balance to much. I go to a drop in salsa class to try my  energy and balance. Although it's the highest leve and me being paralysed and almost dead  I am surprised how much I had developed. I have perfect balance after trippel spins and I don't grasp for breath and have plenty of time left to add my own styling. The instructor likes it a lot and adds it for everyone in the routine. Just a simple move, but it was new and sexy. He is a little surprised and  praises me and I am also somewhat surprised. I saw the look in his eyes. I had no idea what was going on. Why they kept me short.  They liked my dancing and looks  but hated me? He and his brother had copied other unique moves from me qand partners before that no one else did. It was very obvious. One move was with the bodyguard and the other with Sebstian . There had never been anything wrong with my dancing, just me. I wondered why ?

I go to a milonga at a little restaurant very close to my shop. Sebastian is there. Its impossible not to dance with him when we are so few.  I enjoy dancing with him and I believe he does the same but he seems to have made up his mind about us. I'm a bit disappointed since I was convinced we would have made a good couple. We have the same spirits and interests and he is not too young or old. No daddy or boy issues.  But I am not short of candidates. Within the tango there are several I'm interested in. I started dancing where the professionals went and met Jose whom I join on the subway afterwards. We talk a lot and I tell him I dance other dances.  We exchange business cards and I invite him to dance salsa with me. We have a "date" at Chicago to have dinner and see the open class. The  instructor and owner stared at me and him and I could see the question on his forehead,   either 'who the hell was this guy?? " or why are you WATCHING class and not attending? He knew that class would have given me zip nada and only made me irritated. Why did I bring  "dates"  to dancing? Why couldn't I ever keep a low profile? I did this on Kizomba, tango, salsa and bachata...  and wondered why they didn't like me? 

On Wednesdays I often meet the handsome man in Alvik. We exchange numbers. One night we almost only dance with each other. I really don't know what to make of it ? It's not normal? Why did he dance with me so much? After a break I ask another man, even better than him and it seemed to piss him off. No more dancing that night.

I Also meet Olof and Kristian. I ask to sleep over so I can stay out longer and also only have 15 minutes to work instead of 90 .  Kristian offer med the couch in his office.. but he makes quite an effort to make me share his bed. He gives me a very nice massage too.. No happy ending to him but my body enjoyed his gentle hands a lot and releases a lot of endorphins.  He is quite a gentleman and doesn't get angry or give me a hard time.  Instead we have wine and cook dinner together and play Trivial Pursuit.  He talks so much it's hard to stop him. It's almost a lecture... I recognize this from myself and remind myself not to do this to others.. It's boring.   Besides that, our love for dancing and travelling our souls are very different.

I often wonder if what I am doing is okay?  Olof and I had talked about it a few times. He said he would rather see me as a friend than not at all. Richard kept me for 20 years although he knew I  didnt love him, wasnt happy and  tried to leave several times. My parents knew too. They didnt help either.