The free will ( eng)

10. Facebook

After a stroll in the lovely garden looking at the fish pond, I sit down in the evening sun with a glas of wine to read from my diary to refresh my memory. Not that it really was needed. My memory served me far to well ) even though I tried hard for the opposite. It had a tendency to dwell on me when I least needed it.  

" It was a long time ago I felt like this... I have been tired and exhausted lots of times but now I feel it's not far to rock bottom again. Slept badly of course and it's exactly two years after D-day as well. I think I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't have any relationship at all with Miguel, but he pushes me and refuses to let go and I give in time after time.

I know he only misses me when there isn't anything more exciting happening elsewhere. If he gets something or SOMEONE else to focus on his interest will fade quickly. Also it seems like my bikes, boats, cars and electric devices are more important. I feel that he is only with me because of materialistic things I can give him and for nightly pleasures. He will recover quickly!! I SHALL NOT SEE HIM AGAIN!!!

Then why am I so sad and hurt? WHY does he have to call me eleven o 'clock at night when he knows I go to bed before ten and can't sleep ? or wakes me up at five in the morning just because some parts of him are awake early? Then you think more of your self. "

I sighed to the memory of the stormy relationship with Miguel and remembered our traumatic reunion after the break up.

We hadn't seen each other for weeks but during a dance workshop we both had paid in advance we had to meet again. I did not want our relationship influence my dancing and the possibility to learn Kizomba. It turned out to be a bad decision. We had been forced to dance together and it had been impossible not to meet his eyes. He saw that I was a wreck and everybody else too.

- How are you really Anna? He asked.

- Not to good, but I'm hanging in there, I answered.

- You've lost a lot of weight, I see?

My light khaki linen shorts hang far down my hips revealing my thin waist. My tummy was finally flat from " holiday" and not eating. Usually it was blown up.

- Mmm, It happens when you don't eat. Everything I eat twists in my stomach and wants to come out again.

- I know. It's the same for me. But you have to eat. Maybe we can go down to the park together during the lunch break?

- Sure, I answered. As always affected by his presence.

We went down down to the park and bought some sandwiches and coffee and sat down to watch those who were dancing. For some reason it was tango which it usually wasn't and I had recently started learning.

We had laughed to our memory we had a few weeks earlier. We had attended an outdoor tango event together and bumped into friends we never expected to see there. The very couple which summer party we finally broke up at, and the organizers of the sail salsa where we had created lots of scenes. We had tried to avoid being caught seen together since everyone thought we were finally through. When they saw us they shock their heads and laughed. We made them promise not to tell any one. We had a lovely evening and it might just have turned out well if not Facebook had come in between.