The free will ( eng)

7. No hablar de nada?

The plane landed in Sofia, Bulgaria and I got up to get my hand luggage. I always travelled light because I was fed off waiting for baggage lost and having to carry everything when I didn't even use half of it. It was a miracle I had managed get it all with my helmet hanging on the handle and my dear old "Marlboro boots" on me. I took the first available bus to town without even checking where it went our how to pay. A lovely young man paid my fair on the bus in cash... and even got off with me directing me where to go to find the apartment I had rented. There sure was hope for humanity... I thought when he helped me without motives. The apartment was nice and clean. I had rented it for two days to have a look around Sofia before getting picked up to the mountains. I went out for a stroll in the city and sat down at a coffee shop and wrote.

The love for Rafael had been bottomless. When we finally had some longer time together during the Christmas holidays I was in paradise. I got him breakfast in bed every morning as usual with candle lights on the tray and put on the CD I had compiled for him with all my favourite songs and then we made love for hours. Afterwards we went for a walk with Calle in the magical winter landscape with ice crystals from the white snow glowing from the trees and ground reflecting the sun. In the afternoon we danced with candle lights everywhere in front of the fire in the big kitchen before we had dinner and sat down at the other fire place in the living room. It was pure balm for my tormented mind and soul and what I had been dreaming of for all my life. I finally made up my mind so that he would understand that I was serious even though I was scared to challenge faith.

-Rafael, the thing you asked me before, I have an answer for that, I said and looked at him seriously deep into his eyes. His eyes lit up.

-Do you want to marry me? He asked somewhat astonished.

-Yes I do.

-Really? You know You have to move and everything?

-I know.

-I want us to have a child too.

-I don't think it's possible. It's been ten years now and I'm too old soon, I said and saw a beautiful baby girl with black shiny hair and a mix of our features in front of my eyes, dreaming of the possibility to be a mother again after twenty years. After that we had another lovely evening and I thought to myself that if it didn't happen now, it would never happen.

It wasn't long before I started to gain weight and feel sick. I never felt sick usually and my weight almost exploded so I should have understood earlier , but I thought it was impossible. Rafael was glad. Even though he had commented on a Drew Barrymore being fat, when she isn't and given me a complex about that, he had complained about me loosing my generous curves and that he could feel my ribs and count them with his eys, saying I was like a chicken. Maybe if he hadn't said Drew was fat I would have eaten more? My body used to look like hers. When I finally went to the doctors it was because I couldn't sleep from a bloody and painful urinary infection.

-You are pregnant Anna, the doctor said on my visit.

-WHAT? That's not possible?

-Yes, you are. You have an infection too that I will treat with antibiotics.

-I left his office in shock wondered how this could be?  and called Rafael when I got out on the street.

-I'm pregnant Rafael, I said bluntly.

-WHAT?!

-You have made me pregnant, I repeated . The phone went dead silent. After a long while I heard him again.

-You have to have an abortion, he said and I almost stopped breathing. Even if we had broken up more times than my body could handle we had always found our ways back to each other.  I thought we couldn't live without each other?