Shortly after "dinner" at Antons I get ill again. My stomach doesnt work at all . I pee in a little glass jar and see that its almost red the few drops that comes out. My concerned thoughts are disrupted by the cellphone.
- Hello?
- Hi, its Sebastian. How are You? I wanted to know when you want to come back for your massage?
- Ahh.. I dont know Sebastian? I havent been well lately.
- Im sorry to hear that Anna.
- Im not really sure when I can come now when I dont live in town anymore? I said hesitantly since I had decided to keep Stockholms buses and trains out of my life, as well as making appiontments and being on time. We both sucked. SL being to blame most of the time . SL was for those who wanted thrill in their life. my cup was full.
- How about Tuesday afternoon? You will be my last patient and we will have all the time in the world... ?
- Alright, I said and thought I could go dancing after and maybe ask Olof to come see me too?
- See you then, hope u get better Anna!
We hung up. I rest as much I can the whole week. Slowly my urine increases and change color. A week after I take the bike instead of connecting bus. As usual Im in the last minute and make too sharp a turn on the icy road. I fall hard. It hurts really bad but I dont have time to feel, I just get back on the saddle , cross the road like a maniac when I see the bus approaching the station, ride all the way to the stop and park it there instead of where its supposed to. The driver waits while I lock it up in a hurry.
-Thank you! I look at him gratefully and once again take the first seat, put on relaxing music and try to breath slowly and pace my heart and nerves.
I make it on time and Sebastian greets me with a warm hug. I undress and lie down on the bench.
- I m gonna be careful and not press so hard. It releases lots of toxins from your muscles.
His strong hands started gently working my back and slowly went down my ass and thighs. His fingers worked the inside like a piece of bread. When they got higher and higher up my breathing became heavier and I wondered if I should do anything to stop it? This was way out of line, but I needed the oxytocin and dopamine badly and suffered from abstinence.
His fingers gently touched the forbidden area and then back again. All my senses just went way sharper. My brain-waves shifted up another gear. He really seemed to enjoy this? What should I do? He poured more oil on my back and his fingers worked his way to my but and then gently down.. I sat turned over qickly. How come men didnt know they could not switch from the back to the front? I covered my self with the towel.
- I have to pee and rinse. My kidneys are not fully recovered. Germs there travel express there.
- Sorry. I had an infection to in South America a few weeks ago. I have raw turmeric and ginger. Would you like some tea with it? Its tasty and antiseptic.
- Yes, please.
- If there is anything else you need, just let me know? He said and looked deeply into my eyes with his blue.
- I will, I said and wondered what exactly he meant with "anything"?
- Same time next week?
- Okay.
- Promise to take it easy and rest?
- I will.
He hugged me and didnt let me go for a few seconds. I left the fancy building and texted Olof, put on the make up on the train to save five minutes. At the restaurant I made a french twist with my hair, dropped the leggings from the hooker stockings, pulled up my black skirt to a coctail- dress to the fancy tango heels and put the back pack behind the sofa.
- A glass of white please, and the menu, I said to the owner and tango-instructor behind the bar. He looked at me and smiled.
- I havent seen you in a while? How are you? He poured some Chardonnay for me to taste and then a crispy Sauvignon.
- Chardonnay please. I screened the menu for toast with shrimps or some fish and then turned to the doctor next to me who once compared me to an instructor in Argentina. I was very flattered.
- What are you having?
- The greek moussaka. Its good. I remembered the owners wife was greek.
- Im gonna go with the sea-food-stew.
- Last time we danced you thought you had Addisons? How are you feeling now?
- I dont want to talk about my health, I said and sipped some wine, remembering him saying how it would be impossible for me to dance if my adrenal glands didnt work? My respect for doctors was blown away with my health-problems. They acted like they were gods and their knowledge not to be questioned if you didnt want your record ruined and be locked up.
From the corner of my eye I could see Olof walking in. He looked at me and smiled.
- Hi Olof! Im so glad you came! I said and hugged him.
- Of course! I havent seen you in weeks! I asked the owner to play an interval salsa and grabbed Olof. It felt good to show them my salsa skills.
More people came and I danced a few dances at a time and then went back to Olof.. He didnt seem to mind at all and talked to the others at the bar.
- Olof, can you please keep check on the time for me so I dont miss my bus?
- I will. He said and smiled confidently.
The man I just finished a tanda with looks pissed and asks if we "are a couple? " Its none of your business" I want to say since he dont know me that well.
- No, we are best friends and have danced a lot the past few years. Before I can say anyting more another man asks me to dance. I recognize him well.
- It would be my pleasure. I say flattered.
- We will wait till the next tanda, he said and walked away. I turned to Olof somewhat chocked.
- Did you recognize him?
- No?
- Thats the DJ at the big tango event. He practically started it here. They normally dont ask people outside their small circle for a dance.
-But we got to go now.
- okay. I pondered for a while if I wanted to have this dance that could change my status on the floor or go home and get my sleep so I dont fall sick again? It wasnt really that hard a choice. I head to the sofa to get dressed. The crazy Russian guy sits there and zips his wine wondering why Im already leaving?
- I have a really long way to go and my bus dont go there very often.
Out on the street I asked Olof for the time so I knew how fast we needed to walk. I had dressed slowly when talking to the russian. Olof showed me his watch.
- WHAT!? It leaves in THREE MINUTES!!?We will never make that! You were suppose to keep an eye on the clock!!?
- But you always get ready in a few minutes?
- THATS WHEN ITS SUMMER!! I almost yelled. have a ton of clothes!! I wonder if he really just didnt want me to miss the bus and have me to himself as long as possible? It wouldnt be the first time.
We ran so fast we just saw the train leaving the station. I didnt know if I was more angry with myself than Olof? I sank down on my knees and called my father with tears rolling on my cheek.
- Hi dad, its me? What are you doing?
- Hi Anna, we are watching a movie. How are you?
- Well, Im in town and on my way home but just missed my bus and thought I could come to you instead, if you could pick me up at the subway?
- I m sorry Anna, I ve had alcohol, he said with a voice that clearly told me he wasnt.
- Alright. We hung up. My heart just froze some more. It was a blessing since it kept me from more PTS. A confirmation of what I already knew. Olof looked like he wanted someone to take him off this planet.
- Good night Olof. He kissed me on my check and left. He knew I blamed him. I would never trust anyone ever again. On the bus I decided not to call a taxi for the last part and just stop a car. I had been living on the wild side for a very long time, why stop now?
YOU ARE READING
The free will ( eng)
Chick-LitA true story about dreams of love, happiness and friendship, with passionate relationships, sickness and death and a fight not to loose grip of reality and your own soul. Anna is living in a bad relationship with her sons father. She dreams about...
