The free will ( eng)

A little dirt never killed anyone?

My urinarytract infection and kidneys went from bad to worse. Was it me riding on a bike for 8 kilometers in the freezing cold or was it something else? The fever increased and the urine got a red tone. On Sunday, the best  day to tango of the week, I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired so I went anyway. Anastasias singing was lightning my fighting spirit. 

The night was magical. All of my best partners were there. I floated on air and felt like a violin being played on by my best partners. It was poetry in motion. The music told a story and I acted out its feelings in my movements. It was like I was possessed with Hathor, the Egyptian godess of Dance and music.  On my home on the bus I wondered how great a prize I would have to pay  for tis adventure?  Would it be worth it? I took my pill and a glass of wine as I got home and fell  a sleep. After a few hours I woke up again . It would be a very long night. 

It took several days to rebabilitate.  I couldn't do anything except work.  It prevented me from going insane. I cancelled my massage and called Jackie. " I am freaking out here! I can't do this again. Itś like I am a prisoner in my own body, just sitting still and wait for it to heal. Whenever I move I am back on square one. "   " You need to see the doctor Anna and see that  it hasnt reached your kidneys!" Jackie answered. "I ve been home and still for two weeks now Jackie. Its finally getting better. " "Check anyway! Promise? "I mumbled something and we hung up.

Olof called. " Anna, I miss You! Why don't You come over? We can watch a movie and I will take care of You for a while?" " I dont think that is a very good idea Olof. I am so much better now. Almost well. To go out in the cold now, waiting for the bus and ride among all the people, and on the subway? Me handling the stress that involves? I dont think so. " PLEASE Anna! " He kept working me and it didn't take long until I caved. Jackies words still rung in my ears " It could be in your KIDNEYS". 

On the street You could almost feel the polarbears in your neck. The north wind was furios and the ice cold wind and snow found its ways everywhere. Why did I let my self get talked into this? After too long a wait, the bus finally arrives. My heart was in my ... as soo many times before, wondering if the bus would come or not, and would it stop?

I stepped off on the middle of the freeway. It was a bit of a walk to the doctors office behind the shopping mall. Still freezing like the North pole. Some Americans had the notion of bears running around the streets here, like Grizzlys in Alaska. Sometimes I wondered too? We had a few shy bears. But no polar ones.  Yet.  The damn weather would surely bring them. Greta said we had a climate crisis. Damn sure we have, heading for another "minor" ice- age. That piece of information didn't seem to have reached her ears?

The waiting room was packed with people. Caughing. Their lungs out. Again I wondered WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING HERE? How long could I hold my breath? I try and breathe as little and shallow as I possibly can, with my scarf over my nose. Finally its my turn. I get a cup to urinate in and leave it in the depositbox in the toilet. After a while I get the result. A little blood, protein and bacteria, but not enough to need drugs. I KNEW IT! I didn't how if that was bad or good news? Pointless to put my self in this kind of stress. On my way out I call Olof. " I m finished at the doctors and on my way. I think it's smarter to take a cab. " You do that! I Can pay! " Al right, see you soon.

When I get out from the building I have no clue where the cabs are. I run around for a while but decide to head for the freeway. I see the bus  station and walk to it. I call a cab while walking and order it to the bus-station. Before I finish the call I see the bus coming. What do I do now? Take it? or stay out in the cold waiting for the cab? " sorry, no need for a cab. The bus arrived" I finished and hung up. As I hurry to the station I see that it is filled with people. The bus has even more. Crap! I should have gone with my first notion to take the cab! it's like a Japanese subway, Wa almost STAND on each other.  The person next to me is of course coughing. I cant move. I am like a sardin in a tin- jar. Soon I get out of breath because I am about to have a panic attack. I cant get more sick ! The traumas of last summer is fresh in my brain and every cell of my body. Like a worm on a hook I try to escape my memories in my mind. I wtach my feet and focus on my breathing while chanting in my head " You can do this!  Just breath honey, one breath at a time. BREATH.. SLOWLY.. UP YOUR NOSE-  OUT YOUR MOUTH "