The free will ( eng)

Desperately seeking Mr. Right

" Paint is cheap compared to therapy, with plenty of time to ponder about what is important in life."

Autumn went by and the work on my house proceeded. After the asphalt thing on the roof was done it was time to insulate and put new wooden boards on the outer walls. It was a lot to think about. To paint the facade was lovely, to do all that easy work without thinking at all, although it had been a lot easier doing it with my right hand. The facade itself was a disaster. Somehow I had managed to measure wrong when I put a beam across the house to support the sleeping loft. 4 inches too long. From the side you could see it was not a straight line, like Feng Shui. How in the world could I be so clumsy? Measurements and reading maps and manuals... were clearly areas of improvement, among a million other things... I cursed my self and thought once again if it wouldn't be best just to set the whole house on fire? Along with the sailing boat in wood next to it? Of course that would be giving up, and just throwing away all the time, money and energy I had put in to it down the drain... and also against all my principles even though my common sense said it was the right thing to do. I thuoght about what I had accomplished and wrote on Facebook;

1 piece of boat picked up from the bottom of the ocean, check v

1 piece of gable of the house with new facade, check v

1 piece of lot, 4000 square meters with more grass and less wood almost ready, check v

70 metres of trenches dug with water and sanitation pipes, connected and paid for, check v

2 ½ pieces of long sides of the house with insulation, inner roof and inner walls remains...

2 pieces of engines for the boats that needs love remains...

1 piece of car that needs fixing remains...

2 pieces of computers without virus and duck tape, remains...

I piece of cell phone without... above.. remains..

1 piece of charming, rich man, with no screws loose, so I can become a "Golddigger" and don't have to fix the sh*t above on my own, and spend more time dancing, riding and skiing... remains...

It was the last comment I was hoping for. Someone to share everything with. I knew I would never cope with everything myself for much longer. Many of my girl friends liked the post, and some of the men too. Just like the post before.. "Finally found my new love... big, strong and nice... and incredibly smooth... can do the most amazing moves ... without PMS , sarcasm or jealousy... and all screws in place... a little charm, intelligence and humor and it would have been JACKPOT! Thank you dear dad for letting me borrow Mr. bosch 60 PE" If any of my friends was offended I didn't know. I hope the ones that shouldn't hadn't, but I just couldn't help myself. It felt like pure love holding that machine. Amazing what you could do with the right tools.

I kept working all autumn and I hardly saw Olof. I didn't dance that much either. I couldn't. My shop was rented so I had to get home with Calle to the house. On Saturday afternoons I ran down to the square to catch an hour of tango. If I could close the shop in time. I wanted to close earlier but If I did I would loose customers and money. I needed both. Was it worth it? I was so fed up with my lousy economy limiting my life. It was all budget and had been my whole life, I was so sick of it. Richard had spended and I had saved. The month I was gone he spent 5000euros, the limit on his card, on speakers and subwoofers and other "toys" he didn't even bather to connect.

I needed to rent out my spare room in the house again to get some money. A nice big guy who recently separated from his girlfriend seemed reliable. Every other night when I came home from work he wanted to drink wine with me and I said yes one night out of courtesy. A few nights later when I come home I can see candle lights glowing in the dark on the porch. He had lit all my hanging lights and lanterns.

- Where have you been? He asks and I see that he is sitting in the dark drinking wine.

- I have been working and dancing, I say somewhat surprised. What does he mean?

- I have waited several hours for you with dinner ready. I made a barbeque with pork fillet. I thought you would come home directly from work?

- What? Why would I do that? I ask and begin to wonder if I should get worried?

- You normally do?

- It was Friday. I usually go out dancing then. I don't have to tell you in advance about my plans. You should have asked me first.

- Well, there is a plate for you in the kitchen that you can heat if you want, he says disappointed.

- Thank you, I said and went into the house. I didn't know if I should eat it or not? He might be sad if I didn't? I heated it and went in to my room and closed the door. If I kept him company I might give him false expectations? That wasn't good. That was cruel. I went to bed and feel asleep. A few hours later I wake up when the door is opened with a big bang. He's in the middle of the room. My heart is beating like a Hummingbird and I almost stop breathing and pretend to sleep. After what seems like a lifetime he leaves the room and close the door. I'm so chock up I can't sleep for the rest o the night.

- What did you do in my room last night? I ask him the next morning when I meet him in the kitchen, extremely tired and very annoyed.

- I stumbled when I was at the toilet and the door opened.

- Stumbled into my room?

- Mmm

- That's strange? It's always stuck. I can hardly open and close it?

- Well, it opened anyway, he answered somewhat bothered of my questioning. After that things started getting out of hand. He drank lots of wine when I wasn't home and played music really loud. My other tenants called one night and threatened to call the police. I had to end his lease after that.

Finally my room in the shop is not rented all the time. A lot less stress for me and a possibility to go out and dance and not home. Olof still stays away, but one night I meet him at our own "regular place" and we resume contact again.