The free will ( eng)

8. Broken dreams

When having to choose between freedom and love her heart was broken

Rafael and I had a very hard time to find our way back to each other after my breakdown at his house. He was disappointed I couldn't take care of his children and I was disappointed for him putting me in that situation. Our problem was that his daughter no longer wanted to live every other week at his house but still called every other day and said that she missed him, whereupon he dropped everything and went home. It was good for my business but bad for our relationship. I really didn't have time to either spend with him or commuting back and forth to his house. Suddenly I hardly ever saw him and often when he came over on friday nights he left on Saturday mornings when she called. I was devastated every time he left. One lovely summer evening when I haven't seen him for weeks and we have made plans to dance outdoor salsa at a place where people have barbeque and drinks, he calls just as I am about to arrive in town.

-I can't come tonight. My daughter called and wants us to have tacos.

-WHAT?? I haven't seen you for weeks and looked forward to this evening! You can't keep doing this!! Putting me on hold every time she calls! You can see her any other time in the week!

-No.

-Alright. I've had it! You won't see me and you won't let me go out alone! Either you call her now and tells her that you already made plans and will see her another day, or we are finished! I nearly yell on the phone on the freeway very upset feeling that this really was it. I couldn't take it any more.

-I can't Anna. I have to stay home.

-I understand your daughter is very important for you but you have to agree with her and her mother to see her every other week as before, otherwise we don't have a chance? I say more calmly, breathing deeply, but I already know the answer.

The evening was ruined of course. Usually dancing salsa worked wonders for my tormented soul because it was almost impossible to dance while thinking of all your problems and misery and not get caught by the joy in the music or all the people around you. This night was an exception. Rafael was just like dancing, a part of me. I didn't feel complete without him.

I sighed and closed my computer and went to bed. I slept decent and had a quick breakfast before heading out to explore Sofia. There really wasn't all that much to see and at night I continued my writing.

A few days after we broke up he has been in my shop leaving everything I had ever given to him. My employee Lovisa gave me the bag. On top of Robins expensive Adidas jacket was my gold necklace with the cross of Zirconia "diamonds". I used to wear it always and hoped it would protect me against evil. When he asked if I believed in God, I answered I used to and I believe in miracles and wonders and a higher power and all that but I'm not sure about God and the bible, with all the misery in the world. He said I was a hypocrite wearing it and that there was a secret code in the bible that he tried to find. When he asked if he could have it, I gave it to him and he wore it backwards. When I look at it , I see that he has destroyed it. All of the stones were gone. I was sad for everything and I knew this was it. My heart and mind couldn't really face that fact and I wondered how I should survive? Go home and drown my sorrows or go out dancing? I thought I would give it a go with dancing. If it didn't work I could always go home. I went to a bar /restaurant that had salsa on tuesdays and attended the salsa New York style/Mambo - class. Afterwards I meet a real natural. His name was Hans and he danced as well as he was charming and funny. He couldn't stop talking while we were dancing and it didn't take long before he had me laughing. It wasn't new to me that I could totally lose it when everything was pitch black. My brain simply got a meltdown.

-I don't know how you do it? I asked giggling trying to focus on my steps.

-What?

-Just a few hours ago I was on my way to a total breakdown and now you have me laughing like crazy?

-Well, sometimes it turns on a dime. Are you coming to this year's sail salsa?

-No, what's that?

-You have to! We are a bunch of people going every year to an island in the archipelago east of Stockholm where the scouts have a camp with houses and sailboats and even their own beach. During the days we sail and swim and at night we dance until the sun rises. Bathing suits not required.

-Sounds really fun!

-It is. We do everything together, cock dinner, eat and there are lots of games and playing. Like a summer camp for grown ups but people behave like kids.

-Sounds lovely! I 've been a grown up since I was sixteen. I need a break. How do I join?

-I can check if there are any spots left and apply for you. You can stay in my sailing boat so you don't have to stay in a tent.

-That's nice of you. I actually have a motor boat with double sleeping cabins but the engine recently went on strike.

-What happened?

-I don't know. I wanted to rent it out so I could pay my bills and the ones who rented it said it stopped working.

-Too bad, but you are more than welcome on my boat if you can't fix it.

-Thank you for a lovely evening and for giving me hope again!

-Glad I could be of help! He answered and gave me a hug after we exchanged business cards. Then I didn't hear from him for more than a week but then he called.

-Hi Anna, how are you?

-Fine thanks, lots of work. How are you?

- Fine. Just wanted to see if you wanted to see me for dinner before salsa on thursday?

- I would love to.  How about the Chinese restaurant around the corner around six?

We met on thursday and had a really nice time. We talked and laughed during dinner and continued while dancing salsa half the night at Chicago. That was before I knew the rules of dancing salsa, more than two and you are a couple or doing shows together.