The free will ( eng)

6. The downside of love

The special bird no longer wants her to fly with others

She gets sad and says they will still be lovers

and she will always come back if the cage is open

but if it's closed her heart would be frozen

The special bird says she is to colorful to fly on her own

And when flying together its rage is shown

If other birds comes close and glance

 it yells at her at every chance

The deeper our love got the worse Rafael's jealousy got. We could no longer go out together without the evening ending in disaster. Of course I wasn't allowed to go dancing on my own either. I was even yelled at when my neighbour, a car mechanic put on winter tyres on my car and when the muslim girl who helped me cleaning my house was left of by two men. I thought it was hilarious that muslim guys was not allowed to drop off the girl to my house. The expression of all of their faces...

I remember especially our evening at Golden Hits, a popular restaurant where they have a show with singing and dancing. The tickets are expensive and I had bought us two with good seats for the show. There we are all dressed up at the table, excited to have a lovely evening and behind us are a dozen of young men sitting at another table laughing and talking loudly. This was a typical place for bachelor parties and company events and such. It's always crowded with people in a party mood. I looked nice for the evening and got some looks. I was used to that and men trying to talk to me, but not Rafel. I tried to keep a pleasant conversation between us but his happy mood and pride look is changed to anger. I see him and his eyes getting darker and darker until they are almost black with rage.

-You have to stop flirting with EVERYONE! How do you think I FEEL!!? He says furiously and stares at me.

-What do you mean? I ask , not understanding anything.

-You are flirting with those behind You! He says with an accusing look.

-WHAT?? Do you really think I bought these tickets for us and while sitting here with you I am flirting with people BEHIND ME??! I don't even SEE THEM?! And WHY should I flirt with ANYONE AT ALL in the first place ?! I Love YOU!  Why can't you see  that? Why do you always have to ruin our evenings together? I answer in shock when i understand what he is saying and why. My eyes get filled with tears and I look at him with sorrow.  Slowly I rise from the table to get away from him and so other people won't see me crying. He could just as well had stuck a knife into my heart. I make my way to the ladies room with tears rolling down my cheeks dissolving my mascara. I 'm sad and offended. I really can't understand how he can think so low of me? Why did he love me if he did?

 When I get back to our table Rafael is sad too. He understands that he has hurt me and gone too far and ruined our evening that hadn't even begun. He tries to make amends and smooth things over. When the show is over we go upstairs to the "social dance floor" and dance our "own" fusion of foxtrot and bachata. It's wondeful to be able to do that outside the house with him and I see how happy he is. I almost begin to forget our bad start until we decide to go to the disco floor. On my way down the stairs a man is blocking my way and catching me in his arms, hugging me. I hardly manage to escape from him with my heart racing before Rafael who is in front me turns around and sees this. The next minute another man grabs my ass hard and gives me a look as if I was on the meat market. I get furious and tells Rafael what he did so that they would understand that I didn't accept that kind of behavior. Rafael gets completely mad and tries to beat him down. Other guests intervene until the guard comes and asks us to leave the restaurant. Why did I say that? Sometimes I don't think of the consequences of what I say or do. My principles had never done me any good. The truth shall set you free, yeah right.

Another evening we were at a salsa club called Clandestino which I usually preferred to avoid, but there wasn't any other salsa on fridays. Rafael was mad before we even sat down. The waiter had put his hand on my shoulder while showing us to a good table and looked me in the eyes and pulled out my chair. Of course I had not avoided eye contact and nodded thankfully and tried to be friendly as a normal human being. I was already cocked there. Nobody was allowed to touch me and I could not look a man into his eyes. This was somewhat new to me, not being brought up in a culture like that and neither had he, unless his father was like that? I had had my doubts since he told me his mistress lived in their house. It didn't get any better when I ordered and he got frantic when I gave him tip on the receipt when paying our check. Rafael wondered what the f * I was doing and accused me of flirting and created a scene so people turned their heads. The waiter was an older not very attractive man. Not that that should have made any difference. I was still allowed to show respect to anyone. I was of course very upset and embarrassed and tried to explain while gathering my things to  leave, that I always gave tip and tried to be nice at restaurants. That way you got good a good table and good service. He couldn't buy that and accused me of lying. It ended up me showing every receipt I had saved and It was a lot. We ate out every week. He paid every other visit or we split. I had demanded it since I paid for all our food at home. He never offered to pay for that or the expensive surgery for his own cat Robin had taken care for when he got tired of him and wanted to put him down. Shortly after he got a new kitten for his daughter. I had been in chock.

Another night we had been at a very popular disco at a country club among the well off at the archipelago of Stockholm. People even came with cabs from the city. It started well with Rafael enjoying all the ladies and some men approaching him and giving him and us compliments for our dancing. The ladies wanted to dance with him and the men asked how they could learn? His eyes and self esteem was glittering. It seemed very important to him. He had a lot of expensive clothes and what people thought of him/us seemed to me more important than we did. I had never given a crap about that and he could never understand why. Perhaps he was colored by his rich upbringing in Argentina that over night changed with the revolution and he was forced to steel ? Apparently he became a " bad guy" according to him self. He said he knew no one who put less time in their looks than me. Even though I tried to push his self esteem and give him all the respect I could, it was never enough. This night out also ended in tears. Just as at Clandestino he couldn't accept the waiter giving me attention. Wize from that visit I tried to get the waiter to approach Rafael instead, but he didn't. Around midnight he put his hand on my shoulder letting us know that they served food at the bar by the pool. Later I wanted Rafel to ask him for the number to the local taxi. When he refused I asked myself with the result of him flirting with me giving the number and blinking with his eyes in front of Rafael. He exploded and I cried all the way home. At night I couldn't sleep, just as all the other nights we had quarreled. Somehow when we hadn't been out for a while he was seeking reasons to take out his anger on me anyway. One night after dancing I lovingly and happy laid my body over his on the sofa and he said;

-You don't really care who is lying beneath you ? Do you?

That comment really hit where it should and ended me up with two  days of PTS symptoms, not being able to do anything; sleeing, eating, working , thinking or nothing.

After all he had said and done to me I still missed him. My heart had never let him go. Was it wrong to choose freedom over love? If Sara hadn't persuaded me to leave him I don't think I would. For every story about us that I told her she had come after me. Her boyfriend had been the same, controlling every step she took and everyone she saw, accusing her for all sorts of things and giving her mean comments. When he almost beat her to death she finally left him.

-But he has never ever beaten me! I said devastated on the phone while telling about his last escapade, destroying a cruise to Finland with Robin and his girlfriend where  I wasn't allowed to walk one meter in front of him and always had to keep my eyes on the floor.

-It doesn't matter Anna. This is just the beginning. Believe me. It's gonna get worse.

-But I love him and can't live without him!? 

-What's love got to do with it? You'll learn.

I sighed and closed my computer. I didn't think I had learned yet.