Short Of a Breath

|Chapter 4|

I didn't sleep long last night, merely because of Ryan's war screaming at two in the morning.
I got dressed at 7:30 and stayed in my room unpacking the rest of my things until it was time to come out of our rooms at 8:30.
The Morning staff, Donald, came and woke Ryan up.
"Into the living room, please." He said, walking out, to the other rooms.
We got dressed and walked into the living room like everyone else. I looked at the door across from ours and frown.
Dickheads still in his room, getting what he wants.
We all sit down on the large, U shaped couch in front of Donald, who was sitting in front of us. It's way to fucking early for this.
"Hello boys, as you can see, there's a new boy here. Frank. We haven't had the time to properly introduce ourselves, so in this order-" he points at Dallon, who is at the end of the couch, and goes down. "-you will state your name, and something you like to do." He sits back and Dallon stands.
"Hi, I'm Dallon, and I like skateboarding." As he sits a scrawny tan boy stands. He looks pretty goddamn nervous. He looks at the floor and mumbles.
"My name is Tyler and I like to read" he quickly sits back down and continues to stare at his lap.
We continue down the line and so far we've gotten to Dallon, Tyler, Josh, Billie, Brendon, Ryan, Patrick, and Pete. It was my turn so I stood and looked at everyone else, pretty akwardly.
"My name's Frank, and I like to play guitar." I sit back down and Donald stands.
"Alrighty boys, now that you know each other, you may go to breakfast, file in line!" He dismissed us to stand in line near the door, but as I was walking to meet up with Ryan, Donald pulls at my shoulder.
"Mr Toro would like to see you for your session, Frank." He points me to a room down another Hall of the unit and I walk to his office. I turn to Ryan, wanting to go with him instead, in all honesty. Therapy has never been good for me, and it probably never will. I can't help the person I turned out to be. I knock on the door.
"Come in" he shouts.
"Donald told me I had a session with you.." I mumble as I walk in.
Ray was looking for something on his desk, when he stopped, he smiled up at me and asked me to sit.
"So Frank, how's this place treating you?"
"Fine" I stare at my fingers.
"Don't lie, Frank. I heard what happened." He stood up and put some papers into another desk.
"Yea, so not super, but I'm fine." I lied.
I hated it here. Sure, I was only here for a day, but with all these boys, and the situation in the Cafe, I just want to hide in my room all day long, and never come out, hoping Gerard would keep me company.
"Well 'fine' isn't the best word to describe how you feel, you know." He sits and stares at me with a smile. I keep my eyes down at my feet. I can't talk about this, or anything, right now. Or ever. The only person I talk to is Gee, end of story.
"So Frank, why are you here? Can you explain it to me?"
No. Please don't make me relive it.
" I don't know" I continue to stare at the carpet
"Well, than what are those from, Frank?" I look up to see him pointing at my wrists. Only a portion of the scars were showing, enough for him to see.
"They- I..I dont-" I fiddle with my fingers.
"It's okay, Frank. I've read the report already. I understand it's hard for you to talk about so we'll just go straight to the question. Why?"
"Why what?.." I continue to play with my fingers, refusing to meet his eyes. Staling of course, I know what he's going to ask me. I just..don't want to explain to anyone anymore.
"Why did you try to end your life, Frank?" He says a little lower.
"I- you wont- it's not easy to explain."
"Then try to break it up for me, I have to know Frank, I'm here to help."
Yea, well your not fucking helping
"I-because I was..I wasn't happy. My life was and still is complete hell." I state. I look up and meet his eyes, I can see the pity shinning from them, and I despise it. You're not sorry. You're scared.
" Who's Gerard, Frank?" He says slowly, looking at me
"He's a friend of mine, okay?" I look back down
"Frank, Gerard-"
"No, I don't wish to talk about this" Everyone needs to stop. All of this.  It hurts..to much. I stand up and walk to the door, ready to go back to my room and wrap myself in darkness, for eternity.
"Frank, your diagnosis is very serious for your mental state."
"I have no reason to be labeled as a freak, for something that isn't true."
"Just think about it. Next session is next Wednesday. Stay strong, alright?"
He smiles at me and I nod, walking out of the door.
I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself. God, I need Gerard. I want him. I want him to be by my side all the time, so I'm never alone, so I never have to think so much, that'd I'd do anything to make it stop, but I just, don't get what I feel like I need, anymore.
Donald took me to the Cafe, and as I walked in I see Party Poison and is bright annoying red hair, sitting in the seat that I was yesterday. Not talking, but eating a pile of eggs and toast.
I walk to the table, not wanting to eat, and sit next to Ryan, right next to Party, not giving a shit
"So how'd the session go? Is He your human diary yet? He's pretty good with words" Ryan babbled.
"I don't need a diary, or anyone to talk to, it's unnecessary." I chew on my nails and stare out the window, watching the leaves from the trees, set off in the wind.
"Well, someone's grumpy, huh?" Dallon said to Ryan. They laugh in account of my misery once again.
"Whatever."
"Listen, Frank, in this shit hole your going to want to speak to someone, I mean who else?-wait..oh nevermind." Ryan stopped talking, and continues to eat his food.
"What?"
He stared at me, looking pretty sad.
"Well you have schizophrenia, so, I guess your not alone, anyways." He mumbled.
I have to admit, I did feel a little affended for some reason, but I didn't say anything at first.
"Ryan, it's not like I see multiple people, I just have dreams, and-well it's complicated.-"
I don't understand why they just slapped this label onto me.
I'm not crazy.
I am not crazy
"They tell you that the person you talk about is dead. Or is non-existent." Party finished what I probably wouldn't have said
Me, Ryan, and Dallon both stare at him a little shocked, Even though I'm still was pissed at what he did, i had to think. He probably knew exactly what I was dealing with. He looked me in the eye, and smirked.
"You're not the only one with a ghost as your shadow"
At least I hoped, with every amount of my soul. He kept eating and didn't say anything after that.
"Yea." I mumble.

__________

"I like him" Gerard was laying upside down on my bed playing with my hair.
"He's strange. Not right. I don't know." I think back to what Ryan had told me.
"Well so are you, Frankie." He fluffs my hair, and sits up.
"I wonder who he talks to. Probably a girl or something."
He stands up and sits across from me on the floor. He smiles, taking my hands in his.
"Eh, you never know. Just, be careful, some are crazier than others."
"Hey Gee" I stare at him scooting closer almost an inch from his pale face.
"Yes?" He blows into my face, smiling.
I put my hands behind his neck
"Can I kiss you...again? I really.. today's been pretty cr-" before I could continue, Gerard's lips were on mine, his arms pulling me closer as the kiss deepens. We made out for god knows how long. until I had to let go, needing to breathe.
"I've been wanting to do that for a long fucking time" he giggles, his pale face, flushed.
"Gerard" i cup his face
"Frank" he stares at me, his eyes full of color. His face, just a maze of roses and all things light, making me believe that I could do it. I can live. If I just keep walking-
"Frank!" I turn to see Ryan behind me, staring at me like a ghost.
"Ryan-what-" he comes into the room.
"Frank, you've been staring at the wall for almost 10 minutes. What are you doing?"
I turn, to look, and there's no sign of Gerard in the room at all, like he said, just a wall.
"But..Gerard-" I mumble pulling at my sleeves.
"I don't mean to interrupt up..whatever that was, but Derrick wanted me to get everyone for the group activity, so.." he looks at me funny. I get up and walk to the door.
"Okay, thanks" I walk to the living room. Hearing Ryan's mumbled "you're welcome"
As I sit down waiting for the rest of the boys, I think for a moment.
What the hell is happening to me