Short Of a Breath

|Chapter 24|

"I don't understand"
That's all I could say, all I could put out into the atmosphere. What can I say to something like that?
Of course I felt a bit scared, and confused, but yet again, I'd be with him.
I'd get what I want.
Surprising to think that I'm scared of the one thing I've been begging for the most.
"Frank, i..its very hard to explain all of this but-"
I take him in slowly, as he try to word what he wants to say.
I loved to watch him get worked up about the smallest things. A key missing on his piano. An uneven piece  from one of his sketches, but this is certainly not what I expected him to worry about.
I watch the way he twirls his thumbs on his lap. The way he ruffles his hair every time he's angry.
Everything about him makes me feel.. what's the word for it..
Okay.
"Just tell me, as much as you can handle."
He laughs, looking up into my eyes
"You're so cute"
"What do you mea-"
His smile fades once again.
"You can't stop time Frank. Death isn't going to wait for you, so I have to.."
Suddenly he's on the floor, patting the ground. Again, I realize, we were surrounded in complete darkness, nothing to be seen, and nothing to touch. Except him.
I scoot close to him, laying my head on his shoulder, pushing all thoughts out of my head.
Focus on him, Frank.
"I'm going to put all of this as bluntly as possible. Try to listen." I nod, opening my eyes to stare up into his for a moment, then closing them again.
"I'm guessing you've wanted to know how you started seeing me? Well. The night you attempted to end your life, you sliced one of the main veins inside of your arm, causing a massive amount of blood loss."
I could feel him shaking through his shoulder. I grabbed his hand as he continues.
"You were left alone for almost thirty minutes, with the amount of blood you were losing, you would've been dead in a matter of an hour. When your mom found you, she wrapped your arms in one of your blankets, holding it tight as she called the police."
I squeezed my eyes as much as I could, shut. I couldn't take what he was stating to me as easy as I thought I would.
"When the paramedics got to your house, you were very close to death. Yet, the workers kept you in shape till you were at the hospital, where things started to get worse. You lost so much blood that they had to find someone to donate so they could proceed to move you into surgery."
I push my sleeves down to stare at my scars. Dark, long, purple lines, covered in shinny skin, lined the insides of my arms.
I felt sick.
Gerard, grabbed the side of my face, pulling my gaze from my arms to his beautiful eyes, slowly shaking his head.
"They couldn't get the blood in time, so they had no choice but to shut down your system, long enough for your heart to not beat as fast. After a day or two, they had no choice but to put you on life support, after asking your mom, who agreed."
I thought about my mom for a moment. I always put her through so much. With the way I acted, and just who I was, I could understand why she dreaded being in a room with me after my father left.
If only dad would've stayed.
No, Frank. Stop thinking.
"Frank, you've basically been in a coma for 2 months."
"How does that make me?-"
He looked into my eyes, holding my hand tighter.
"I can show you."
I looked at him, confused.
I didn't know what he wanted to show me, really. Yet, I nodded, letting him do what he wanted, knowing he wanted to show me, with the almost pleading look on his face.
Closing his eyes, he stands, putting his arms to his side, breathing in deeply.
When he opens his eyes, it's almost as if a glaze of white covered them, making him look almost ghost like.
No pun intended.
Suddenly, almost like a screen, a white, hospital like room, covered the darkness surrounding us both.
"What.." I turn to look at Gerard, but he isn't there. I stare all around the room, and he's still nowhere to be seen.
I begin to fully take in where I was.
With all of the equipment, and white covered blankets and racks, I knew it was a hospital room. A low, repetitive beeping sound came from behind me.
When I turn around, I find myself staring at, Well me.
In what looks like a high tech hospital bed, I see myself laying back, covered in wires and tubes, a large clear tube hanging from my mouth.
It was like a horror movie. I was terrified.
I was staring at myself.
And it was a haunting feeling.
I walk to the side of the bed, staring down at myself, taking in my appearance.
Dark circles under my eyes, hair, messy, almost oily, my eyes closed shut. I look at the wires connected to my arms, tracing them back to what they were connected to. A tall, wide, grey machine, with almost hundreds of dials and buttons, a heart monitor connected to it's side.
I stare for what felt like forever, at myself. Watching my chest rise and fall, staring at the massive amount of small tubes and bandages around my arms.
I looked extremely pained, and this time I knew I was.
I heard the door behind me open, making me jump.
"Mrs Iero, his heart rate has gotten lower and.." I stare, eyes open wide, at a man in a white lab coat, who walked into the room. 
I was even more scared, as my mother walked in behind him.
"Come see for yourself, ma'am."
Suddenly the doctor comes walking towards me and I grip the insides of my elbows, staring down at the floor, not knowing what to say.
I was thinking of speaking, until the man suddenly pasts through me, chills immediately rushing up my skin. I grab my arms harder, my emotions unexplainable, tears wanting to fall from my eyes. My mother follows, walking through me as well, causing me to cry out softly.
"His heart rate has slowly been falling, and we haven't been able to find anything to help him. His blood is rare, and it's almost impossible to find someone with the same type, and to offer out the large amount we need."
"What are you saying?"
I lift my head up to look at my mother, who suddenly starts to shake, holding herself.
"I know it's hard to hear Mrs. Iero, but Frank can't live without it, I'm afraid you only have one choice."
I walk slowly to her, and stop abruptly as I begin to hear her cries. Yet, she doesn't speak.
"It's up to you to keep him like this, or to let him go. I'm sorry, we can't do anything to help. I truly am"
"So you expect me to kill my own son?.."
He sighs, rubbing her shoulder softly,  shaking his head.
"He already did that to himself, this isn't your fault"
As she cried harder, I begin to shake, replaying his words over and over again.
He already did it to himself
"My baby..." I watch her slowly make her way up to my lifeless looking body, cupping her hand to my face.
"I'm so sorry" I hear her whisper under her breath. I walk to her, not really realizing what I was doing.
"...mom..." I try to touch her, yet instead i watch my hand go completely through her shoulder.
At this point, I was a complete disaster. Hot tears pouring down my face, so much to where it was hard to breathe. I fall to my knees, holding my head to the floor.
"If it means he'll be happy, I'll let him go" I look to the ground as I hear her footsteps pass me, out of the room.
"Thank you for understanding. We'll let him off in an hour"
As their conversation begins to fade, my cries starts to come into focus.
"..G-Gerard...please..get me out..Get me the hell out of here, Gerard!" I cover my head, laying it down, close to my legs, screaming by now, rocking back and forth, begging and pleading for it all to stop, until I feel arms wrapping around my body, making me instantly wrap my entire body around him. This somehow stopping me from continuing to cry out.
"I know, Frank. I know"
The more I cried, the more he held on tighter. Even though Gerard is one of the main reasons I'm like this, I honestly don't blame it on him.
In the end...it was my fault.
"Im-im going to die, Gee, I..I-" he cups my face kissing my cheek, head, nose, and anything his lips could reach to calm me down.
"It's going to be okay, Frankie, I'm here"
"No... you're not." I whisper into his shoulder. He doesn't say anything, only wraps his arms behind my back, pulling me closer.
"A thousand words can't bring you or Mikey back, and neither can a million tears. Believe me, I've tried"
"It doesn't matter anymore"
"Of course, It'll always fucking matter Gerard, because I love you."
For the first time in forever, I was able to hear Gerard's small  giggle, again.
"I love you too, Frank"
I smile into his chest, gripping his arms tightly, letting everything out.
For a moment I thought about how life would've been if we were all still alive, together. Mikey, Gerard, Ryan, and everyone else, we could've lived an amazing life. Making new memories. New relationships.
It would've been beautiful.
It would've been great to introduce Gerard and Mikey to Ryan, he would've-
Wait..
where is Ryan?..
Fuck.
I lift my head, and pull away from Gerard suddenly, making him flinch.
"Gee, where's Ryan? Is he okay? Am I able to go back to talk to him?" I spoke so fast, I couldn't fully understand myself. The grin that was plastered on his face, washed away like chalk in a storm. He sighed, looking down at his hands.
"That's another thing I didn't get to tell you, Frank."
I blink at him, confused.
"What do you mean Gerard?" I move my hand to his face, mainly because his head was down so low that I couldn't see his face it at all. When I raised his head to mine, tears were building up in his eyes, and I could tell he was really trying to stop himself from crying.
I try to pull him into a hug, but he flinches back, moving backwards, standing up.
"What the hell Ge-"
"You remember when I told you, that those doctors at the institution weren't real? And they weren't?"
"Yes.."
"Ry-ryan isn't real.."
I drop my arms to my side, and just stare at Gerard. I don't speak. I don't think.
" God I thought this would be easier..Ryan..Ray, and..everyone else...just an illusion your brain created merely as personas of your emotions."
I stare at the floor, completely shatter in the moment
"So, Party..and Sarah...and the doctor.. and...Tyler..they aren't real?"
He turns to me, grabbing at his hair.
"While you were in a coma, your brain disifered a whole world made out of all the emotions. Like Ryan, he was fear. He was afraid. And so were you."
I thought back to everything that I ever did with Ryan. He always did seem way too nervous than normal.
"The PTSD Frank. Think about it, Party was your recklessness, he was the..how do I explain this, the 'i don't give a fuck anymore' kinda guy, remember?"
The more I listened to him speak, the more I felt as if everything was only a lie.
At this point I was wondering if I was real.
"All the people you had ever seen could've been as small as someone your brain thought you saw in the past, to the emotion you were feeling at the time"
I sigh weakly, wanting end all of this. This conversation. This nightmare.
"What about..Tyler?.."
Gerard looks up at me,  smiling  weakly.
"Our brains do very strange things, Frank. Something in your head must have recognised him, because.. Tyler's a real person. He's alive"
Those words really did give me hope, in all honesty. Knowing that something was real, kept me in a sane state.
I feel a sudden rush of coldness go up my body, from my feet, to my head. It was almost like, a sharp icy, spark, shocking my body, killing off any heat.
My grip to Gerard weakens, making me fall to my knees, wincing at the sudden pain.
"Frank." I look up at Gerard, who's eyes were a glossy white, once again. I look up to see the room I was in before. Yet to my relief, I find Gerard standing next to me, looking over at something.
I glance in his eyes direction and freeze.
I see my mother sitting next to the hospital bed my body my body was in, crying into the pillow my head was laying on, gripping onto my hand. I glance at the two doctors on the other side, who look to be taking tubes from the machine.
"Mrs. Iero, you can say your goodbyes. Take your time." the doctors turn to her as she nods and raises her head to mine. She grabs my hand and I immediately feel warmth surge through my arm, making me wince, making me pull my arm to my chest.
I feel Gerard's hand on my shoulder, and I relax, staring up into his reassuring hazel eyes.
I look back at my mother who's tears are falling onto my face, slowly tracing lines down my features.
"Take care of them, frank..I love you" she kisses my cheek, and I feel a tear, slowly fall down my face.
I sigh, staring at her as she nods at the doctors to continue.
"I love you too, mom" I whisper, trying my hardest not to let Gerard hear or see me struggling, yet he obviously catches on, and grabs me, pulling me to his chest.
As the doctor pulls a large blue tube out of the machine, I suddenly fall to the ground, falling from Gerard's grasp.
All feeling to my legs and waist, leaving me. I look up to Gerard, and can't help but start to cry.
"Gee..I'm scared" he stares down at me, and I swear I could see a tear going down the side of his face as he kneels down to the ground next to me.
"Let me sing to you, Frankie"
I look into his eyes and nod, as another tube is pulled, and I feel a sharp pain to my head.
Laying me down onto the floor, he sits over me, brushing at my hair.
The coldness in my body made it extremely hard for me to keep my eyes open, So I lost the fight to do so.
"So long to all of my friends
Everyone of them met tragic ends
With every passing day
I'd be lying if I didn't say
That I miss them all tonight
And if they only knew what I would say...."
I listen to him, trying my hardest to kill all other thoughts and sounds. As the pain grew on, so did the music of his voice.
"Never let them take the light behind your eyes
I’ll fail and lose this fight
Never fade in the dark
Just remember you will always burn as bright..."
I got to the point where I couldn't fully pay attention to anything, feeling as if all the blood In my body was gone, leaving me with bits and pieces of emptiness. I tried to speak to Gerard, to ask him what to do. Or to tell him I love him even more, yet my mouth refused to open, and my voice refused to work. Finally letting go, falling deeper and deeper into what I wasn't sure of, I hear a faint murmur close to my ear.
"I love you"
Before I could even think to answer back, to scream back, that I loved him more than anything.
The darkness greeted me with a welcoming wave.