Short Of a Breath

|Chapter 18|

The sky never grows old.
Through everything  that's happened and everything bound to become the future, the sky, the stars. They've always been the same.
Wish I could say the same for myself.
I always had issues at home, with my mom. Ever since my dad had left, she was never herself. That was okay for me. While she has other men and alcohol by her side, I had Mikey. And Gerard.
They were the first ones I went to for everything, actually.
How badly I needed Mikey right now.
It's at the point where, I can't even remember the kid's voice.
Tragic isn't it?
"Stop thinking about that"
I look at Gerard, still shirtless.
"How did?-"
"I know you, Frank. Everytime you think about depressing shit, your face turns into a black hole full of despair"
Yeah, he's got a point.
"It's not my fault, I think too much"
He laughs, throwing his black shirt and jacket around him.
"It kinda is, you know? You think of everything as black and white, look to the colors, Frankie. Sometimes, that's all you've got."
"Pfft, then what's your colors then, Gee?" I cross my arms staring up at him.
"Your such a dumb fuck, you know that?"
"That doesn't answer my quest-"
Suddenly, His lips were on mine , as he pulled me, to stand.
He let's go before I do, and I feel a spark of sadness for just a moment.
He hands me my jacket, wrapping it around my shoulders.
"Let me walk you back?"
I nodded, walking beside him.
At this point, I didn't care. Whether he was gone or not, I somehow needed him. My whole body connects to Gerard.
This is a sort of nightmare, that I can't seem to wake up from.
Yet, nightmares, are dreams too, right?
"Gerard?"
"Yes, Frank."
"Are you... really dead?..am I.. actually talking to you..?"
He stiffined suddenly, but kept his composure.
"You already know that answer, Frank"
"No im not sure of-"
"You were there, Frank, you were the last goddamn thing I saw before..."
He began to shake, so I moved closer to him, grabbing his hand, as we walked.
"Why did you.."
"Life just wasn't for me, Frank. You know that."
"What about me, Gerard? Was I not a reason..to stay?"
"Frank..I can't.."
"Fine."
I wanted to let go of his hand and walk to the room by myself. I wanted him to feel how I felt when he rejected the things I said, for him to feel the pain I'm sure he has no idea he's inflicting on me. I deserve to get some sort of explanation..right?
I held onto his hand tighter, trying to comfort him as we walked up the stairs to the motel, realizing he'd probably disappear again soon.
We walked into the room, quietly, trying not to wake anyone up.
"Hello, Gerard." We find Party sitting against the wall with a blanket wrapped around his body.
"Party" Gerard nodded towards him and continued to walk to the bed with me.
I told Ryan that he could sleep in the bed if he wanted. He refused, after wanting to be a 'polite friend' and slept on the floor.
I didn't say anything about it, it was up to him in the end. I was fine either way.
"Come here" Gerard pulls off my jacket and throws it on the ground.
"Please, do not do that in here. I'd like to not have nightmares for the rest of my life, thank you." Party mumbled quietly
Gerard looked a bit annoyed, and I could understand why. Party was an ass sometimes.
Most of the time, actually.
"If we were going to fuck each other, you would be nowhere near us, we wouldn't want your sly comments and cheesy jokes to ruin the mood, so please, go to sleep"
I blushed a little, and Party just sighed, laying back down.
Eventually me and Gerard were laying together on the bed, under a warm blanket, and I felt completely content.
I knew he was going to leave, he's never stayed, and that was always the worst part.
"Gerard..i-"
He pulled me closer to him, kissing my neck.
"Let me help you sleep.  I can tell you're extremely tired, Frank."
I didn't argue, cause he was right.
I felt like shit.
Emotionally and physically.
As usual.
"..sing for me?.."
He looked at me for a moment, then smiles at me, nodding. I lay my head into his arm and let his angelic voice take control.
For the past 6 years it's always been so... hypnotizing.
It was Gerard, of course.
He's become to good to be true.
"And through it all
How could you cry for me?
'Cause I don't feel bad about it
So shut your eyes,
Kiss me goodbye,
And sleep
Just sleep
The hardest part is letting go of your dreams"
Slowly i start to feel more and more tired, trying my hardest not to blink this all away.
"Don't..leave me.." I whispered, weakly.
He didn't say anything, only held me tighter, kissing my head.
"Three cheers for tyranny,
Unapologetic apathy,
'Cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again
And through it all
How could you cry for me?
'Cause I don't feel bad about it
So shut your eyes,
Kiss me goodbye,
And sleep...
Just sleep"
I give up. My vision starts to blur as I fall, deeper into sleep.
I can hear Gerard speaking though. For what felt like an eternity.
"And I can't..I just can't... I can't ever wake up"

______________________

I wake up to the smell of popcorn. Not something you'd expect in the morning, yes, but what's there to expect anymore?
I sit up in bed, and stare at the place Gerard once was. It hurt, knowing that I'd probably never get a chance to wake up to his beautiful pale face, and be able to mess with his dark messy hair, like we use to do being with each other before.
Dreaming becomes even more painful. 
My head was Killing me. I get up, putting a shirt on, and walk to the kitchen.
Party was sitting on the counter, wearing only boxers, munching on a bag of  popcorn.
"..put some pants on, that's gross."
He smirked at me, moving his eye brows up and down.
"Calm you and your foul mind, I don't wanna here it"
I move to open the cabnet, grabbing the bottle of pain pills I forced Ryan to get me, a couple days ago, because of the migraines I continue to wake up with. Everything's probably starting to get to me.
Oh well.
"Your lover boy left you a letter."
He points to a small white note on the desk next to the bed.
I pick it up, recognizing his handwriting, feeling a rush of memories go through me all over again. I try to ignore it all.
' You Frank.
You are my colors.
Xoxo Gee'
Under his writing was a painted sketch of me, looking at the sky.
Now, I'm not a fan of who I am, and what I look like, but holy shit, was it beautiful.
Colors were splattered everywhere, drops of colors, going down, as if it was a waterfall. Lines tracing, forming my face perfectly.
I never really admired how much of an artist he was.
I loved it so much.
I love him so much.
One of the few things, I very much, care about.
"Okay, 'frankie', admire it later, we need to talk about all of this."
Before I could argue, he handed me a picture of Mikey and Gerard.
"So it's true, huh? They were brothers? What were you?"
I grabbed the photo, pissed that he had it and walked past him, going outside, so the discussion doesn't wake up Ryan.
"I was nothing"
I wasn't enough to save you, was I?
Bullshit.