Short Of a Breath

|Chapter 8|

Gerard left after a little, when he started to calm down, and breath easily. 

I laid in bed, awake for a while, taking everything in slowly. Because of my huge catastrophe of a life, at the moment, i haven't really stopped to think about everything going on. Mikey's death in my head, led to other things floating in my train of thought. 

If Mikey was murdered...how does that picture exist..

Wait...

Gerard..how, is he?..what happened on March 22? 

"G-gerard..please...stay with me." i grab the bottom of his head from the ground, cradling him on my lap, sobbing. He's so cold..This can't be happening. Gerard?..what happened to our future..you promised.

"We were going to live together, remember?...how happy you got when i told you how we'd live. you'd have your own office for comics a-and i'd have a room next to yours, playing music, like you believed i would. Remember Gee? You always giggled at the thought of me and you having a room to sleep together in, you just never thought of it as, a romantic thing, cause, this was all just a joke...wasn't it?" i stare down at his cold, palish- blue face,  waiting for something. Anything. Him to suck in a breath, or me to stop breathing. It felt like pools were coming out of my eyes, i just couldn't stop, and i didnt care, because all the i cared about was on my lap, lifeless.

I shake him, with me shaking as it is. 

"You can't leave me you asshole! Please!...p-please Gerard...you promised...we'd find some other way, right?? right!! Why did you do this! You can't leave me in this world by myself!...god, Gerard...not you too...please wake up...i l-love you...please..." i sob onto his face, kissing his cheeks, screaming and crying all at once, until i couldn't breathe at all. Eventually the EMT's showed up, pulling him away from me, but i couldn't let him go, he can't leave me.

"N-no! Please! dont take him, Gerard! no, i need him, please! s-stop.." i feel a small, sharp pain, and i look to see one of the EMTs injecting something into my arm, and instantly, i start to feel, more and more tired, and i begin to let go of Gerard's cold body, without a word, not being able to hold on, or do anything, but fall to my knees, then my side. 

"Ge-rard.." i watch as they pick him up, both blood covered arms, falling to his sides, completely limp. I wanted to cry, but i couldn't.

All i could do was watch, as they take Gerard, place him in a body bag, and carry him out of the room.

And how i wished to be the one in that black bag, being carried to my peaceful grave, never having to breath this sick worlds air again.

Yet, i must remember that life doesn't work that way.

I remember, that upcoming Halloween, when i turned 17, that i had never felt so alone. Not soon after i went into my room, late at night, and tried to end it all, even though, as i speak, i failed. 

I can remember, seeing Gerard frequently in my dreams, after he had been taken out of his house, in  a body bag, never to be seen again, until the night of my attempted suicide, when he was crying in the corner, staring into my eyes. Soon after my attempt, he came more frequently, and it was comforting, but almost like a lifelong dream, i was happy living in.

It all just..doesn't make sense.

I start to sob into my pillow, trying my best not to wake Ryan up, who came into the room, shortly after Gerard had left. I wrap my arms around my legs, in a huddled position, letting my brain relive, the hell of a life, that I've been forced to keep living.

My mothers abuse. 

My father yelling, saying i was a mistake, then leaving, never to return.

Being an outcast, for basically all my life, then meeting the two best friends i had known..only to have them disappear forever, one after the other. 

I had nothing. Nothing that i wanted, and nothing that i needed. I didn't care anymore. Whether this was merely a dream, or me, truly being insane. I have given up. 

Cause after all of this, i begin to realize..

I caused a boy his life...because i was to afraid to love him.

I guess we both payed the price..right Gerard?

oh. That's right.