Short Of a Breath

|Chapter 17|

It was always cold, in the fall, in New Jersey.
I take a drag of the cigarette in my hand, falling back onto the ground, looking up at the night sky, spray painted with flecks of golden stars.
"One day, I'll be able to touch one of those" I stare at Mikey as he points up to the sky.
I laugh, asking myself if that was possible. Probably not.
"Maybe." I stare into his eyes and smile. Seeing Mikey happy was like a present on Christmas Eve. Thoughtful and surprising.
I sit up throwing the cigarette out before Gerard can catch me.
Mikey always knew I had that problem, so he kept his mouth quiet.
When Gerard found out, he went all health teacher on me, telling me what could happen if I continued, but of course I didn't listen. All I did was stare at his nose, getting all scrunched up when he got angry. How his baby teeth shined as he talked.
Every detail of him will be forever sketch into my notepad of memories.
"Gee?" I get up to look for him.
We would always go onto the side of the house, where the mountain slanted, enough for us to see the entire city.
It was magical.
I left Mikey to his day dream as I went to go find his brother.
"Gee where-"
Suddenly, my body jolted into something else. Something warm.
I fall to the ground and look up to see Gerard looking down at me, crying.
"I'm- sorry.. Frankie- I - I didn't mean.." I stand up and pull him into a hug instantly.
We were always there for each other.
Even if Gerard was always the one to break first.
I'll always be here.
With my arms open.
And my heart broken.
What can I say? Love hurts.
"Gee, what's wrong?.."
"I-i Helena...she.. she's.." he sobbed into my jacket, pulling and holding onto my back.
I knew what he was going to say, so I grabbed the back of him, holding him closer, trying my hardest not to cry too.
"Gee...fuck- im..I'm so sorry.."
I didn't know what else to say.
No one expects death.
"She...she died..in her sleep.- Frank..i-i didn't get to say goodbye" I couldn't hold it any longer. Tears slowly fell down my cheeks, I pull him down to the grassy floor, holding him as tight as I could. At this point we were comforting each other. Helena was always there for me, for Gerard, and Mikey. She was there for everyone. I've always seen Gerard in her. So bright and unique, and so goddamn talented.
"She's with us Gerard, I promise, just listen." I held my fingers to his pink, tear-stained lips, quieting his cries, making him stare at me.
The distant sounds of birds and the city, quieted us both. We both lay on the ground together, hands intertwined, and our faces moist.
"Remember what she use to sing to us?"
He laughed, tears still falling out of his eyes.
"Which song? She's made so many."
"The one she use to sing to us at night" I smile, wiping fresh tears, away from his eyes.
"..These are the eyes and the lies of the taken
These are their hearts but their hearts don't beat like ours
They burn 'cause they are all afraid
For every one of us, there's an army of them
But you'll never fight alone
'Cause I wanted you to know"
I sang to him slowly, as he looked into my eyes, tears slowly falling down my face as he and I both sang together.
Almost as if...we were singing to her
"Cause the world is ugly, but your beautiful to me" Gerard whispered, a smile creeping slowly onto his lips. I leaned in slowly, letting my temptations get the best of me.
Our lips touched for the first time, and it was like magic.
Nothing else in the world could have mattered at that moment.
Life was worth living.
Knowing I had this. Knowing I had him, to hold, when I fall.
When we had finally let go of each other, our breathing was raspy and our hair tangled in a mess on top of our heads. His pale face was flushed, and I was happy.
Because I knew then, whether he wanted to admit it or not, he was happy. Content. And he liked me too.
How unusual.
We walked back to Mikey, bodies touching, hand and hand.
Mikey was sitting on a rock, looking down at the city. When we made it out of the woods, he looked up at us, glancing at us both, for what felt like a very uncomfortable hour.
He smirked grabbing his coat.
"I knew it" he chuckled, walking back up to the house.
"Fuck"
Both me and Gerard say in unison.
We laugh all the way up to the house, hand in hand, ready for Mikey's 'adult' talk, but it didn't matter to us.
At that moment, nothing did.

I jolt awake, staring at the clock on the desk next to the bed.
3:15am
I quietly get out of bed, trying my hardest not to wake, Ryan or Party.
After the gigantic fight they had, they both decided to call it quits when they watched me silently walk into the bathroom, and not come out for about 2 hours.
In the end, I needed a shower anyways.
I pick up my jacket that was laying next to party, who was sleeping on the small couch in the living room, an walk outside.
I walk my way down to the lake down the hill, almost four blocks from the motel, where trees were scattered everywhere, no one else awake, making movement.
Sitting down on a large rock, I grab a cigarette, which I gladly pit pocketed from Party not asking why he had them.
I didn't care, in all honesty.
He was the one putting death to his lips, and so was I.
I take a long drag of the cancer stick, staring out at the dark blue, almost black looking water, it barely moving.
Night was such a beautiful and dark thing to me.
Huh. Sounds familiar.
"I thought I told you not to smoke, it'll kill you, you idiot"
I didn't look behind me, even though my skin started to crawl with goosebumps.
"Like you'd care, Gerard" I feel something push me at my back, as he comes towards me, making eye contact
"Me and you both know, that I do, Frank" he grabbed the cigarette from my fingers, throwing it into the water.
"What the fuck, Gerard! First you leave me, then you tell Party that I'm gonna die, them you throw my one stress reliever into a lake! What did I do to you?!" I stand up pushing him away, not wanting to do anything anymore.
"Frank, listen i-" I look into his eyes putting my hands up.
"No gee, I don't want to hear it! All of this is, is your fault! Because you had to give up so fucking easily! For what? Nothing! You didn't stop the pain, Gerard! Don't you see? You just...passed it on." He didn't say anything, no expression on his face.
"You're right. I failed you, Frank"
I start to cry, putting my hands to my face, I turn to hide it from him. As I step back I suddenly slip, falling closer to the water below.
Before I could fall in, I feel hands grab the back of my shirt, yanking me upwards.
I fall into Gerard's arms.
"Just because I'm dead, doesn't mean I can't be here for you, you stubborn fuck."
Before I could say anything his lips were on mine, pulling me closer. I stand there not wanting to give in, as he wraps his hands behind my neck.
Even though all of this has happened, I've wanted him so much.
I give in soon after, wrapping my arms around his neck.
I was in his arms in an instant, as he walks into the woods, my legs wrapped around his waist, into the darkness.
"I know you want to talk Frank, but please, just...let me do this."
I didn't say anything, my face blotting with dark red. I nodded.
Laying me down on the ground, he takes off his jacket, laying it across the ground, then rolling me onto it, feeling completely useless and a bit embarrassed, as he does it. Wrapping his arms around me once again, our lips magnetically connecting, deepening the kiss.
He slowy starts to take off his shirt, showing me his pale white skin, glowing in the moon light. I look down at his arms, noticing long deep looking scars, going straight down his wrist. I gasp and move back, feeling what I had felt the day I had found him.
"Hey..hey, Frankie, look at me." I stare into his dark hazel eyes. He lays his hand on my cheek, smiling. Grabbing my hand he puts it to his head.
"I'm right here, Frank, I'm not going anywhere, I promise." I nodded, coming closer to him, letting him take off my hoodie, then my pj bottoms.
He laughed as he did, me soon  realizing how stupid I must've looked wearing Mikey mouse PJ bottoms.
"You're beautiful, Frank. I just..like these better, off." At that moment I felt a thousand times more flushed then I was before.
You aren't the only one who can make someone blush, Gerard
"You're so stunning​ you know?" I graze my hand over his face.
He smirks pushing me on the ground, as he sits over top of me.
"Just shut the fuck up and let me fuck you already." Hearing that as it is almost my my insides explode, amused on how taking a late night walk can turn into something totally different.
Yet, I wasn't complaining.
I didn't say anything, as he pulled his pants off, leaving him in his boxers leaning on top of me.
"You like when im naked, don't you Frankie?"
I nodded, not knowing what else to say.
What? It was Gerard.
As I took my pants off, letting him need and kiss my neck and chest.
"Gerard.." I moan in his ear
"Frank"
At that moment, as we touched each other, being one.
Just me and him.
I believed that life..was going to be okay. That something, anything. Was going to be alright.
I could feel it. Through him and me.
I guess that's not how this story goes though, huh Gerard?