How to Love You

3

September 24

It's currently three in the morning, as I lay awake in the uncomfortable chair outside of your hospital room.  The metal arm rest was leaving my elbows achy, while my back was forced to remain in perfectly pin-straight posture, due to the horrible structure of the chair. Part of me wonders why I even bother staying here in complete misery when you don't even have a clue who I am, but even now, I could never leave your side, whether or not you still loved me the same way. Unfortunately, I guess this is the prime time for my mind to fill with the awful questions I've been trying to avoid asking myself.

Would you ever remember me, or at least a fraction of the memories we shared?

Would it be possible to make you fall in love with me all over again and just recreate our old relationship?

And what happens if I couldn't? What if our love is just gone forever, vanished into the abyss of harsh reality?

I occasionally stare into the window of your room to watch you soundlessly sleep, as creepy and stalkerish as it sounds. This is the first time in three years that I didn't get to to wake up holding you in my arms tightly and feel the natural warmth of your body against mine. The first time I didn't get to smell your fresh morning scent of lavender that in ways oddly calmed me down more than anything else. And the whole situation just sucks. Just being able to observe you from the outside, as if you were an untouchable piece of art, makes me feel as close to you as I can get at the moment.

I placed my hand on the hospital window of your room in a strange attempt to connect with you again. Suddenly, as if you knew I was standing there, watching you, your eyes blinked open and turned towards me. Immediately, I ducked down, out of your view, so I wouldn't have to face you again, not now at least. Every time I think about entering your room, the image of your terrified face and the tears staining your cheeks scars me. You not only don't remember our relationship, but you were scared of me.