Boys This Young

30|Detour

//

"WE NEED FOOD, BOYS!" Amelia said, shooing Dan and Phil out of the house. "We're gonna have a nice dinner ALL of us. And a lot of dessert."

"But like, what do Phil and I need to get exactly?" Dan asked, and Dan's mum froze in the door as if thinking.

Then she shrugged. "All of it." And then she slammed the door.

Dan and Phil gave each other and look and Phil was smiling. "Well then. Let's go buy the whole store."

Dan laughed, "I cannot believe her."

"It's Amelia." Phil said, opening the car and sliding into the drivers seat, "And how much did she give us for the food?"

"About a hundred."

"That's a lot for one homemade dinner."

"I think she wants enough stuff for this dinner, a little before dinner snack, and stuff for many desserts. Oh, and also something for when she randomly wakes up at three am with a craving for chocolate."

Phil nodded. "Weird...but same."

Before Phil could take the road that would lead them to the grocery store, Dan stopped him.

"Hey, could we stop at your apartment before we go? There's something I need to get there. I would do it after, but leaving groceries in the car is like...a mistake."

"Uh, sure. But all you'll do is run in right?"

"It'll take a while longer."

//

"So what was it that you needed?" Phil asked as they entered the apartment, and Dan smirked and turned around, wrapping his long arms around his neck and biting his lip.

"I...I was hoping I could have you."

Phil didn't know why, but that shocked him, his eyes widened and he became very aware of how pretty Dan looked today. He only thought they were gonna get groceries and hang with their families, so he was definitely not prepared for this. "Uh...I don't know, Dan."

"Please?" Dan begged, giving his best puppy eyes. "It can be quick, I just...I don't think I get to spend enough time doing what I want with you when our parents are constantly around us taking us out and things. I want to feel you again."

Phil shook his head very quickly. "Oh...I know but Dan, they're expecting us back and-"

"Why don't you want me?" Dan asked, and Phil quickly grabbed his hands shaking his head again.

"No, no, no, no, no. I do want you, very much. But um...it's just not a good idea...right now."

"Why not?"

Phil got really quiet and looked down at the floor. "I don't want you to give me any power over you."

Dan tilted his head. "What?"

Phil sheepishly played with his hands. "When you call me...daddy...you give me power over you. When you trust me to take care of you, you're giving me power and I know...I know you don't want me treating you like a kid, but when you do that I can't help it because you're just so submissive. And I promised you I'd make you happy, and I'd get better with treating you like an adult, but I can't when you do that, Dan. I'm not good at separating you into two people. You can't call me daddy and not expect me to feel like...you're mine all the time. And I get that you want independence from me, but if I have to change, you have to change a little to. I like it; I love the idea that I'm taking care of you, but you don't. Not all of the time."

"But I think that you're perfect." Dan said.

"No, no you don't." Phil said, and tears were filling his eyes because he'd been holding it back for so long. "You say, you think I'm perfect but you don't believe it! I'm only ever perfect when you want to be touched. But when I try, and I promise you I try to get you to open up with me, you yell at me, you say I'm treating you like a kid and you're right, but it's your fault I do, Dan! I just don't know how to be both a boyfriend and a dominant partner because you change Dan. Sometimes you want to be an adult, and sometimes you're a completely different person and you just act...like a child. And I love it, I love every part of you with all of my heart but you don't think I'm perfect unless I give you everything. I am just your controlling boyfriend when you're not feeling horny." Phil took a deep breath, feeling himself just shut down. He hated this. He felt broken. "And I just don't want to be that to you."

Phil said that last line so quiet, Dan could barely hear it, but it resonated in his ears with intense emotion. Dan didn't know what to do. He didn't know what he felt like calling Phil, considering some part of him felt so small and tiny and hated the thought of Phil, the strongest person he knew, breaking down. He wanted to cuddle him and cry for hours in his arms with him because he didn't feel big enough to handle this.

But on the other hand, he really wanted to tell him it'd be okay. He wanted to talk to him about it. He wanted to fix it, be the bigger person for once and help Phil.

But he couldn't.

There were two sides to Dan Howell and both of them were scared.

"Phil?" He whispered. "Phil, don't cry. I can't be strong if you're not."

Phil wiped his eyes. "Sorry."

"Daddy, I-"

"Don't call me that." Phil said, "Please. Just call me Phil."

Dan didn't like that. Phil obviously liked being called daddy, he said so himself, so why couldn't Dan call him it anymore? It made Dan feel comfortable, weirdly enough. So what was he supposed to do?

"Okay, Phil." Dan agreed, trying to be more like an adult would. "I'm sorry that I'm not good." Dan whispered.

"Me neither." Phil said. "But I'm trying. That's what...I think we both have to try."

And Dan quickly realized that this change would be the death of him.

-

AN: idk