Sunshine || l.h. {complete}

Forty Four

i hope you like this but beware this is a very triggering chapter for the most part but not necessarily in a bad way... if that makes sense without giving too much away.

happy reading!

"I'm sorry for scaring you," she sighs as she pulls into the parking lot in front of the homeless camp. "I want to talk to you, in the meadow. Is that okay?"

Luke nods, but his lips stay clamped shut. Belle chuckles, leaning across the console to kiss the corner of his mouth, "Don't be so uptight, tough guy."

They get out of the car and walk together, hand-in-hand to the meadow. They pass through the camp, saying hello to everyone who gives them the courtesy of a wave. Belle leans her head against Luke's bicep as they go through the woods before the clearing.

She takes both of his hands in hers and brings him down to the ground with her. It's mostly wilted grass and weeds that never die, but she forgets about the dirt under her and focuses on the conversation.

"We're getting really close to the anniversary of the accident," she begins, her cheeks bright red from the cold. Belle blows a breath between her lips, fog misting in front of her mouth. "And it's been obvious that I'm not doing very well on my own."

Luke takes her hands in his, rubbing his fingertips against her knuckles as he listens intently. Belle sighs, "A few weeks ago, I had a relapse. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you worrying over me for nothing," she continues, pulling her hands away from him to tug on her sleeves. "It wasn't anything major, honestly I halfway think it was a nervous tick because I didn't realize what had happened until my arms were stinging."

Luke watches as she pulls her sleeves upward to reveal scabs that are mostly healed, only a few still clinging on to the fresh skin underneath. She has pink, puckered skin surrounding the remainder, and it shatters his heart to see her pain tangible against her flesh.

"It only got worse from there, the closer we got to the date he died, and I had to sit on my hands to keep myself from doing it again," she speaks slowly, her voice never thickening. Luke realizes she must have been rehearsing this. She looks him in the eyes, hazel glazed over, "I've been having a lot of scary thoughts lately, which I probably don't need to spell out for you. I didn't want to talk to you about them, because every time I've talked to anyone about them, they trivialize them or make me feel like they're not real, or some other way of telling me I shouldn't feel that way.

"Then, I realized that you aren't like everyone else," her eyes begin to shine as she looks at him. "You haven't done that to me yet. You've only ever been concerned about me, and I know that it probably hurts to hear me talk like this, and to watch me suffer. But I don't want to do it in silence. And I also don't want to hurt you because I'm bottling everything up."

Belle takes his hands back into her own, tracing over the scars from the many years of fights he's participated in, "You're my anchor, but you've also been a teacher. I don't want to be one of those girls in a story that needs a man to feel whole, or who attempts suicide thinking that it will help everyone around her."

The sudden word siezes Luke's heart. He feels his hands sweat and his mind start to whirl with thoughts of what it would be like without her in his life.

"I came across this quote: When you are dead, you don't know that you're dead. It's only difficult for the others." Belle swipes at her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket, "And I realized it would be selfish for me to just do something like that without considering everything. I have you, I have Elaine and Ashton, I have a lot to look forward to."

She swallows thickly, tears surfacing now, "I know it's going to be hard over these next couple of weeks," she chuckles, "or years," Luke smiles, encouraging her to continue, "but I know that I can do it. Like I said, I don't want to use the way I feel against you or anyone else, but I also want to grow with this. I don't want someone to find me passed out in the bathroom or slammed into a tree on the side of the road."