recycled poetry

avoidance

*tw: swear*

i don't know how to fucking feel
i've been so uncomfortable and so
unsure of how i'm supposed to react.
i'm feeling this concoction of emotions:
a touch of guilt, a drop of anger,
and a pinch of sadness, boiled together
in a pot of pure panic.

i want to scream. i want to look you
in the eyes and i want to scream.
but instead, i shake and i panic
every time i know you'll be near me.

i'm not afraid of confrontation, not usually.
if someone's mean to me,
i stand up for myself. but this...
this is different.

i've never been comfortable with
this sort of thing, so instead of
marching towards you or staring you
down, or even making conversation,
i cower away and i hide my face
and i avoid avoid avoid.

it's not your fault, i suppose. or is it?
i know it sure as hell isn't mine.
i've learned that.
i've convinced myself of that.
but it just feels so wrong and i don't want
to be afraid of you because i'm not, i'm
just scared of what i would do if i had
to be around you again.

i'm such an argumentative person but
i'm also so emotional that i'm not sure
if i would yell or cry.
maybe i would just do nothing.
maybe i can finally find some
way to detach from my emotions
voluntarily — how lovely would that be?

this is just a useless ramble, i know,
but i feel sick to my stomach and i don't like
everything that i'm feeling and i really
just don't know how to handle all of this.

i want to be unapologetic. i want so badly to
feel nothing at all, but i can't. sorry.
i say that word so often. sorry.
most of the time when i don't need to be.
i wish i could erase that word from my
mind and be cold and ruthless
and unapologetic. i don't think i can.
i'm sorry.