recycled poetry

enough

i wish that i could be heartless.

i wish that i could leave you in the dust,
because you hurt me and because you
exhaust me and you make me so sad,
but i can't, i can't, i can't.
and i've had enough.

you always find a way to pull me back in —

no.

i always find a way to let you back in.

i am so tired of feeling this anger,
this deep rage burning in my gut.

i am so tired of extinguishing the flame
and sparking conversation with you.

i need space, and i sure as hell
won't get it if i can't even bring myself
to walk away from you.

i can't help but worry about your
myriad of problems because i can't
help but care.

i can't help but care and even though
it's a strength sometimes i think of
what i've been told a thousand times —

"you're too nice," my 'friends' would
tell me in elementary school, repeating
it until it didn't sound like a compliment
anymore —

and it doesn't feel like a strength at all.
it feels like a weakness.

i am too nice and i am also too mean and
i don't know how to balance myself out
and i don't know if i should let you go
or if i should let you in again.

you've been my friend for what feels like
forever and even though you tire me out,
i'm always tired, anyways.

i just don't know if that's enough.

you can be kind and funny
but i don't know if it's enough.

you're so high maintenance and
you tire me out emotionally and you
make me guilty for things i shouldn't
be guilty for because you overreact

if i told you what you do to me
and how i feel about it you'd cry
yourself to sleep and i don't
think that i could handle it,

because i'm not heartless.
i can be as cold as ice and
as scorching as fire but i
also care far too much,

though i'm not sure if i should
be caring about you at all
(or if i'm the one overreacting)