recycled poetry

(im)perfect lies

*tw: broken trust, one (1) swear, anger daddy issues :)))*

i wish i knew how to lie like you do.
years ago i would have fallen for it.

you have this honest and sincere
look in your eyes.

i wonder how long it took you to perfect it.

how many times did you look at your face
in the mirror before you decided that it
was believable enough?

you can feed me your memorized excuses,
but i have heard them before and i have taught
myself how to know when i shouldn't listen
to you anymore.

"i would never say anything bad about her,
ever."

what about when you convinced your
entire family that she was 'crazy'
in order to paint yourself as the
victim?

"i keep trying to make it up to you."

you can try your entire life if you'd like to,
i honestly don't care.

i know the truth, whether you like it or not.

i knew more than i should have at ten
but the things i knew were inconclusive
snippets of conversations turned and twisted
in my head in order to make you innocent

when i finally knew everything
i felt better. i felt respected. no longer
were false words swimming around in
my head and poisoning my memories.

i saw you as you were.

i see you as you are.

there is no going back. there is no way
to shelter me from the truth that i was
bound to discover.

there is no way to cover your tracks
or to pave a new road of trust and
normality and respect.

i wish i knew how to lie like you,
but i'm glad that i'll never know how.
i don't want to fake smiles and sincerity.
i don't want to break trust while i
break hearts and not give a damn.

i pride myself in my honesty,
and honestly,
you're not as good of a liar
as you'd like to believe.

i see through your façade.

she's always been the better liar,
after all.

lying to herself that you two could
be okay. lying to protect me, as
i cried my eyes out and understood
too much yet didn't understand at all.

but when she told me the truth,
she was more honest than you
will ever be. she has been ever since.

and that is why i love her
more than i will ever love you.

that is why i will spend my whole life
trying to be half as good as she is,
and i will spend my whole life
trying to be nothing like you at all.

i do not want to lie like you.
you're an amateur. a coward.
hiding your face in order to
fake innocence, in order to
victimize yourself.

i will not look at my reflection
until i am able to fake emotion.

i will look at you with all of the
anger i possess, and i will tilt
my head up high and i will not
let your lies fill my head.

i am better than you
and i will continue to be.