To Feel What I Feel

Doesn't make sense

I feel numb. I can't understand anything that happened to me. I thought that my parents cared about me, but it's obvious that they don't. They said they loved or cared about me, and that I was just being crazy. But there was so much anger directed towards me when they lectured me. I couldn't believe how angry they were over one thing. I don't think they ever saw who I was, not really. I think that they tolerated me.

 I moved out, I escaped, but I'm still empty inside. I'm empty because I still need a family. I still need my parents. I still want my parents. I can't explain or begin to feel how they feel. I can't see what they see. I'm at a disadvantage, and I feel disowned. They keep asking me how I feel, but I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm so confused that I can't even give them a straight answer. I wanted to be enough for them. I wanted to be the daughter they gave birth to, the daughter they needed, but I couldn't. And I don't understand why. I don't know why I'm so wrong in their eyes. 

Everything they bought me, now, seems like such a waste because what good did it do? It didn't change their anger. It didn't change my clarity or point of view. It just became things that could come in-between us, something for us to talk about. 

My mother, over Facebook, keeps asking me how I feel. Why exactly I left? Why wasn't I satisfied being there with her? Why I hate her so much? But what could I say? What can I continue to say that will make enough sense to explain how I feel without damaging her? Because I can't turn around and bully them otherwise I become as low as them. I become just as bad and twisted as they are.

I can't say anything to her, not anymore. I don't want to become as low, and I'm tired. I'm tired of the circles we drew ourselves in. I'm tired of crying my eyes out. I'm tired of thinking that either they're understand me or that I can be the daughter they always wanted. They're such bad role-models that I don't even want to be who they want me to be because that wouldn't be who I am.  And I can't change for someone I don't even believe in. And I don't believe in them. I can't. I'm so confused and broken that the best I can do is block them. All I can do is block them, and try not to unblock them. I have to stop thinking that I need them because I don't. 

I don't need people who hurt me. I don't need people who don't want to understand me. Who just want to beat me down and tear at my self-worth until there's nothing left. I don't need people, who were supposed to be my parents, that don't even want me. Who don't think that my life is important. The last thing my dad said to me before I left was that the reason I cut is that I'm weak.

I'm not weak because I cut. I'm stronger because at least I don't do it anymore. I'm braver because I was able to move out. I'm better because I don't feel it's important to hold onto my parents. I'm cooler because I can be my own person. I'm me because I chose to be, not my parents!