To Feel What I Feel

Nights

Every night is my battlefield where i leave broken thoughts scattered everywhere. They don't go away the next day and they're there to trip me the next night. They're repeats on a loop that i can't help but listen to..sometimes. 

Everytime i talk to someone i feel like they aren't getting the whole story because they weren't there when i was. I'm only telling my side of it, but they won't see my dad's side. Or my lil bro's side or my mom's side. They won't see their tears because of my actions. They won't know their bad habits. 

During the day i'm able to distract myself and surround myself with people that interact back. They push back and challenge me and i can't always say i told them so. But the problem with people is they feel my sadness/pain when i open up to them. My sis cries for me. My bro in law has anger issues because i talk. <.< My niece annoys me when i space out just to get a reaction that im here now. 

I wish i had never thought i mattered or ever believed anybody when they said they loved me. It always turns out to be a lie. I'm always betrayed later on. But my past self has a trait that makes us care too much. If only i cared less, i'd get hurt less.. 

Anyways. At night i feel like self harming, but tonight i don't want to cut. I don't want to have that release when the pain is just going to come back. I don't want to take care of it and bandage it this time. I don't want to do anything to repair me, but i don't want to risk hurting myself so bad that i become less useful. Because that would put more eyes on my back to check on me? That would make me important. Because we live in a world that values life. And the minority doesn't value it, but we aren't heard until we do something drasticly permanent. 

No one hears our pain until we show them. I don't want pity though just understanding.