To Feel What I Feel

Going Back?

I drop my stuff in the van and eye my dad, neutrally, as I sit in shotgun.
"This was your choice." he snaps as  I nod.
"I know." I look down at my hands, somewhat nervously. "Thanks for coming."
"Yes, I'd do anything for you." he agrees.
"Except accept me." I say, still not meeting his eyes. We had to discuss it. We can't just forget it, forget me?
"Don't start this now." he warns, barely audible. He stares at me for a second before starting the engine.
"Why? Isn't it better without mom. Wouldn't want to break her heart." I say, lifting my head. I accept myself, maybe that's what matters.
"It wouldn't break her heart, but it wouldn't fix anything either."
"You saying I need to be fixed?"

"No, but parts of you do. If you're coming back and thinking it's going to be the same, you're wrong."
"How is it not the same, already. I mean sure you're easier to talk to, but I know from experience that like tomorrow you won't be. That the anger...will be back. You'll hate me for no reason."
"I don't hate you! But maybe I have a reason." He says, pulling onto the road.

"If you hate me why are you bringing me back to mom? Aren't you worried I'll hurt her? Aren't YOU worried that I'll murder the family?" I snap, bitterness lining my voice of reason. He goes silent, and I can hear sniffling. I drove him to tears. 

"You're never going to let that go are you?"
"I might, but for now it still hurts like hell. It hurts just as bad as if you disowned me. Which by the way is what it felt like. And now I'm coming back. Right into all the memories because you two, my parents, have made it pretty clear that you STILL need me. I don't know why. I guess though that I'm doing this more for you than I am for me."
"I can always turn back."
"I don't know that you can. I don't know if you can let go of me, twice."
"I can." he says, wiping his eyes. 

"Well, don't. I'm willing to try this. And even if I'm not, I'd rather look back and say that I made it all the way home before I bailed. Not along the way. Y'know cowards give up along the way. I'm not a coward."
"I know that." he says. "But if you truly don't want to-to come back then it's a waste of gas. And we have bills to pay."

"If you were worried about the bills you would not have came out here in the first place."
"It would still be a waste if you weren't sure."
"Fine I'm not sure, turn around. If you really don't want to give me a second chance then turn around." I pause mid-sentence almost cursing. 
"But you don't sound like you really want me to."
"That's because I don't really want you to turn around. I want to try this again." I sigh, irritated.
"Are you going to continue cutting?"

"I don't know. Probably not."

"What's that mean?"
"It means that I might." I quip. 
"Why are you coming back?" he says, hitting the steering wheel.
"I'm coming back for you two, and for Andrew. And for the familiarity. I need stuff that I know how to deal with not new stuff. I just wanted to be accepted. But I know...I know that won't happen. So, I'm not surrendering, but I'm putting away the fight for now." I explain. 
"Are you going to continue watching that show?"
"I thought it didn't matter to you anymore what I did in my room?"

"It doesn't. I just want to know truthfully, if you can?"
"If I can? Wow. Of course I am."

"Well, I hope that someday you can put your bitterness away too."

"Maybe someday, but it still hurts too much to just forget."
~Maybe Someday~