To Feel What I Feel

Unravels Itself

I sit at my spot, of the table. I sleep at my spot in the couch. I eat in the kitchen when hungry, but still am unsatisfied. My craving for family can't be quenched. My sister is around, but it's parents that I need. I dream of them. I cry because of them, but still need them. I call them, at night, wanting them to understand why my actions made sense to me. I am alone in this though. I don't regret my decisions, I just hate that things fell apart. I can't help thinking that maybe I'm a mistake. That if I can't make my parents proud of me by just being myself then I wasn't meant for this world. Wasn't meant to live. Only because there was so much anger in their words that never matched the situation. Nothing I could do, nothing my brother could do. We were helpless, but we had each-other. But then I didn't have my brother. He wanted the relationship with our parents even if it was fake, and I didn't. And we separated. He stopped needing me. I had to move out. I had to leave, to get away from everything I knew. Because it was hurting me. It wasn't right. The room I had felt safe in all those years became...unsafe. The mother I felt safe with sided with my dad, against me. All of a sudden I was the crazy one for not wanting to depend on pills to be happy? I wanted the chance to think for myself. I remember this one conversation when I was young. I was talking to my dad about something serious, and this is what he said to me.

"I'm never going to leave, daddy." I said.

"You will leave, hun, when you grow up. You'll want to." he said.

"No, I love you, I'll never leave you." I said back.

"Yes you will, everyone leaves their parents." he said.

Even at 10 he wanted me gone. He wouldn't let me think that I could be different. It almost feels as if he had pushed me out...even though I know that he couldn't have. I felt as though he didn't want me because of how hard he repeated his point. Mother, too, agreed. My mind changed that night. What was the point in staying if they didn't really want me there? 

I'm supposed to depend on my dad. I'm supposed to make him proud of me. I'm supposed to have brothers who want to protect me. I'm supposed to feel safe with my mom, like I could tell her anything. Grades aren't supposed to matter more than me. I'm supposed to matter..to them. I wasn't supposed to leave..like that..as the bad guy. Maybe I'm meant to be alone though..