To Feel What I Feel

Understand

I walk to my brother, Andrew, to talk about the lecture we just got.

"Hey, you ok?" I ask, rubbing my eyes. I'm too tired for this. He touches his door then looks at me.

"I guess. We didn't even do anything, so why did dad lecture us? Can you think of anything?" 

"No, I don't know." I admit. "Maybe, he's going crazy."

"Maybe." Andrew laughs, suddenly closing his door. These talks were becoming shorter, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I close my door as well and hop into bed. I snuggle in my blankets and cover my face. Tears fall past my nose, and I have to bite my pillow. I can't let anyone hear me. I can't let Andrew hear me because he's my younger brother, and I want to be strong for him. I can't let my parents hear me because they wouldn't understand anyways. I close my eyes feeling sleepy when theres a knock on my door. I huff loudly and wipe my eyes on one of my stuffed animals. I sit up as my dad opens the door without my say-so. I'm glad I wasn't dressing.

"What?" I ask, annoyed. 

"I can see you're still mad, but I just wanted to know if you wanted lunch?" dad asks. I was extremely hungry, but I didn't want to sit with him and mom.

"No thanks, I'm not hungry." I lie.

"Alright, we'll leave some in the fridge for you." 

"Sounds good." I say, laying back down. He closes the door when he leaves. I sigh, loudly, as I close my eyes. Another knock thumbs through the room, and I sit up ready to scream.

"Come in." I say, softly. Andrew opens the door, and I try to slow my breathing. "What is it?"

"Mom wants you to sit with us." he says, tired.

"So?" I say. "I'm not hungry." 

"You sure? She'll be upset."

"I don't care." I mutter, laying back down. Andrew closes the door. I roll on my side and full-on cry when another knock sounds. I don't answer this time. It continues three more times before mom just walks in. She sits at my desk.

"Sarah, I made lunch. Why don't you come out and have some?" mom asks.

"I'm not hungry." I say, not meeting her eyes. 

"Sarah, come on, enough of this. Come out and eat." she orders as I shake my head.

"No thanks, mom." I say, louder.

"Sarah, get out there and eat with your family. Don't make me ask again!" she snaps, furious. I hop out of bed to protect my stuffed animals. I look back at them and think goodbye. I exit my room, before her, to join the others. Dad and Andrew were already on the couch, bowls full of mac & cheese. I sit at the table as mom sits at the desk in the living room. I'm at the table alone, and no one cares. Maybe they didn't need me anymore? I wish.

...

Another lecture. I walk to Andrew's room to speak with him because thats what our pact allowed; we had to speak to each other after any/all lectures if we were about to cry. We had a pact for about a month now, and it really helped me. I think it helps Andrew too considering the last time we talked he had cried in that lecture. I hate that dad drove him to tears. I mean I hate it when I'm driven to tears, but Andrew too? It wasn't fair what they did to us. I knock on his door, and he opens it, slowly.

"What?" he says, roughly.

"Are you ok?"

"Yah, why?" he asks, like this is our first time talking about it.

"We were lectured." I explain.

"I know." 

"And you're good?" 

"Yah, I'm fine." he says, shutting the door. I wave my hand in annoyance. I run to my room and slam the door behind me. What about me? He didn't care how I'm feeling. He's shutting me out. He's shutting me out, so he can deal. Now, I can't deal because I have no one to talk to. I lay in my bed and cry my eyes out then sleep the rest of the night.