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by asrjsk

by asrjsk

Being emotionally drained or emotionally unavailable where i just think n hardly feel..right is my new NORM.. Get ready im about to be offensive no i meant defensive. i wasn't wrong with moving out, k?! i don't regret it i was going down a dark road in my mind tho to be honest i still am. Just not as bad. See i got my sister now, i got a niece now. i have my bro in law now. They TRY to understand me even though sometimes they just bully/judge me instead. But the difference between my parents/brothers/churches from them is they sincerely want to know me.

Mebbe that's why i don't hate them as i did my parents. Mebbe thats why i suppress the urge to RUN AWAY again. This PEACE is tainted, fam, but it's my choice to stay or leave. But what would i be running away from exactly?;

-Niece; 3month old. She smiles when i talk to her. She coos sometimes when im talking to my sis. She sleeps on me cuz hopefully she feels safe with me..

-Sister; Who knows how old. i stopped asking her. She offered a place to live with her. She talks out my darkest parts and never ignores them when i hint at them scaring me if i mention them. She knows i self harm and doesn't justify the monster side of me with it. She KNOWS i have suicidal thoughts. She KNOWS i cut. She KNOWS im depressed, sad, self hate, measure my self worth on how useful i am. Because that's when people are the most happy with me and the bullying is less.

-Bro in law; who said that when i cried in front of him that he didn't judge me and it doesn't make me weak. Which made me cry more but good tears. Good tears exist right? Good company.

I ran away from my parents to my sis. If i ran away from my sis where would i go? Id forsake them for WHAT? Nothing so far. i have no one else to live for. My own parents/brothers think im damned for being gay and how many churches will care til they find out i'm Satan's child?

I still believe in God. And im still a christian, sorry im just not so close minded as my parents. I cant be cruel. Believe it or not but the one thing we have is FREE WILL. And if i want to be open with who i am then i WILL.