To Feel What I Feel

Anti-Living

I ain't living, i'm surviving. Just because i don't always look/act sad and depressed doesn't magically mean i'm not. Fail videos on youtube can have me ugly laughing for a moment then the smallest saddest thought can make me choked up. It's scary to be honest. Family is first important but laughter is second important. Distractions only go so far, but laughter is the real you or me. Laughter helps. Sure it's temporary too just like those hobbies or habits you developed or like, but it's real and it feels positive.. Once my camera comes in i'mma start taping 'my story' That way when i do go anyone that cares to listen to it can hear me. 

I wish my life was over but this has to be some kind of punishment. It's so easy to mock pain though which is what i usually do. Sadly, 3 outta 4 of my grandparents are dead. They're a countdown to when i'll be alone. 

My dad's parents dead-check.
My mom's father dead-check.

Now we just have her mom, then i have them and my older siblings. Anyone who said that we wouldn't have to die alone is a dreamer. I'm a middle child and i only have a lil bro younger than me. But he plans on moving out of the country, so by the time i die i bet i'll have no one. Cuz i sure as hell ain't ready for marriage/relationship so any kids i have are so far nonexistent. And any woman that's willing to marry me? Ha. i doubt it. Sure i'm stoic, brooding, intense, and real with how i feel but i'm toxic, i bet. Depression is contagious too. :) :(

I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to my dad's parents but honestly if i had the chance i wouldn't know how to speak, i bet..