To Feel What I Feel

Breathe

Lately i've been feeling trapped taking care of my niece. She's 4 months old now and she started teething. Just a few in the back of her mouth, but forget about feeding her normally. She's upgraded to aggressive squirming in my arms and cooing. But when i hold the bottle in the center of her mouth she gulps the formula hungrily. So she's just being a pain because she's in pain. 

Sometimes i feel anger towards her because if an adult was writhing against me 24/7 like she is i'd be in a fighting stance. But i remind myself that she's only a baby and it'd be wrong to take it out on her. So i have to breathe and tell myself to put the anger-tool away because i can't fight back with a child. It wouldn't be worth it and i wouldn't get the satisfaction im craving.

When i think or reason with myself my anger goes away and i gaze at her curiously. Instead of wanting her to stop i look for ways to help. I feel like im growing alongside her. I feel a sibling vibe and a mother vibe towards her. And i can understand. Not because i remember what it's like to be a baby but because i know what it's like to look at a mother for love and sometimes not get it. And i don't ever want her to look into mine eyes and see the anger that i saw in my parents. 

For me, my parents didn't put their anger away. For me, they took it out on me. And i can say, strongly that it wasn't fair. And i didn't deserve it. Just like this little one doesn't deserve it. I know it's human to feel anger towards her, but it's strength to be able to PUT IT AWAY so she doesn't witness it. And i surprise myself by what i can/have to endure these days. 

Sometimes i still want to give up then others i want to be here for her. Even when my sis comes home and i'm excited about that, i feel like i could take care of Amelia (niece) better. Because it's routine for me now, but i do see the lil special things that my sis can provide for her just by being her natural mother. There are major differences between us and that's okay because i know Amelia will love to experience both viewpoints. It's a blessing to have both a mother and an aunt who want to care..