To Feel What I Feel

Ghost of a Heart

Lately my words just don't feel enough. I feel numb where my anger against my parents was. I feel like i'm running towards accomplishments I'll never make. That my whole purpose is to help other people but my own problems are unsolvable. Anyone that tries to understand never sees what i see because they don't know what i know.

I'm still crazy to my parents just in a less controlled, and less hated perimeter. It's funny. I call them up feeling numb. They ask the million dollar question 'how are you?'. I still don't know what to say. I say good. They try to tell me the 'real' reason why i left? Then i'm in denial saying why i left for the thousandth time. Then mom/dad say i can talk to them and tell them how i really feel. Even though when i look at past Facebook messages, i did tell them. And they didn't understand. I don't have the faith that they'll ever understand. I'm tired of talking about my side of things when they don't care. 

They say that they changed when i left. That if i just went back everything would be good now because when i stood up to dad i opened his eyes. But i can hear it when they talk to me that they haven't changed. I'm not willing to give them another chance just to be hurt again. Sides if i'm so fragile in their eyes why would me coming back be a great idea? I have peace where i'm at now. Sure, it's not perfect, but people respect me here. I can feel it. I do wish i was still with my parents and that it had worked, but I'm not willing to give up my peace for what i had with them. I call them to touch the familiar part of having to hear my parents everyday but when i hang up i know i can't have that again. Because i don't want it again. I don't regret leaving though i hate that i had to leave for them to think they changed. 

I hate being their 'solution.' I'm better off away from them. I'm better off here. 

I don't know who i am, but...that's okay.