To Feel What I Feel

To Have A Heart

Anyone who says I've a heart is deceived. Believe me, it was cut out when I first thought I should matter. Before, when I NEEDED to be accepted. I'm not really like that anymore. All I know is I miss living with my parents. I want to give them a second chance because I know I'll regret it if I don't. I want to be there for my lil brother's graduation. Sure I want to be here with my sister, sure I want to help her out by getting a job. But a job here looks impossible to get and looks easier there. I want to be there for my dad, somewhat because he tore a ligament in his knee, and refuses to go to the doctor? Stupid, right or expensive.. But worth it. I think moving back even if it means sacrificing myself, again, is worth it. I think I might be able to handle it this time around. Maybe I won't share my writing with them or Supernatural or the things they CAN'T understand. But I have faith, something I lacked before. I know this is a betrayal of my past self, the self that suffered all those years.

Will I do it, no. These are just useless thoughts in a loop. I know, deep down, that I can't handle it. Because if I was ABLE to handle it I would've then. It's not like I was disabled or there was something wrong with me. My feelings aren't bad or unjustified. But will I tell my parents over and again that they've almost convinced me to come back, hell yah. Heartless, savage, hardcore, damaged. I'm broken what do they expect? I'm not excellent, I'm a fighting disappointment, and I plan to prove a point repeatedly until you're fed up of me.

I can't wait for God to someday come back and for all this shit to end. It needs to fucking stop. Everything. Feelings are stupid, dogs are cute, sleep is restless, life is death.