To Feel What I Feel

Just..Want..Me

"There was so much anger. Too much, actually."
"And now you think you deserve to die?"
"Yes."
"And why exactly is that?"
"Because. They never told me why they yelled at me or why they were mad at me. They just called me stupid and things if I did something they didn't like. So, if I'm so wrong in their eyes then I was born wrong. And if I was born this way, the wrong way, I'll just end up hurting other people. So, I'd be doing the world a favor by killing myself."
"If this is a favor to the world then why haven't you already done it?"
"I don't want to die. Not really."

"Would you say then that the reasoning behind you killing yourself are bad thoughts?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I just-just wanted it to work out with my parents. And since it didn't it has to be all my fault."
"Why does it have to be weighted all on your shoulders?"
"Because I'm the kid. And kids are supposed to make their parents proud. Kids are supposed to have a dad to make proud and a mom to feel safe beside. And since I didn't I disappointed them. I'm a mistake because I'm not-"
"Because you're not perfect? No one is perfect."
"But I was supposed to be able to make my dad proud of me. My room was supposed to remain safe for me to feel safe in."
"I'm sure your dad is proud of you."
"No. He isn't. Before I moved he told me not to come back and murder the family. Which means I became a threat because I wanted to matter. I wasn't supposed to want to matter. I was supposed to be his little robot that tried to obey his every word..and never think about myself."
"You said tried. What do you mean by that?"
"It means that I won't always be able to make him happy."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not perfect and things happen."
"So, if you know already that you aren't perfect then why do you think you're a mistake?"
"Because I disappointed him."
"Alright. Does he need to be this important to you? Does he need to affect you this closely that it disrupts your walk...though?"
"It has to be important!"
"It is important. If it wasn't important then you wouldn't feel the need to tell everyone what happened every time you introduce yourself. I'm saying do you have to hate yourself because they hated/disliked you?"
"No."
"Do you regret your decisions?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I was protecting my little brother, and he needed me. I wouldn't change anything that I did because at least he's happy now."
"If you don't regret your decisions then why let them win?"
"What?"
"If you really wouldn't change a thing that YOU did then why are you letting them control you? When you don't even still live with them? They can't control you anymore. They aren't here, are they?"
"No, we're at least a state away."
"Good. They were bullies to you. They're not even near you, and they're still beating you up. You stood up for yourself before, so why aren't you now? You got away. Why are you LETTING them get to you? Is it because this time 'round there's no one to protect?"
"I just wanted it to work out."
"For your sake, I wished it had. But there's still someone that needs protecting."
"Who?"
"You. You need to protect yourself. When you were there, you stood up for your brother. You stood beside him taking their harsh lectures, together. You and your brother were equal. When you looked at your brother, you wanted him to be happy, and he wants you to be happy. You wanted him to matter, and I know he knows you matter. If not to you then to him, to your sister. You have to protect yourself for their sakes because even if you're not there anymore it's still the four of you kids against the world. Pretend you're fighting in a battle. You got hurt, so we'll say you got pushed so hard that you broke your leg, alright. They wouldn't want you to just give up and die. I'm sure that they don't. Would they?"
"No."
"Then what are you going to do? Are you going to GIVE UP and die? Or are you going to keep your head up, knowing you were right, and stand up, or try to. To continue fighting alongside your brothers and your sister against your parents. Don't let them win."
"I won't. You're right, I'm still fighting. It's not over otherwise I wouldn't keep crying at night. Otherwise I wouldn't keep mourning. I'll keep fighting for my sister's sake. I won't let her down by giving up. Thanks."