My Escape From This Darkness

"I don't deserve to be a paladin" *

*Edited

Lance's POV

I felt the room spinning around me, my stomach churning. I raced around the ship, knocking into metal walls and hiccups eroding my lungs. It felt like water was filling every inch of my throat. My mouth slacked open through my marathon. I had enough of everyone in my brain. I ran, not knowing where I was going until I was in front of the blue hanger. The metal door opened; a swoosh echoed through the white metal room. A loud rumble vibrated through me as I ran to Blue. Her eyes glowed bright blue as if she heard my plea, she opened her mouth for me to walk in. Immediately closing with a thump, sitting back in her original position high above the ground. I sat in the paladin chair, heaving my legs up, and putting my head in between my head as a shaking sob racked through my spine.

What's the meaning of this little cub?

            Blue echoed through my brain; her voice was icy. I wrapped my arms tighter around myself. My lips trembled against each other, my nose leaking with a little watery snot dripping slightly down making me sniff harshly.

"I try so hard Blue! I tried to make everyone happy. I tried so hard. What a sob story, it's so pathetic! Now Keith knows! Everyone does! I didn't want them to know how utterly worthless I was. I didn't want him to see. Now he's...." I was sobbing so hard I couldn't complete that sentence because Keith knows now, my eyes welling. I felt my pants stained with my tears. Rubbing my face, I brought my head up, resting it against the headrest of the chair. Staring upwards at the blue and white metal.

Little cub everything will be alright, I promise. Maybe it's a good thing everyone knows about your sadness! You could talk to someone, to others more than me. My little cub, I wish I could help more but I can't do much other than talk to you.

My face soured at her words. 'Maybe it's a good thing' replayed in my head. My crush knows I'm pathetic and had nothing going for me before Garrison! Hell even at that hellish place I still had nothing for me. I was a replacement, a wannabe step-in for the almighty Keith Kogane. Even as I try to resent him, I cannot help but admire him. A hiccup escapes my lips.

"God because of me" I sobbed to myself; I looked to my left and saw my suit. It always confused me how it suddenly spawned in places. But now my curiosity of the suit was substituted with embarrassment. The shiny heroic blue, the Voltron logo shining bright in the middle of the chest plate. I put a hand on mine, the emptiness of it. As I stared, thoughts ran through my mind. Embarrassment. Pathetic. Stupid. Replacement. "I don't deserve to be a Paladin." The words burned off my tongue, creating a deep pit inside my chest.

Don't talk like that Lance! You do deserve me, please listen to me.

I ignored her as she sent a wave of irritation through me. I got up from the seat swiftly, walked over to my helmet, and took it. I stared at it, looking deep as I saw my reflection in the visor. My blue eyes stared back at me, my face detorting as I moved the helmet from side to side. I frowned, putting the helmet underneath my arm. I turned to Blue's mouth, her irritation rumbled through my veins. I felt her move her head down to the ground and open. I walked out of the Blue and didn't say anything when she tried to talk to me. Cold air smacked me in the face as the hanger door opened, making my way through the dimmed white hallway.

I didn't know time skipped so fast, the timer to keep our sleep schedules intact – obviously thanks to the Alteans. I kept my helmet between my arm and my waist, walking to my room. I was close to the five-way split to the Paladin wings when I felt someone grab my arm. I looked over my shoulder and saw Keith looking at me with worried eyes. I pulled my arm out of his grip, looking away. I couldn't look him in the eyes, turning stiffly as I began to walk away. Keith snatched my arm again and mumbled, I turned around and faced him with a confused face.

"What did you say?" I asked. Trying not to look at his eyes. I saw the way his body tensed, equally as mine. His body squared, his shoulders pulling back. I stared at the way his forehead crinkled. I hated the way I found it cute, forcing my gaze to the wall behind him.

"I said, please don't go." He said quietly. Almost too quietly, I forced my ears to pick up on it. I let out a deep breath, forcing my eyes to stay on the wall behind him.

"Keith, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to my room, I'm tired, ok?" I said, looking down. I gently pried my arm away from his grip. I felt his eyes on me, knowing he was trying to look me in the eyes. I backed away from him, looking down then walked away. I hated to lie but it was the best thing to do right now, I had to convince him I was fine just until I was ready. I down the blue Paladin hallway. Watching my feet and the soft thumps from my sneaker-clad feet.

I walked into the small corridor as the door closed behind me. I placed my helmet on my bed, then slowly walked to the desk in the small corner of the room. I sat in the white metal chair. Leaning back, I put my head up and let out a struggling breath. I slowly put my head down, looking at the white blank wall in front of me. I softly opened the drawer and got out pieces of paper. Seven pieces of paper.

Keith's POV

"What the actual fuck did I just witness?! "Pidge said sobbing. I stood still, afraid to move even in itch. I didn't know I was crying also until I felt my face getting wet. I brought my hand up slowly, wiping my face, and brought my hand in front of my face to see my fingertips glazed over. I just stood there with tears falling down my face.

"What are we doing here just standing around?! We need to find Lance!" I yelled out, startling everyone. Without any further talking, we dispersed. We ran out of the room to look for him. God! This was so stupid. I felt irritation build up in me. I bawled my fist, not knowing if I was upset with Lance or myself. I was such a dick to him. My gut churned, kicking myself for treating him so badly earlier. I searched around the castle for at least half an hour until I saw someone turn the corner coming out of the Blue Lion's hanger. I ran until I caught up to him and grabbed his arm looking at him.

I didn't believe him. Not a word he said. Something inside of me wanted to grab him and pull him close to me. Irritation started to bubble again, knowing that he didn't even want me touching him. I watched him walk away, heading towards the Blue Lion's hallway. I stood there staring at the turn until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see who it was, and I saw Pidge looking at me.

"I know how it feels Keith. Lance is like an older brother to me, and knowing he went through that and didn't tell us about it. It breaks my heart too, but he'll be okay. We'll support him." Pidge said I nodded slowly. We turned to find the others in the control room. Everyone was talking until Pidge and I walked into the room. Hunk walked over to me.

"Did you find Lance?" He asked and I nodded. He let out a long breath of relief. I crossed my arms in front of my chest, looking at my shoes.

"I saw him coming out of the Blue's hanger. I tried to talk to him, but he said he was tired. So, he went to his room" I said with a shaky voice. After I informed everyone, it was silent for a second. A few moments went by until Allura sighed.

"Listen, everybody. I know today has been an interesting day, but how about everyone going get some rest? Tomorrow we'll see what happens." Allura said, and we all nodded. I tried not to glare at her, hating how nonchalant the situation at hand was. But nodded anyway and headed towards the exit of the control room. We all separated at the Paladin wings, heading towards our respectable rooms. I walked into mine. Locking the door behind me, putting my back on the door before letting out a deep breath. I heaved off the door and sat on my bed, throwing myself down, and landed with a small bounce.

I threw myself down, laying on my bed completely. I stared up at the ceiling. Thoughts stream like a fast-paced river. Eroding my brain with images from previously. Seeing from Lance's point of view, hearing his sobs, and knowing he once felt the same pain as I. It sent a flicker of hot steaming lava down my veins. Who is Lance? I thought I knew him and fell in love with the goofy boy who was saved from the branding of life. I wanted to get closer to him. I wanted to be there for him. My cheeks burned at the thought. I rolled on my bed, put my face on my pillow, and let out a little frustrated scream. I rolled over on my back and closed my eyes tightly. __________________________

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